Grade Disputes, Moving, and My Coffee Addiction

So, yeah, like, A&M screwed up my grades this semester. Pretty hardcore. Like, at this moment, I have an F in my oceanography class. The class that I definitely DEFINITELY got an A in. My prof didn't care enough to respond to the several two emails I sent (neither did the oceanography dept head), which was frustrating because let's talk about how an F in that class isn't helping that whole getting-my-scholarship-back thing. So I was forced to go to the school and bitch out speak with the head of the geosciences dept, who figured out the problem and is going to kind of fix it maybe, hopefully by July when my prof gets back from some research trip that apparently keeps him from having contact with the rest of the world.

I'm sorry, but no. Just no. There's NO WAY YOU ARE ANYWHERE THAT YOU CANNOT BE CONTACTED. Not in this day with the level of technology we have. NOT WHEN YOUR RESEARCH INCLUDES SATELLITE COMMUNICATIONS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Deep breath.

I moved on Saturday. It's not very exciting. But it happened. I live in a duplex now. I like it. It was a stressful move and there was definitely some tension between my old room mate and I that hasn't been/won't ever be resolved, but I've given up caring at this point. I've been avoiding talking about it here, but one day I will.

I have too much on my mind.

All that plus my sick puppy back home plus the stressful mini semester I'm taking have led to a very unhappy Valorie. And unhappy Valorie drinks lots of coffee. In the past 24 hours, I've probably had half a gallon, easy. That's insane. Combined with almost no "real" food, it's been one long stomach ache, which has really meshed real well with the stomach aches from the stress.

But to end this blog on a good note, I sent in a secret to Post Secret today. Also, I finished reading Candide, by Voltaire. Check it out if you get the chance. :)

A Change In Direction

As you guys know, there's been drama in my life because some of my IRL friends read this blog and use it against me (to some extent). Yet, I've been hesitating to write this blog post for a long time now (read: months), mostly because I'm afraid it'll start drama of it's own. But now it's getting to the point where something's gotta give, and this is it.

I'm not ending On the Pursuit. I love this blog, and it's been a wonderful way to meet people over the past year.

However, after all the nonsense that went down with Friend and a few other instances that I haven't talked about here as much, I've become uncomfortable talking about things going on in my life now simply because of who does read this blog, I've decided that a change in direction is necessary.

As you may or may not have noticed in the past month, I haven't really blogged about anything going on below the surface, other than the accident and thinking I'm fat. But a lot has been going on, a lot that has reduced me to crying myself to sleep pretty much every night this month. I've tried to ignore all the IRL drama, and just be myself on here, regardless of what people think, but I just can't do it as long as people who read this blog will give me hell about my honest opinion about things. Which sucks, because, some of these people are my closest friends, and wonderful friends offline. So I've been needing a place to talk and be honest, so I started another blog like I've said once or twice before that I thought I should.

No, I'm not going to link up to it. The whole point is that I want to be able to talk about how I feel like one of my best friends has seemingly abandoned me for no reason, and I have no idea why, without someone I know in real life going to him/her and saying I feel this way, when, honestly, I've basically given up dealing with it. I need a place where I can go to cry, to rejoice, and to think out loud without losing a friend over it. And this just isn't that place anymore.

But, if I don't know you IRL, and you want the link, shoot me an email (check the sidebar) and I'll hook you up. Most of you guys have been so supportive and wonderful, and I hate to offend you, because it really is only a few people who are causing a hell of a lot of grief. So, please, please, don't be offended.

No, this is not an April Fool's Joke.

I love you guys. :) I'll post again soon.

On Being Totally Self-Conscious

Yeah. Me. Self-conscious. Sure, I'm conceited 90% of the time. I think I'm pretty hot stuff. It doesn't help that my friends pretty often complain about how boys throw themselves at me, which I honestly don't EVER notice, but having them tell me this is enough to boost my ego.

But right now is that other 5% of the time when I want to wear baggy clothes and curl up in a ball and not come out of my room until I'm somehow miraculously back down to the size 1/2 I was in high school.

I keep seeing (and hanging out with) pretty, skinny girls. I'm sure they were around during the winter too, but they were all bundled up in jackets and sweaters and it's harder to tell if someone's hiding a muffin top under their big snow jacket. But now they're out in droves, wearing itty bitty tank tops and short shorts and generally just looking hot, and I'm so just... not.

These are the girls I used to look like:

And, I mean, I am not fat by any means. But I'm not a size 1 or 2 anymore. And, honestly, this is getting me to a dangerous place in my life because I'm starting to count calories without thinking and telling myself, "Whoa, 1200 in a day? That's a lot, Valorie..." And while it's been years since I last was starving myself, I don't want to slip down the slope again. Because 1200 ISN'T a lot.

And yet, yeah, I DO want to wear short shorts without them riding up my leg, or wear a tight tank top without worrying about fat I look in it. I want to feel confident wearing a swim suit and not mind the fact that summer is coming up and soon the last thing I'm going to be wanting to do in Texas is wear clothes. You know? I want to be able to show a little midriff and be confident that people aren't disgusted and/or judging me. And I don't feel that way right now.

Yeah, it helps that Mr. Man tells me I'm pretty all the time. But still, I'd like to feel pretty for once, you know?

All this to say, I'm giving up cheese for a week. It's on my 101 in 1001 list anyways, and I know most of the fat/calories in my diet come from cheese. I'm not really sure how I'm going to pull this one off since I literally have cheese with every meal, but... I'm working out it. We'll see. I've also been doing the working out five times a week thing and it's definitely helped some -- I've already lost like two and a half pounds... but still.

