It's Closing Time

Everyone knows that song Closing Time, by Semisonic, right?

This song is what my life feels like these days. And I'm sure that everyone that graduated from high school or college from 1998-2000 said the same thing, but I identify so strongly with this song these days that every time I hear it, it moves me in a way very few songs have before.

Closing time. Open all the doors and let you out into the world. 

I'll be honest: As I get ready to graduate from college on Saturday morning, I'm nervous. I'm excited and thrilled, and really proud of myself for actually doing this because I had so many opportunities to not, but I'm also nervous about what comes next. I've always known what the next few years of my life would look like - this is the first time I don't have a plan like that. It's cool and wonderful, and also a lot of pressure. Going out into the world, the Real World, finally.

Closing time. Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.

I keep thinking about that moment when I walk across the stage and am handed my diploma. What if I trip? I probably will because, well it's me and I fall a lot. And I tripped at my high school graduation, so I might as well trip again. I know no one pays attention at graduations, but my family and a lot of friends will be there watching that moment directly in the spotlight.

Closing time. One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.

My friends and I have been doing a lot of weekly happy hours this semester. I'm going to miss that as we all graduate and move elsewhere.


Closing time. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. 


I never quite considered College Station 'home,' but I will be sad to leave it. It's true that I can't stay here - this city was good for college, but there's nothing here for me career-wise. It's too small, and I'm going to be working in big cities. Capitals.


Closing time. Time for you to go out to the places you will be from.

I've kept this a secret for a while now, but I suppose now is as good a time to announce this as ever: Soon, I'll be saying that I'm from Washington D.C. I'm spending the holidays with my family then I'll be D.C.-bound after the first of the year. I'm doing an internship up there for the semester then... well, who knows? I've loved D.C. for a long time, so I'm excited for that city to become a place that I call home someday.

So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits. I hope you have found a friend.

I've found friends in college. Some of them are moving to D.C. with me, which I'm excited about, and that makes the move a little easier. I've stayed friends with the most important people from high school. And as cheesy as this sounds, I've made a friend of myself. The most important thing I've learned in college is to be faithful to myself, true to my needs and desires, and to love myself. It was a tough lesson, but the most important one the last three and a half years could have ever taught me.

I know who I want to take me home.



But that's for another post.



Take me home. 

Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

The Aggie Ring

I've been thinking about this ring since I first went to fish camp the summer before freshman year.

Pining after it, really.

I can't count the number of times I double-, triple-, quadruple-checked my transcripts to see if I would be able to get my ring that semester or the next.

I stared at everyone else's rings all the time.

I designed and redesigned my ring online -- diamond, no diamond? Antique or classic gold? TOO MANY OPTIONS.

Well, last Friday, I *finally* got my ring. I'd be lying if I said I didn't kind of well up when I first put it on. It was about damn time.

I can't explain the obsession Aggies have with their Aggie ring. I tried a hundred times to explain to my parents exactly why it was so important they take Friday the 15th off of work to come down to College Station, but the most coherent argument I could come up with was "well.... because... it's important and uhh... hyneehhhh...AGGIE RING."

But there's something about this ring. Maybe it's the fact that it's the same for every class year -- the only customization you get it the type of gold, your class year, and whether or not you want a diamond on it. Maybe it's because you have to earn it. Maybe it's because seeing it on someone else's right ring finger is like an immediate sign that that person is an Aggie; that he or she is family. Which sounds crazy -- at a school of thousands of graduates a year, how can everyone who wears an Aggie ring be family? But they are. There's something about being an Aggie that means you're part of a family, a family beyond yourself and within which you're constantly discovering new members.

But enough of my existential rambling. Here's some photos the very sweet Mike took on my Aggie Ring Day. Also, yes, I *am* wearing a maroon fancy dress. Typical, really. :)

Again, all photos property of Mike. I'll take my own close up of the ring and add it, so you can see the detail. :)

Raise your hand if you've got your Aggie ring!

April Goals & Dreams

I've been noticing that Rachel does this every month, and I think it's a really good way of holding yourself accountable to...yourself? I find so often that suddenly a month has gone by and I've accomplished absolutely nothing during that time, which not only bothers me, but kind of scares me. So, my April Goals:

1. Get my Aggie Ring. I mean, yes, okay, I already ordered it. But I get it on April 15th and I'd like to not only get it, but make that weekend be a good weekend. It'd also be nice if I dunked it, but since I don't have a ring dunk planned yet, I'm avoiding making that an official goal.


2. Take 26 of 30 possible photos for this Project 365 this month. I almost always miss at least one day a week, but I'd like to make sure it doesn't go above that.


3. Hang up my 'Keep Calm Carry On' poster. It's been sitting on the floor against the wall for roughly two months now. THIS MUST HAPPEN. Along with this, I'd like to hang the other 8-10 framed photos I have lying around.


4. Work out at least three times a week, every week. I'd like to say five times, but I'm trying to be realistic here.

5. Attend the Every Victim, Every Time conference here in B/CS. (Registration is still open! And I still have to register, so you should too!)


