tales from a recovering approval addict.

Truth be told, I hesitated to write (and then to post) this. In a lot of ways, I didn't want to acknowledge that it's already December 17, 2012. That I graduated from Texas A&M a year ago today. It was a silly fear that held me back - Oh, I'm not where I thought I would be! I'm not who I thought I would be! I'm not with the guy I was then! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...

I thought to myself: Am I ashamed? Afraid to admit that that I decided not to work in politics? Do I wish I was doing more or doing something different? Am I embarrassed? Why am I so hesitant to talk about it? 

Then I realized the weird truth, the truth that is only weird because it's not the truth anyone else wants to hear - the truth that I'm okay with where my life is right now. I enjoy being a barista and training other baristas. I enjoy photographing gutsy couples in love, and I like not knowing if I'll still be doing all this next month, let alone next year. I like studying French in my spare time, and I enjoy thinking about the grad school I'm applying to for fall 2014 - a program so perfect for me, I couldn't have designed it better myself. 

Yes, my life can be stressful. Making ends meet... well, it doesn't always happen. I live paycheck to paycheck every month, hand to mouth some days. The status of my savings account can be up for debate, which is rough when I'm trying to apply for grad school, and I -- in the name of honesty -- I am not super happy every day, sometimes not every week. 

My point here, and the whole reason I'm writing this post at all, is to say that I almost didn't write this because I thought people wouldn't approve that my degree is "going to waste." As the days went by, I noticed that the thought people might not approve bothered me more than my own feelings on the subject. Then one day I realized how ridiculous that is - of course there are people that don't approve. But you know what? Fuck 'em.

There will always be people that don't approve of something you're doing. Always. Because if you're pleasing everyone, you're doing something wrong - you're not staying true to yourself. And so you (read: I) have to decide - are you going to ruin your happiness and your life to seek and gain their approval, or are you going to work toward being happy without everyone's approval? 

This has been a startling transition, one that I didn't quite know how to digest immediately. As I've moved into this stage of life, I've found myself starting to feel like I've outgrown Simply, Valorie. So starting in January, I'll be blogging at a new location, which will focus on my new lifestyle as a recovering approval addict. I'll post the new link soon to make it easy for you to update your RSS feeds. 

Cheers!

doing things that scare you, growth, and the tricky concept of bravery

The first time I heard the phrase "Fake it 'til you make it," I was 17 and giving my first speech in my high school speech class. Since my complete paralyzing fear of talking in front of my peers was obvious to anyone with eyes or ears, that was basically what my speech was about - that I was shaking and my face was a disturbingly tomato-like shade of red and I hated this and I never wanted to do this again ohmygodgoodbyeforeverhyperventilate.

When I was done, my friend (bless him) raised his hand, lied to my face, and said he couldn't tell I was nervous. "Fake it 'til you make it," my teacher said, and winked. I sat down, was baffled that I got an A on that speech, and promptly shook during every speech I gave after (and to this day).

But I tremble less now, and my face only turns pink instead of that-girl-is-going-to-explode-red. And that's only true because I've had to speak in public since then. A lot more than I'd like, and just enough to be starting to get used to it. And all those talks forced me to face the fact that public speaking isn't as bad as I built it up to be in my head. Yes, really.

I never would have described myself as brave. I still probably wouldn't now, but I learned when I was 17 that we shouldn't be so afraid of half of the things that scare us. That really we've just built them up in our heads as these unconquerable, terrifying things when they're probably not.

When I left for China, I was scared. I cried on the plane -- twice. When I first moved to DC, I think I trembled for approximately two weeks straight. Hell, I used to be completely neurotic and freaked out about talking to a guy I liked. That scene in Friends when Monica asked Chandler what's the worst that could happen if he asked a girl out and he replied, "I could die!" -- yeah, I've believed that.*

But I've done all of those things anyway, and as terrified as I was, I enjoyed them. Being forced into uncomfortable situations gave me two options: Freak out and give up, or do it anyway and get over it along the way. Fake it 'til I made it. And now that I've done them, they don't seem so scary. By extension, a whole lot of other things don't seem so scary -- things like going backpacking, continuing with grad school, moving abroad permanently.

