Monday, March 29, 2010

On Being Totally Self-Conscious

Yeah. Me. Self-conscious. Sure, I'm conceited 90% of the time. I think I'm pretty hot stuff. It doesn't help that my friends pretty often complain about how boys throw themselves at me, which I honestly don't EVER notice, but having them tell me this is enough to boost my ego.

But right now is that other 5% of the time when I want to wear baggy clothes and curl up in a ball and not come out of my room until I'm somehow miraculously back down to the size 1/2 I was in high school.

I keep seeing (and hanging out with) pretty, skinny girls. I'm sure they were around during the winter too, but they were all bundled up in jackets and sweaters and it's harder to tell if someone's hiding a muffin top under their big snow jacket. But now they're out in droves, wearing itty bitty tank tops and short shorts and generally just looking hot, and I'm so just... not.

These are the girls I used to look like:

And, I mean, I am not fat by any means. But I'm not a size 1 or 2 anymore. And, honestly, this is getting me to a dangerous place in my life because I'm starting to count calories without thinking and telling myself, "Whoa, 1200 in a day? That's a lot, Valorie..." And while it's been years since I last was starving myself, I don't want to slip down the slope again. Because 1200 ISN'T a lot.

And yet, yeah, I DO want to wear short shorts without them riding up my leg, or wear a tight tank top without worrying about fat I look in it. I want to feel confident wearing a swim suit and not mind the fact that summer is coming up and soon the last thing I'm going to be wanting to do in Texas is wear clothes. You know? I want to be able to show a little midriff and be confident that people aren't disgusted and/or judging me. And I don't feel that way right now.

Yeah, it helps that Mr. Man tells me I'm pretty all the time. But still, I'd like to feel pretty for once, you know?

All this to say, I'm giving up cheese for a week. It's on my 101 in 1001 list anyways, and I know most of the fat/calories in my diet come from cheese. I'm not really sure how I'm going to pull this one off since I literally have cheese with every meal, but... I'm working out it. We'll see. I've also been doing the working out five times a week thing and it's definitely helped some -- I've already lost like two and a half pounds... but still.

Y'all get where I'm coming from, right?


  1. Yeah I gotcha. Summer is coming and it's time to get ready to put on swimsuits and party! I've been working out like crazy myself for the same reason, so I understand what you mean. It's not a matter of not looking your best, its a matter of working to look KICK ASS! whoooo!

  2. Read my self-conscious blog. I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago. Go. Read. You know me, and you know that I am NO WHERE near a size 1 or 2. Have an epiphany valorie. :)

  3. You just need to love you for you...I have learned to do that and honestly I'm much happier than I was when I was a smaller person because I'm now confident in who I am. It doesn't matter what size you are as long as you feel beautiful you are.

  4. Such a crazy way our minds work. I am totally self conscious...I think it is because of this extra - leftover - baby weight...but I think back and I was like this was I was thin too...It is something I need to work on in my is not really about the calories for me.


Commenting? How lovely. Please try not to talk about dead cats.