6. Do at least one photo shoot with a friend. I need to start getting comfortable behind a camera with someone modeling for me. Any volunteers? It'll be free for you and you'll get some cool pictures out of it. :)


7. Keep up with laundry and cleaning so they don't became overwhelming all-day chores on Saturdays. I have a bad habit of not doing laundry for three weeks or not cleaning often enough, and then I suddenly have to spend ten hours doing it all on Saturdays, which is a waste.

8. Take some suuuuper legit photos at Chilifest on the 9th. I'll be there for Maroon Weekly, so (again) find me if you're there!

9. Keep up with a budget. I've been doing pretty well so far and it's very necessary that I actually do this, so I'm pretty proud of myself at this point. Now let's see how the rest of the month goes.


10. Complete at least two of my 101 in 1001 goals. I'm working on #32 -- give up coffee for two weeks, and I'm thinking this month sounds like a good month to either #82 send more secrets into PostSecret or #92 take pictures in a photobooth. I'd also like to keep the little mini-garden I planted alive for more than like, a day.

What are your April dreams/goals? :)

It's like daycare, but with alcohol.

{mine.}

Sometimes (read: all the time), I think college is really just a holding pen created to give people my age a little extra time to get our shit together before we're allowed out into The Real World. It's almost like a day care where our parents dropped us off before The Real World is ready to pick us up, except now alcohol is involved and also, we can drive. College is like a little extra time to tire us out, so to speak, because The Real World doesn't really know what to do with us just yet. We're not quite ready to be productive members of society, but we're starting to figure out how to actually be a Grown Up.

And so, we wait. We wait for the inspiration to come to us, for something to click, for us to figure out what we're supposed to do next.

It doesn't always work for everyone. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out who they are and where they're going.

It's working for me.

I've almost got it figured out that there are some days when I can't have fun all day but have to sit down and do some real work. I've realized that I have to get a decent amount of sleep every night or I can't function the next day.

It's taken me a long time to admit it, but I don't want a job where I will have to wear a suit to work every day. I don't want to sit inside at a desk, I don't want to attend staff meetings, I don't want to do the 9-5 bullshit, and I really don't ever want someone to tell me what to do and when to do it. I don't want to can't be part of corporate America.

I haven't quite figured out what that leaves me with.

But I know I still have a semester left here at this daycare. I know I've still got a few more late nights and missed deadlines and good laughs and cram sessions left before The Real World drops by and asks if I'm ready to go yet. And, if I'm not, I know there's always grad school, which is maybe a little less like daycare and more like kindergarten, where I'm expected to know how to tie my shoes, but maybe I still need a little help remembering my home phone number. And there will be alcohol involved there too, and people will probably still expect me to show up to things hungover more often than not, and Grown Ups will tell me about how 'they remember those wild days when they were my age,' and maybe I'll finally figure out what it is I will do instead of just knowing what I don't want.

And, to me, that doesn't sound too bad. That sounds like something I can handle because my only other option is not knowing what I want but just doing what's expected of me by other people who don't really know me at all. And that sounds like the worst kind of time out ever.

the travel bug, China, and that time when I realized that I graduate from college soon. WTF?

{mine.}

When I left for Montreal, my main thought was, "Okay, yes. Leaving the country. This will cool that intense desire to travel that's been gnawing at me for the past few months." I mean, I really didn't leave the country once all of 2010 (the first year that's happened since I was born) so I just thought I was just restless for that reason.

NOPE.

Since getting back from Montreal (and getting a $600 voucher to Delta), that desire to leave is more fiery than ever. All I can think about is where I want to go next (Boston? Seattle? San Diego? The Caribbean? Mexico?). I was hoping that finding out I'm definitely confirmed for my program for China this summer would help tame this desire (weeeee!), but NO. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TRAVEL.

So, I've been flipping through travel books and looking at other people's pictures online and looking up flight fares and planning trips with friends and and and not studying. Which is a huge problem since I had two tests last week and the LSAT yesterday. I TOOK THE LSAT YESTERDAY. How is that even possible? How am I that far in my educational career?!

Well, I'm graduating in December. That's how. I could graduate in August, but I don't want to work hard this summer. And also, I want one more Aggie Football season. But also because how can I already be graduating?!

I'm sorry, but, WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT? Wasn't I like, *just* a freshman in college? Wasn't I like, *just* going through the worst heartbreak of my life and trying out modeling and moving out of my parents' house for the first time and dating a Marine and and and...? What do you MEAN that was more than two years ago? What do you MEAN I'm a senior in college now? What do you MEAN I get my Aggie Ring on April 15? What do you MEAN I won't be in College Station next spring?

I mean like, yes, I AM HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW.

How is this real life?

Get me out of this city right now. Take me somewhere where I can marvel at something else, something constant, just so I can stop marveling at the fact that I'm almost a Real Grown Ass Woman and that I feel like my life has changed over night, morphed into something that I'm not sure I'm quite ready to handle.

Sometimes, Right Now

{via.}

Here's a little something you should know about International Studies majors: We're always planning trips and dying to go abroad and talking about how the second we graduate we're going to move to another country and work for a non-profit or the UN or be an ambassador or do something for the State Department.