Y'all get where I'm coming from, right?

It's a Love/Hate Thing

I love being back together with Mr. Man.

I hate this whole distance thing.

It's worth it. I keep telling myself that. It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it. Some days, I have to grit my teeth and and mutter it'sworthiticandothis.

See, the past week has sucked for both of us.

His good friend was jumped and brutally beaten and, as far as I know, is still in the hospital.

One of my closest friends and I had a falling out.

Mr. Man's beloved husky ran away.

I'm keeping a huge family secret that only he and Roomie know about at this point, and it's making me anxious.

I want to be there with him right now. Marley (his husky) turned up, but I wanted to be there looking for her, and I wanted to be there to hug him when he heard his friend was in the hospital. I wanted to be able to go over to his apartment when I got my letter from Friend telling me he didn't want us to be friends anymore, and I want him to hug me and tell me that all this family stuff is going to work out for the best.

Not because any of that is enjoyable and my choice for a date. Far from it. But I want to be there to support him and to have that support in return. And I can't always be. And it really really sucks.

Conflicted.

I REALLY need y'all's help with this.

I'm having a bit of drama in my life, and my wonderful blog here is kind of a part of it.

See, one of my friends is very much not okay with how much I talk about Mr. Man on here and on twitter. Friend wants to cut me out of his life because he is so upset about this. I told Friend that if he didn't want to hear about Mr. Man anymore, Friend should just stop reading my blog and I'd agree to not talk to him about Mr. Man. Then Friend tells me that really the problem is that he's "in love" with me and is either going to stop being friends with me or I'm going to have to stop talking about Mr. Man at all. I feel that I should be able to talk about Mr. Man however and whenever I want though. I'm not going to censor myself for one person. On top of that, he implied that if he and I were never going to be "us" he didn't want to be friends at all, and that I should have known that this was all or nothing.

This devolved into a lot of fighting, during which he admitted that every time he knows Mr. Man and I are together, he drinks until he passes out. So now I feel guilty, because even though I'm not handing him the bottle, I know how he's finding out.

I don't want to cut him out of my life, and I don't want to be cut out of his. But I'm sick of him making me feel guilty about ever having feelings for anyone else. So, my question to y'all is: Should I scale back my friendship with him, make it clear that we're not going to able to be as close as we were before, or should I end this blog and start a new anonymous blog so Friend and I can stay close and he won't be able to read it? What would y'all do?

Oh, and don't worry, you can say whatever you want. He already knows I feel this way and won't be at all surprised by this post.

Lame.

I am very sick.

This is LAME.

Mostly because Mr. Man is supposed to get here tomorrow for our Valentine's Weekend, but also because SICK = STUPID.

I know. Verbose.

I blame it on the cold medication. I totally DON'T recommend Zicam, by the way. At least not yet. Though, it does taste good. Well, as good as medicine gets, I suppose.

My oceanography test totally did not go well, as you can guess. STUPID INCONVENIENT ILLNESSES THAT RUIN MY WEEK.

Call It Vulnerability

Call it vulnerability, call it loneliness, call it depression. Call it whatever you want, but this post is all those things and a little more. It's not happy, okay? So if you need happy, go somewhere else.

I hate College Station.

There. I put it in print. I love the reputation Texas A&M has and the education I'm getting here, and I love the idea of the Aggie Ring and the traditions and being surrounded by good country folk and whatever else. I love everything about this school... except the fact that I feel like I have no one here. Cyndi is in Houston, Katie in Arizona, Travis at Tech, Mr Man in Dallas, etc...

It's not even that I don't have people I hang out with here. I have Ayla, I have the Stephanies, I have Dan. And I have that whole group that comes with Ayla and Dan and Stephanie.

Except... I really feel like they're not *my* friends, per se. Most of them. I feel like most of them are Ayla's friends and that they just put up with me. Like they know that I'm Ayla's room mate and she likes me most of the time, so they just deal with it. But if they can get away with ignoring me, they will.

It's not even that I want to move to Houston or Dallas or Arizona or wherever. I wouldn't. I'm not going to be clingy and follow my friends. I just want to go somewhere where I don't constantly feel like people are looking past me, looking for Ayla. I don't want people to only remember my name so they don't feel totally rude asking me where Stephanie or Ayla is.

I mean, I do have Ayla and Kassie and one of the Stephanies (the more level headed of the two, honestly) to count on. Except... I feel like I do Stephanie more harm than good. Her old room mate is angry with her right now over something related to me that Fephie had no control over. Until recently her best friend and I weren't speaking, and even though neither of us wanted to put her in the middle, she definitely ended up there. And Kassie's always so busy... working two jobs, super involved at her church, involved in school. She impresses me a lot, actually. We hang out when we can, but our schedules don't always align, which sucks. And Ayla... Well, I love Ayla to death. But it's hard to be friends with someone who you resent more and more because you feel like once she enters a room people stop paying attention to you.

I've haven't felt so surrounded by people and yet so very very alone since the end of my sophomore, beginning of my junior year of high school.

I've felt like this for months. Actually, no, I've felt like this the whole time I've lived here. It kind of went away because Fephie and I were hanging out multiple times a week last semester, and it's not as bad as it could be because I know I always have Mr Man waiting for me to "come back home," but I wish I didn't feel so alone when I was at school. I wish I didn't feel so invisible all the time.

I wish I could be like JD Salinger and have the courage to just be alone.