I don't know if this makes me brave, but I know those things aren't unconquerable. Little is, really. And if this shy, quiet, still-turns-red-when-more-than-two-people-look-at-her-girl can conquer living in China, moving across the country, and asking out a cute guy, then maybe there's hope for everything else too.




*In case you've never watched that scene, here's a clip, which is hilarious:

my only regret, and the thing that anyone who has ever spoken to me in real life probably already knows.

I think it's been pretty obvious for a while now that all I can think about anymore is traveling. My biggest regret from high school/college is not taking a year off to backpack, or not studying abroad more than once. I think I spend 50% of my time thinking about traveling these days, and the other 50% hoping someone will bring up traveling so I can talk about it. I'm a woman possessed.

Normally, here is where I'd say I need to make my mind up about whether or not I'm actually going to get on a plane and go, but I've started using the word "when" to refer to going abroad, not "if," so I guess I already did. 

A lot of my time has been spent researching where I'd like to go and do and see. There are so many options I can't nail down anything close to resembling an itinerary, but I do know that I want to start in Paris. 

So, naturally, I feel like the Universe is screaming FRANCE at me right now. I don't know if it's just that I'm listening for it, and so I'm noticing it more, or if this really is a sign from the Universe, but I swear someone talks about France or the Eiffel Tower or speaks French within earshot of me every day. I wish I could say that I don't check prices for flights to Paris almost daily, but that would be a damn lie.

My only real plan these days, only real goal, is to make this happen. I can't see past it, I can't plan anything else in my life. I have vague ideas and thoughts of what I might do after I get back, but for the first time in a long time, I want something so badly that I will do almost anything to make it happen, and I can't ignore that.

When you want something so badly it physically hurts, you're a coward not to chase it.

 

Image creds: Signs from the Universe in the forms of secrets mailed into PostSecret.

the journey to choosing a life of freedom versus being chained to a life I don't want

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I think I've told you guys before about my experience with Joy Juice, right? It's 120 lovely prompts designed by Molly over at Stratejoy to help gutsy women get unstuck, boost their confidence, and chase their dreams. Joy Juice is what helped me go from a bleak and boring corporate future to starting my own gutsy wedding photography biz, and I can't thank Molly and the wonderful women who blog for Stratejoy enough for inspiring me to do that.

I'm still on my Joy Juice journey, and today I wanted to share a prompt with you guys that particularly inspired me recently. The theme of one of the months is Freedom, and this prompt comes from that month. In the email, Molly asked us to reflect on:

What am I grateful for today? What am I thankful that I have uncovered about my freedom? 

What seems like the juiciest pieces about freedom for which I'm grateful?

When I first read that I was like "Dude, I don't know. I'm broke. I barely have the 'freedom' to eat good food." But then I started really thinking about what Molly was asking me to reflect on, and came up with this, which I wrote in my journal:

Today, I'm grateful for having the freedom to choose what to do with my day - for being able to pick to go out or stay in or whatever. I'm thankful that I've uncovered that. I'm grateful that just today I've realized that freedom is a choice - that I can choose to be free to do whatever I want or choose to be chained to a life that I don't want.

That's a juicy thing to realize. It's awesome that, in a way, I've already chosen that even without knowing it. I'm already choosing and moving toward that life of freedom through my photography business and choosing art and writing over corporate and blah. It might be hard some times, but it's worth it and I'm grateful for that.

I am the captain of my ship; I fly with my own wings.

God, yes, I do regularly get that cheesy in my own journal. Total cheeseball, right here.

That was actually one of the shorter responses I had to one of Molly's prompts, but it was perspective-changing. Now when I am being annoyed by the tediousness of Google Analytics and marketing my wedding photography biz, I remind myself that this is the freedom I chose, it's the freedom I'm continuing to choose, and even though it's tedious sometimes it's still a life I love.

The inspiration. We all need it, am I right?

*For the sake of legal stuff, yes I am an affiliate with Stratejoy. That means that while Molly didn't pay me to write this post, I would get paid a little if you used any of my links to invest in Joy Juice. I'm an affiliate because I genuinely believe in the power of Joy Juice, and I think you should experience it for yourself.