I'm told it's inspiring. I'm told we're some of the most liberal and idealistic people on this campus. I'm told our dreams are impressive.

I'm also told we're really hard people to date.

In a school where dating is almost always geared toward marriage, Aggies at some point developed a mentality of 'why bother?' if we know it's not going anywhere. Which has its merits, I'm sure. It means though that people find it hard to commit to someone who is constantly on the verge of escape, that will never stay but will always leave.

And I totally get this. I don't want to get too involved knowing that I'm leaving for China for three months next summer and that December of '11, I'm embarking on some insane world trip which I don't plan on returning from until Fall '12. I don't want to risk wanting to stay when all I've ever really wanted was to leave.

If I'm being honest, I'm okay with being single. I enjoy my freedoms right now. I like being independent, I like not owing anyone anything. I like being on my own. I like that I don't feel as grounded, that I could take off whenever, that I could fly.

But if I'm being really honest, I have to admit that there are things I miss about being stable, about having a boyfriend.

I miss knowing that I definitely had something to do on Friday or Saturday night.

I miss going to scary movies and having a hand to hold.

I miss having someone who would be there to take care of me if I was sick.

I miss sharing secrets late at night under the stars.

I miss sit-down meals and date nights.

I miss being able to depend on someone.

I miss getting flowers and laughing over little inside jokes.

I miss not playing games and not dealing with the hook up culture.

Didn't Your Momma Teach You Anything?

Or, Spend My Money More Wisely, TAMU.

Dear Texas A&M,

I understand you're in the middle of a budget crisis. The Texas Legislature is telling you to cut almost 15% of your budget. That's A LOT. It sucks. I get it. I've been there; my parent's have cut me off before, too. It's a little scary, isn't it?

When my parents cut me off for a little while, I had to make decisions, cut out excess. I didn't decide not to pay rent or electric, and spend that money on coffee and clothes, did I? I bought sandwich meat instead of steak. I think we can both agree that that would have been a rather silly decision to do otherwise. Like, get your priorities in line, right?

You're a university. You are, by default, an institution theoretically filled with intelligent people. So we would expect you to deal with this budget crisis smartly; you'd do some things you're already doing. Things like: getting rid of obsolete landlines in an age when everyone has cells; not raising pay; letting TAMU basically become a billboard for Pepsi Co.. We'd think you'd do little things that add up to a lot, like turn off lights in your offices at night, use more energy efficient lightbulbs, stop keeping Harrington so damn cold all the time, etc.

So, why is it that I hear you're doing some less than brilliant things? Firing our professors, A&M? Come on, now. They're literally the lifeblood of the university. I get that their salaries are a huge chunk of our budget, but they are necessary. I would maybe understand if the incoming freshman class was small, so you didn't need as many profs teaching the same basic level subjects. If the student body was shrinking, it'd make sense. But each incoming class increases in size. And it's not like our lecture halls can hold more people per class. And honestly, it makes TAMU look bad when our teacher:student ratio changes negatively. With an increasingly larger student body and diversifying education, we need those professors.

Also, what about all this construction on campus, TAMU? I can think of five recent projects off the top of my head, ranging from kind of useful to a terrible investment, especially in the middle of a budget crisis, i.e. the glorified sidewalk running parallel to another perfectly good sidewalk in Academic Plaza. How much did that cost? About one prof's yearly salary? No one even sits on those benches, guys. It was a waste of money.

You know what else is a huge investment? Your salaries. The administration's. I don't see any of y'all getting fired. The bureaucracy at this school continues to grow, getting less and less streamlined (i.e. more and more frustrating for students and profs), wasting more and more money, and the necessary features of a school are what are being removed? What are you going to take away next, TAMU? Our desks? Just so you don't have to admit that maybe our administration has gotten too big? I understand that it's hard to stand up and say "My job is useless. I quit on the condition that you do away with my position entirely." But you probably should. Combine duties. Make it so any one person's job includes doing more than one task. You'll streamline the school and keep what we actually need -- teachers in the classrooms.

Universities exist for the education of their students, not for the glory of their administrators. Think about it.

GAH. COLLEGE.

{via.}

Remember back when school wasn't taking over my life? When I had time to do something other than study? Things like breathe, sleep, work out, and eat, let alone things like blog and go see movies?

Yeah, me neither. It's been that long.

On the plus side, I finally feel like I'm actually in college. It only took starting my junior year, but I'm finally starting to feel challenged by my classes and have actually had to wonder if I'll get an A in any given class this semester. So you know, there's that.

I left the sorority I was in the past two years. I "didn't feel like it was right for me anymore." Honestly, I just felt like if I hadn't made any lasting friends there after two years, I wasn't going to. So I've joined a couple other organizations and am applying to volunteer at a place here in town, which I really am very excited about.

At this point, the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I'm getting my very own Aggie Ring (pictured in larger-than-life proportions above) next semester. Whoop!

You know how I once said I hate this school and this town? I take that back. I'm learning to love it again. :)

How is September going for you guys?

things I wish college would teach me but probably won't, so I'm doomed to never know. EVER.

