general panic and what is quickly becoming my most often used word.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck fuck. Fucking fuck fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fucking fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fucky fuck fuck fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

HAVING NO MONEY SUCKS.

I'M SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOUR VIRGIN EYES.

BUT NOT REALLY.

p.s. After writing this, it was brought to my attention that Nicole once wrote a post eerily similar to this a long time ago. But with a different word (Vagina!) so you know, props to Nicole for being more creative than me.

lately...

{via.}

I've bought some new summer dresses and worn them a lot.
I've felt really disconnected from my own life.
I've been wearing my hair curly a lot.
I've asked myself a lot of questions and done a lot of introspection.
I've been reading a lot of books. The Geography of Bliss, by Eric Weiner, is my current one.
I've worked out quite a bit and have been getting back into yoga.
I've been spending a lot of time alone.
I've craved a trip to a museum.
I've been evaluating what I think people expect from me versus what I expect from myself.
I've obsessed over the idea of a trip to France. A lot.
I've reunited with old friends and made a lot of new ones.
I've been loving the website fuckyeahhpmeangirls.

I haven't been feeling sure of what I want out of my life.
I haven't gotten to see a lot of my closest friends in a while.
I haven't seen a movie in a long time.
I haven't stopped thinking about all the things I want to do with my life.
I haven't managed to sit still for more than ten minutes.
I haven't been able to stop eating fresh fruit and yogurt (but not together).
I haven't found a way to express exactly what I'm feeling.
I haven't written much. I hate that.

My parents have been super supportive of me.
My body has been a feeding ground for mosquitoes.
My friends have been really great.
My mind is really tired from the crazy amount of logic I've had to do.
My old partner in crime, the travel bug, has awoken from his long slumber and is demanding I pay attention to him.
My journal has been getting more use the past week than all the years I've owned it combined.
My life feels like it's going somewhere. I don't know where by I'm excited to be a part of it.

{partly inspired by this post by my teacups in peony.}

Confession

I want to transfer schools. There, I said it. I want to get out of College Station. I want to be at a school that I feel challenges me academically.

Really, honestly, I just want to go back to Dallas. I want to transfer to a school in the DFW area and live there surrounded by my friends and family and museums and things you do in a city and stop feeling like I’m going to break down in tears every day because I’m so miserable in this city TOWN.

Except I can’t transfer because I have too many hours.

Well, that’s one part of it. One part that, two parts pride – I don’t want to admit that I chose wrong when I chose A&M. I want my Aggie ring. I don’t want to run back to home with my tail tucked between my legs. I don’t want to feel like I failed. I want to have made the right choice the first time for once in my life.

Also, I refuse to take a step down in the hierarchy of good schools. A&M is a damn good school. UNT? UTArlington? Texas Women’s? Not nearly on the same level as A&M. TCU and SMU are about the same level, but they’re private and I can’t/won’t pay that much for school. Again, pride. If I were going to transfer, it better be to a hot shot school, like Rice, or Tulane, or some other Ivy League-ish school. Not that those are cheaper.

Really, what I at this actual moment want is to be happy here.

This unhappiness is something new that’s cropped up in the last six months. I don’t know what prompted it. All I know is that since December, maybe November, I’ve wanted to get the hell out of here. I used to love A&M – Aggie through and through, blah blah blah, whatever. Now I want to burn this town to the ground. (FIGURATIVELY, NOT REALLY.)

I want a niche here. I want to feel like I fit in, like I have a solid group of friends.

I want to depend less on others for my happiness.

I want some big crazy change.

I want to stop thinking that moving to California will solve all my problems.

I do want to move to California though.

I want to stop going to bed with a heavy heart and waking up with tears already in my eyes because the alarm went off. I want to stop counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until I’m back in Dallas.

I want, I want, I want.

img cred.