{via. or maybe via. not really sure?}

The other night, I was at KJ's house with Cyndi and the power went out. To entertain ourselves, we started discussing shit like politics and how stupid Sarah Palin is, and also how disappointed we are in the US public education system for not teaching us things clearly vital to our lives. So, without further ado (who the hell came up with that phrase, by the way?) these were our top 6 things that we really wish college would cover because, I mean, what in the actual fuck am I going to do when I graduate and still don't understand how this shit works?

1. How to do my taxes. There are too many fucking forms and rules and it's apparently different in each state which is just really inconvenient because once I have my diploma in my hand, Texas can pretty much go fuck itself, except Dallas and Houston because they're pretty awesome. Except not always because the humidity and the 111 degree days and the GAH. Anyways, apparently I'm supposed to like file taxes next April and I just don't. Even. Know.

2. Social skills, in all situations. Things like: What to say to a cop when caught in a compromising situation. How to deal with your ex best friend dating your ex fiancé. Avoiding people efficiently. How to break up with someone without it turning into a shitfest. How to keep your dignity (and your stomach contents) during an intense interrogation. What to do if ET phones you. How to insult people in ways that don't involve "your mom," or "you are!" Throwing a good dinner party and how to politely tell people to get the fuck out at the end of the night.

3. How to dress so you don't end up on peopleofwalmart.com. Also, how to do your makeup so you don't look like a prostitute or a clown. Basic hygiene would also be good. Because like, there are some people who definitely go through life without learning that and when I'm sitting next to you in class I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR STENCH.

4. Using duct tape effectively. This is knowledge that could save your life. Maybe. I'd know for sure if I actually had acquired this information. Because I'm pretty sure duct tape can be used to close a wound. Also, to make a prom dress. And fixing basically everything. Except I don't actually know how to do any of those things, so if I'm ever stuck in the woods with a knife and duct tape and I'm injured, I'm basically fucked. So also, advanced survival skills, please.

5. Flying a plane. You know, in case both pilots faint or just freak out, or there's another hijacking, or the pilot is also the only doctor and some woman is giving birth and so they need another pilot so the original one can pull the baby out. THESE THINGS HAPPEN PEOPLE. And I for one wish I knew how to fly a plane so I could STEP THE FUCK UP. Yeah, that's right, I'LL BE THE ONE SAVING YOUR LIFE. Well, I would be, if I knew how the fuck to fly a plane!

6. What to do when the zombies rise again. I mean, I know I'm supposed to like, aim for the head, but what do I do when I run out of bullets? Or gas? Should I hotwire a car? Can someone teach me this skill, because I'm pretty sure Google won't be around during the zombie invasion. What is the optimum number of people I should travel with to protect ourselves and remain inconspicuous? How fast can zombies run, because if I need to train to outrun them, that'd be good to know in advance. And also, like, is it an airborne disease? Or genetic? Max Brooks says it's passed through bites, you know body fluid-to-body fluid contact, kind of like STDs, but let's not go there because sex with a zombie? Gross. WAIT. WAIT. If I offer to have sex with the zombie will it not eat me? Can zombies get erections? I'm tempted to say no, but Stephenie Meyer decided that vamps can have sex and impregnate people despite their TOTAL LACK OF BODY FLUIDS, so fine, fuck with folk lore. WHY DON'T I HAVE THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS YET?

So, come on, College! Life 101, please. STEP IT UP.

Also: Yes, zombie Palin. All your worst fears combined.

Confession

I want to transfer schools. There, I said it. I want to get out of College Station. I want to be at a school that I feel challenges me academically.

Really, honestly, I just want to go back to Dallas. I want to transfer to a school in the DFW area and live there surrounded by my friends and family and museums and things you do in a city and stop feeling like I’m going to break down in tears every day because I’m so miserable in this city TOWN.

Except I can’t transfer because I have too many hours.

Well, that’s one part of it. One part that, two parts pride – I don’t want to admit that I chose wrong when I chose A&M. I want my Aggie ring. I don’t want to run back to home with my tail tucked between my legs. I don’t want to feel like I failed. I want to have made the right choice the first time for once in my life.

Also, I refuse to take a step down in the hierarchy of good schools. A&M is a damn good school. UNT? UTArlington? Texas Women’s? Not nearly on the same level as A&M. TCU and SMU are about the same level, but they’re private and I can’t/won’t pay that much for school. Again, pride. If I were going to transfer, it better be to a hot shot school, like Rice, or Tulane, or some other Ivy League-ish school. Not that those are cheaper.

Really, what I at this actual moment want is to be happy here.

This unhappiness is something new that’s cropped up in the last six months. I don’t know what prompted it. All I know is that since December, maybe November, I’ve wanted to get the hell out of here. I used to love A&M – Aggie through and through, blah blah blah, whatever. Now I want to burn this town to the ground. (FIGURATIVELY, NOT REALLY.)

I want a niche here. I want to feel like I fit in, like I have a solid group of friends.

I want to depend less on others for my happiness.

I want some big crazy change.

I want to stop thinking that moving to California will solve all my problems.

I do want to move to California though.

I want to stop going to bed with a heavy heart and waking up with tears already in my eyes because the alarm went off. I want to stop counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until I’m back in Dallas.

I want, I want, I want.

img cred.

Grade Disputes, Moving, and My Coffee Addiction

So, yeah, like, A&M screwed up my grades this semester. Pretty hardcore. Like, at this moment, I have an F in my oceanography class. The class that I definitely DEFINITELY got an A in. My prof didn't care enough to respond to the several two emails I sent (neither did the oceanography dept head), which was frustrating because let's talk about how an F in that class isn't helping that whole getting-my-scholarship-back thing. So I was forced to go to the school and bitch out speak with the head of the geosciences dept, who figured out the problem and is going to kind of fix it maybe, hopefully by July when my prof gets back from some research trip that apparently keeps him from having contact with the rest of the world.

I'm sorry, but no. Just no. There's NO WAY YOU ARE ANYWHERE THAT YOU CANNOT BE CONTACTED. Not in this day with the level of technology we have. NOT WHEN YOUR RESEARCH INCLUDES SATELLITE COMMUNICATIONS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Deep breath.

I moved on Saturday. It's not very exciting. But it happened. I live in a duplex now. I like it. It was a stressful move and there was definitely some tension between my old room mate and I that hasn't been/won't ever be resolved, but I've given up caring at this point. I've been avoiding talking about it here, but one day I will.

I have too much on my mind.

All that plus my sick puppy back home plus the stressful mini semester I'm taking have led to a very unhappy Valorie. And unhappy Valorie drinks lots of coffee. In the past 24 hours, I've probably had half a gallon, easy. That's insane. Combined with almost no "real" food, it's been one long stomach ache, which has really meshed real well with the stomach aches from the stress.

But to end this blog on a good note, I sent in a secret to Post Secret today. Also, I finished reading Candide, by Voltaire. Check it out if you get the chance. :)

More Social Interaction, Please

Okay, so yeah, fine, I admit it: I need social contact almost constantly. I need to be talking to someone, or at least be near someone almost all the time.

There are times when I don’t want people around of course – you know, when I’m going to the bathroom. Or in a really foul mood. Or crying hysterically. Or uh… That’s about it. And I’m even flexible on the crying thing.

Am I alone on this?

(Excuse the pun.)

It really doesn’t even need to be my friends or my family or Mr. Man 24/7. It just needs to be people. Really, honestly, we don’t even have to acknowledge each other all that much. Ordering something from a barista at Starbucks is good enough for me for a while. Hell, making eye contact is good enough.

I need a cat. Or a room mate that doesn’t hate me.

Oh God, I’m going to become that crazy cat woman that lives alone.

Plus, cats don’t like to cuddle. I like cuddling. I need cuddling. I was made to cuddle. I can only watch so much Friends or Sex and the City or dance around my room to music before I need to physically look someone in the eye or talk to them or hug them. Touch is my love language and I need someone to come home to every night that will watch TV or eat dinner or gripe about how much our lives suck as broke students with me. I realize that’s not cuddling, but I don’t cuddle with everyone. That would be weird. I mean, hello, I’m from TEXAS, we have this thing called “personal space” down here. We don’t just run around touching everyone, that’s why we all drive our own cars to work and don’t have any semblance of public transportation yet; we don’t want to have to touch people we don’t want to.

Anyways.

Maybe what I need is a puppy.

Except no, because I already have a puppy, and she’s getting really old and probably –gulp- dying, and let’s not talk about how I have cried several times since we realized she’s deaf and in a lot of pain on Sunday because I will start crying again.

It’s not even just seeing someone, or touching someone though. I just took a 30 minute break from writing this to talk on the phone to Mr. Man and already I feel less lonely. Talking to other people online, even people who I’ve never met or whose voices I’ve never even heard, is good, because it’s still a person who is talking TO me.

The funny thing is, I totally got myself into the situation that led to all this thinking and upset. I decided to stay in College Station for summer school until July 1, fully knowing that the town would be practically empty because all my friends would go home. I thought it would give me plenty of time to write and read (plus keep my job a little longer), except I have no drive to do any of that when all I want to do is cry because all I freaking want is a hug from Mr. Man.

Seriously, am I the only one that feels a physical need for hugs?

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Muster 2010

Today, April 21, is Muster. It's a day that Aggies all over the world get together, remember their times in Aggieland and their fellow Aggies that have passed on in the past year. In College Station, tens of thousands gather in Reed Arena and perform the Roll Call for the Absent, during which we call the name of every Aggie, current and Old Army, that has died since the last Muster. We light a candle for every name and at the end of the ceremony the Ross Volunteers fire a 21 gun salute.

It's a beautiful ceremony. It embodies the Aggie Spirit and is almost a renewal of Aggie-ness for all Aggies; if ever you doubt why you chose A&M, go to Muster -- it's the night when you remember why you're an Aggie. It certainly reminded me.

This poem is one of many famous Aggie poems. It's called Roll Call for the Absent; we read it at every Muster now.

In many lands and climes this April day Proud sons of Texas A&M unite. Our loyalty to country, school, we pray, and seal our pact with bond of common might.

We live again those happy days of yore on campus, field, in classroom, dorm, at drill Fond memory brings a sigh -- but nothing more; Now we are men and life’s a greater thrill,

On Corregidor years ago today A band of gallant Aggies, led by Moore, Held simple rites which led to us doth all to say: The spirit shall prevail through cannon roar.

Before we part and go upon our way, We pause to honor those we knew so well; The old familiar faces we miss so much today Left cherished recollections that time cannot dispel.

Softly call the Muster, Let comrade answer, “Here!” Their spirits hover ‘round us As if to bring us cheer!

Mark them ‘present’ in our hearts. We’ll meet some other day There is no death, but life etern For our old friends such as they!

by Dr. John Ashton ‘06

img cred.

In Which All The Panic Became Something Good

I don't know if you guys saw my tweets this morning, but they went something along these lines:

"It's really fun finding out that a fact you made a lot of decisions based around was wrong. #Not."

"My life has become one round of misinformed decisions after another."

"我不知道。(I don't know.)"

This is because (to make an excruciatingly long story short) I found out that learning Chinese has been a total waste of my time, career-wise, because international treaties (I want to study international law) are written in French. And while, yeah, they're translated into Chinese, that's really not the dominant language of international law and I really need to learn French to make it anywhere.

Uhm. Cool.

I panicked when I found that out. Mostly because I've wasted a year learning a really difficult language that I apparently don't need and now I'm too far into my major to switch to French. Also, I'm required to study abroad to graduate and I was already working on applications to go to China for eight months in January and yeah I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT IF I DON'T NEED TO.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Spending eight months abroad would be amazing. But... I'm very much a home-person. I need my family and my friends. I was terrified to go for that long alone. If Mr. Man could come, okay, maybe I could handle that, but 8 months without him or my family or my friends? No. NONONONONONONO.

Not if it's not worth my time, at least. And apparently, it's not.

And then there are all the other decisions I made based on the China-for-8-months-thing -- like signing a lease that only goes from May-Dec because I won't need a place Jan-Aug, but now suddenly realizing that HOLY CRAP I NEED A PLACE TO LIVE.

I talked to my mom on the phone for multiple hours about all this today. We've got it pretty much figured -- I'll keep the lease I have and just move into my own place in January instead of going to China. I'll still go to China in the summer for 10 weeks to fulfill my international requirement to graduate, but now that I'm not spending a whole semester there I'm actually going to graduate on time instead of a semester late like I was going to have to. Which is a HUGE relief.

And, and, here's the best part: Because I'm going to be here that semester, I don't *need* to take a lot of summer school like I was going to have to to make up for basically taking a hiatus (one of the issues about going abroad 8 months was I could only take 1 class while I was there, instead of 5 I would have in the US). But, if I do take 2 classes during the summer, just 2, then I can actually get my minor in psychology like I've been wanting to and STILL GRADUATE ON TIME! I love psychology and have been wanting to study it but was going to have to stay a whole 'nother semester to do so, putting me at graduating a full year late.

So, RECAP: this morning: I was a double major graduating in December 2012. Tonight, I go to sleep a double major with a minor in psych graduating in May 2012.

On The Universe Trying to Tell Me I'm A Bad Person

On Monday, I got a parking ticket. In a VISITOR'S PARKING LOT. You're not supposed to get parking tickets in a visitor's lot people! HELLOOO. And, AND, I park in this lot literally three times a week, and have been doing this for a few semesters now. What the heck, TAMU?

Thursday, I had two midterms: Oceanography and Chinese. Night before, I was trying to get some studying done, you know BE A GOOD COLLEGE STUDENT. I was supposed to meet up with some friends to study at 8, but I really wanted Starbucks first. So, I decided that instead of parking on campus, walking over a mile past the library where we were meeting, walking off campus, getting coffee, then walking back to the library, I'd park by the Starbucks, get my fix, and walk half a mile to the library. This sounds feasible right? NOPE. Not a single spot that I wouldn't have gotten ANOTHER PARKING TICKET in sight. So, I finally just drive through another Starbucks, park, go to the library, only to then check my email and find out that OH-HEY-WE'RE-CANCELING-BECAUSE-I-DON'T-KNOW-WHY-BUT-SEE-YOU-TOMORROW. Really, this could have all been solved if a) there was a Starbucks on campus and b) my phone actually notified me when I got emails like it's supposed to.

Then, Thursday, actual test day. I got up early to go volunteer to teach kids to read like I always do. I got there, and my kid was absent and "Oh...did we not call you and tell you not to come? Sorry." Thanks a bunch. So I studied, then had lunch, which ended up making me sick. I was trying to eat a nice, healthy, Lean Cuisine, and now all I want to do is throw up! GRRR. Then, I went to go take my first test. Oceanography. I sit down, realize I don't have a scantron, sprint to the nearest place that sells them and am all "Do you have a grey scantron?" and they were all "Nope. Try blahblahblah place." So I ran there, got one, and skidded back into the room like five seconds before the test started. The girl that had taken the seat next to me in my absence looked vaguely familiar, but I didn't think about it because, oh hey, we'd been in the same class for half a semester, of course I'd seen her at least once before. Right? WRONG. We went to high school together. She, being the nice girl she is, totally remembered this. And when she said "OHMYGOSH! Hey, Valorie! How have you been? I haven't seen you since like graduation!" I, being the terrible person I am, looked at her blankly and went "huh?" Thankfully, I recovered enough to be like "Oh, yeah, how are you?!" While thinking, "What the hell is your name?"

So, then, the actual test. The last one was such a breeze that I only studied about two hours for this one. MISTAKE. I'm pretty sure I totally bombed it. And the whole time I'm thinking "WHAT THE HECK IS THIS GIRL'S NAME?" I finished, got up, and she whispered "Bye! Have a good weekend! See you Tuesday!" Or some such nice thing that she would say, and it isn't until I'm leaving the classroom that her name slaps me in the face and I realize I HAD HER IN EVERY ONE OF MY SCIENCE CLASSES THROUGHOUT HIGH SCHOOL. She was my physics LAB PARTNER, for crying out loud!

Then, Chinese midterm. While not as much drama went down, let's just say that I'm so not ready to go LIVE IN CHINA FOR 8 MONTHS NEXT YEAR. Considering I couldn't even identify the characters for Beijing (北京) during the test, I'm wondering how on earth I plan on living in that city.

-sigh-

You know what, Universe? I don't care if you think I'm a bad person. I HATE YOU TOO.

I didn't mean that. I'm sorry! Please don't kill me. -whimper-


[The universe photo is Futurama's idea of God. Thank these people for the idea, and these for the picture.]

The Art of Being Facebook Official

Between the marriage post and every totally awkward post, I'm pretty sure you guys understand how weird my friends and I are. And what kinds of utter shenanigans we get into.

This, though, THIS is a whole different thing.

Recently, some of my friends demanded I become "Facebook Official" with Mr. Man.

When I say "demanded," I pretty much mean exactly that, actually. I was told it wasn't okay that I wasn't wearing one of his rings on a chain around my neck, and so I need to make our relationship more public because omg, what if someone doesn't realize I'm not single and like...hits on me?

One. The only ring that man wears is the one I gave him for our 1.5 year anniversary. The one that matches the one I wear every day. It seems super redundant for me to be wearing two of the same ring and him nothing. Kthanksbye.

Two. WHAT THE WHAT IS THIS WEIRD TEXAS A&M MENTALITY? I swear. Because this isn't just my weird friends, I promise. Only in College Station does it mean that if you're not talking about your boyfriend/girlfriend 24/7 or basically have his/her name tattooed on your forehead, that means you're cheating. What is this obsession with being in a relationship and getting married? There's this whole cult belief here that if you don't graduate with two rings, you have somehow failed.

So. The logic was that if we don't make it Facebook Official (yes, capital F, capital O), we were going to cheat on each other. Obviously.

What? How exactly is having "In a Relationship With..." on my FACEBOOK FORCRYINGOUTLOUD going to stop other people from flirting with me? Are they going to ask to friend me, check my status, then decide "should I ask this girl to dance?" Like, REALLY? And how is a little clickylink going to stop me from cheating? I mean, Mr. Man is 100+ miles away. If I really wanted to cheat on him, I could, and he'd never have to know.

Don't worry, Mr. Man, I'm not going to cheat on you. :)

Yet, even urbandictionary has defined it as "the ultimate definition of a college relationship." And you know if it's on urbdic, that shit's real. ...SERIOUSLY?! STOP TAKING OVER MY LIFE, FACEBOOK.

I mean, he and I know we're committed to each other and each other only. Isn't that enough?

Lesson Learned: Aggies are not well-equipped for life outside of Aggieland.

Happy Planning!

Recently, weddings have been coming up a lot in conversation.

I don't know why. I for one, don't want to get married any time soon. It's not like I don't like the idea of a pretty white dress and lots of free stuff (not to mention a huge diamond ring and getting to kiss Mr. Groom [whomever he ends up being] whenever I want), but I'm just too. damn. busy.

I won't be done with school until I'm twenty-five.

25.

Yeah, people. That's right. Damn my mom for correctly predicting that I would go to law school. Maybe even 26 if I don't graduate from TAMU on time. [I don't want to talk about it. Whores in the dean's office. JUST KIDDING. Maybe. THEY'RE SCREWING ME OVER AND THEY SHOULD ALL JUST ACCEPT THAT I'M BRILLIANT AND GIVE ME MY DEGREE ALREADY. Seriously. It's just a piece of paper that acknowledges my brilliancy. It's not. that. hard. And I'm actually WORKING for it, not like these bull honorary degree recipients. I don't CARE what they did for America/The Whole Stinkin' World, did they go to your school? NOOOO.]

BUT I DIGRESS. Wow. Anyways. Eh-hem. Weddings, right.

Despite me insisting that I-don't-want-to-plan-a-wedding-and-try-to-get-my-law-degree-at-the-same-time-because-that-sounds-stupidly-stressful, they're pretty sure I'm going to get married first.

Before we graduate TAMU, before I'm even given my acceptance letter to UCBerkeley (which I'm sure they already drafted), I will have two rings -- my Aggie ring (Whoop!) and my engagement ring. That is their plan for me.

W.T.H.

They have decided though that if I'm NOT married first, that means I will have broken up with Mr. Man and will NEVER get married. I have tried to point out the DOZENS of flaws in their logic here, but they refuse to acknowledge my intellectual superiority, thus leaving me with two choices:

Married by December 2012 or Never Married Ever Because I Suck At Life.

What do you guys think of this dress?

Weekend Whoop!

This weekend started early for me, on Thursday. It was necessary -- school was being stupid and stressful (not that it WON'T be stressful this week, but whatever), and job applications (ie job rejections) are taking their toll, so Mr. Man and I drove up to Waco that night for dinner and a movie. Dinner was all right (Fazoli's was not on their game that night), but the movie was pretty good. We saw Ninja Assassin, and let me tell you, if you're in the mood for action/gore with almost no plot and a muscular man, this is the movie for you. Also, moms, if you really think your precious son needs to take up jiu jitsu/karate and/or be obsessed with ninjas/jump around the house acting like a maniac for a few weeks, this movie is a must-see. Mr. Man for one is definitely claiming that he's going to train to be a ninja warrior now. (I think he's mostly joking.) Seeing him was the best part of that night. I knew what I was getting into with a long-distance relationship, and that we wouldn't be able to see each other every single week, but getting to see him so soon after getting together and knowing that I get to see him again on Friday, makes getting through my crazy hectic week so much easier. Whoooop!

Friday: I finished out classes, then went and saw Dear John with my roomie and a friend of ours. Wow, that movie was incredible. Whooop! The storyline was very powerful and sweet and made it so easy to see how transformational love can be on a person. Definitely see it, but be warned -- it is so not a first date movie. If your man knows you cry in movies, then you're a little safer, because even I cried, and I never cry in movies.

Saturday: I worked out, went shopping with the roomie and the same girl we saw Dear John with, studied with a friend from high school, then came home and watched American Dreamz (which has to be one of the weirdest movies I've watched to date) with those two girls and Kassie! Then we played Apples to Apples, and well, you know the rest of the story. We had a lot of fun and laughed a lot, so all was good. Whooooop!

Sunday: Church, pancakes, coffee. This needs to become a tradition. Whoop! Unfortunately, because my weekend started so early, it was over pretty early too -- I made my To-Do List for the week and it spans two columns of an 8.5X11 inch sheet of paper. It's also color-coded, I thought you other OCD people might appreciate that. :) I should probably get onto finishing it... Tssssss!

Call It Vulnerability

Call it vulnerability, call it loneliness, call it depression. Call it whatever you want, but this post is all those things and a little more. It's not happy, okay? So if you need happy, go somewhere else.

I hate College Station.

There. I put it in print. I love the reputation Texas A&M has and the education I'm getting here, and I love the idea of the Aggie Ring and the traditions and being surrounded by good country folk and whatever else. I love everything about this school... except the fact that I feel like I have no one here. Cyndi is in Houston, Katie in Arizona, Travis at Tech, Mr Man in Dallas, etc...

It's not even that I don't have people I hang out with here. I have Ayla, I have the Stephanies, I have Dan. And I have that whole group that comes with Ayla and Dan and Stephanie.

Except... I really feel like they're not *my* friends, per se. Most of them. I feel like most of them are Ayla's friends and that they just put up with me. Like they know that I'm Ayla's room mate and she likes me most of the time, so they just deal with it. But if they can get away with ignoring me, they will.

It's not even that I want to move to Houston or Dallas or Arizona or wherever. I wouldn't. I'm not going to be clingy and follow my friends. I just want to go somewhere where I don't constantly feel like people are looking past me, looking for Ayla. I don't want people to only remember my name so they don't feel totally rude asking me where Stephanie or Ayla is.

I mean, I do have Ayla and Kassie and one of the Stephanies (the more level headed of the two, honestly) to count on. Except... I feel like I do Stephanie more harm than good. Her old room mate is angry with her right now over something related to me that Fephie had no control over. Until recently her best friend and I weren't speaking, and even though neither of us wanted to put her in the middle, she definitely ended up there. And Kassie's always so busy... working two jobs, super involved at her church, involved in school. She impresses me a lot, actually. We hang out when we can, but our schedules don't always align, which sucks. And Ayla... Well, I love Ayla to death. But it's hard to be friends with someone who you resent more and more because you feel like once she enters a room people stop paying attention to you.

I've haven't felt so surrounded by people and yet so very very alone since the end of my sophomore, beginning of my junior year of high school.

I've felt like this for months. Actually, no, I've felt like this the whole time I've lived here. It kind of went away because Fephie and I were hanging out multiple times a week last semester, and it's not as bad as it could be because I know I always have Mr Man waiting for me to "come back home," but I wish I didn't feel so alone when I was at school. I wish I didn't feel so invisible all the time.

I wish I could be like JD Salinger and have the courage to just be alone.

A Whole Lot of Random