Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Goals. And Other Things That Are Really Cute But Apparently Useless To Me.


Yeah, about that.

"I'm going to spend my days writing instead of wasting them doing useless things (I'm looking at you, facebook). My goal is to have a novel finished being written by September 1. I'll revise, revise, revise starting the 2nd. I'll take the next step (finding an agent, publisher, etc.) by December 1." [from this post.]

Hahahaha. That's cute. Tomorrow is December 1. I have not finished the novel I was talking about then. I haven't touched it since roughly September 15th. Whoop?

I'd like to make excuses -- School was overwhelming! Boy troubles! Depression! Illness! Waaah! But, really, as true as those are, I don't want to use them. I should have dedicated more time. I should have been better about it. If this is something I really so desperately want, which it is, then I should be accountable to that dream.

So, this is me being accountable to that dream. I'm doing my own NaNoWriMo, except in December because... Well because December starts tomorrow and I'm sick of waiting, dammit. I will start with a whole new idea from scratch (which means I need to come up with a whole new idea sometime before midnight), and put the novel I talked about in August on hold so I can look at it with fresh (ahem, fresher) eyes in a month.

Excuse me, I have work to do. :)

P.S. Did any of you participate in NaNoWriMo this year? How did it go for you? Did you finish? Did you "win?" Is it going to be the next Water for Elephants?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Today, I...


I miss Sweet Eugene's coffee.
I miss playing with puppies.
I miss watching reruns of Inuyasha late at night.
I miss walks in the park.
I miss laughing at nothing.
I miss tickle fights.

I think I'm starting to feel a little better.
I think journaling daily is helping a lot.
I think I'm starting to remember how to smile.
I think I actually might like being single.
I think I may still need medication.
I think getting a puppy may be in my future.

I am thankful classes are already done for the week.
I am thankful that I get to spend this weekend with my family.
I am thankful for friends that make sure I get out of the house.
I am thankful my parents are moving back to DFW.
I am thankful for blue skies.
I am thankful for supportive readers that encourage me almost every day. <3

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Darkness

I sat staring at this blank screen for about an hour. I didn't know where to start. I knew this was something that needed to be put into words -- not as a cry for help but as a moment to be truly honest about something that I normally hide from everyone, but I didn't know how to say it.

The fact of the matter is that I've probably had Seasonal Affective Disorder since middle school. Or maybe it's Major Depressive Disorder. It's never really been cleared up. I've had bouts of depression during spring/summer, but it's always been worse during the winter months, when I feel like everything around me is dying.

That's how I feel right now. Like I'm dying. More specifically, I kind of feel like I'm drowning. Like I can't breathe correctly. Like I'm swimming against a very strong current, a current that is trying to drag me down to the ocean floor. You know how when you're underwater, you can't hear anything correctly? I feel like that too, like the whole world is out of tune, like there's some kind of impenetrable membrane separating me from everyone else.

Perhaps I should say here that I'm not suicidal. At all. I want desperately to run away because I feel trapped in this town, or perhaps just trapped in my own head, but I know that I'll be okay again and that makes this bearable now.

This is the worst I've ever felt though. It's like I can't function properly. My heart and mind physically hurt, like every heart beat and every thought is a physical exertion that I just won't be able to complete again. I'm exhausted constantly. My whole body aches. I've been sick for weeks now. I can't sleep for days at a time, and when I finally do sleep getting out of bed is a multiple hour long argument that often includes me crying at some point. In fact, I cry for no reason these days; I'm crying as I type this just because I'm thinking about crying. I feel like I'm losing my mind and there's nothing I can do from teetering on the edge of total collapse as the walls close in around me.

And yet, I have no desire to be on medication. It's partly from a pride stance, but it's also because I don't want something that will "even out" my mood. I still have good days. In fact, I have days where I feel like I'm flying, like I'm unstoppable, like the world could not be more wonderful. I've had a day like that this week. I remember how to laugh on those days. And I don't want the meds to take those days away because if I can't fall asleep hoping the next time I wake up will be one of those days, I might actually lose my shit all together.

But nights like tonight, when it takes all my willpower to not just curl up on the floor of my closet and cry, or use one of my even less healthy coping mechanisms, I start to think maybe I should set my pride on the shelf along with the good days, and take something to at least make me feel like I'm going to make it to spring.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

things we never want to hear.

It's funny how once a break up becomes part of your past, you tend to forget how frustrating and gut-wrenching and just utterly maddening it can be. All you remember is the heartbreak and the sadness. Or at least, that's all I ever remember.

But right now, I'm in the middle of the anger and if I don't say something about it, I'm going to lose my mind. It's this one line he said:

I always thought you were too good for me.

No. Just no. When you find someone who is "too good" for you, you do anything you can to hold on to him/her until you can't any longer. You do anything you can to keep him/her in your life. You don't push them away until they feel utterly worthless to you. You just don't.

Please, don't lie to me.

I really could have lived without hearing that. I would have preferred to be told almost anything else. Hell, I think I would have preferred he agreed with me when I said I felt like he never thought I was good enough for him.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one that went through this during a break up, so I asked people on twitter to tell me the line they hate to hear most in a breakup, the one sentence they could live without. This is what they came up with:

It's not you, it's me. -@kcessna
God told me we can't be together. -@kcessna
Here's your ring back. -@desa155
There's things in my life I want to do that don't include you. -@desa155
You'll be better off without me. -@anglin12
We can still hang out. -@anglin12
I still love you. -@anglin12
Things are different than they were at the beginning. -@TrevinoJake
I can't let feelings get in the way of this decision... I want a divorce. -@bfdchris
I found someone else. -@kevinized100
You're a great guy, more than any woman could ask for, just not what I need. -@sejose24

I have to thank these people for being so kind as to share those memories with me. Especially since some of them shared their frustration with the line too. I wish there was something we could do or say to counteract the anger, to make it better. Even if that meant just forgetting. Especially when it just feels like a downright lie, or is completely offensive.

What he said is reverberating through my head. I have turned the line over and examined it a hundred times and it never gets any better. I can't wait until the day when I'm over this.

Thank you to all who have reached out to me and assured me that that day will come. <33 I appreciate you guys more than I know how to express.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Confession is defined as an admission of misdeeds or faults. (You know, according to Google. And we all know how right Google always is.) Well, this is my confession:

I have no idea how to be completely single. Since the seventh grade, I have not been completely single for more than a month. There were times in high school and college where nominally I was, as in we weren't "exclusive" or whatever. But I really don't think I've ever not been involved with someone.

I have no idea how to be alone.

I am completely 100% single rightthissecond and I want to stay that way. I want to meet this single Valorie, this girl who I've never even seen. I'm a little sad that I didn't get to meet her as a teenager, but I assume she'd be cool as a twenty-something too.

Because, let's face it: I need to learn how to be alone.

Right this second, being completely 100% uninvolved with anyone is involving a lot of running, a lot of crying, and listening to "You Start Over Your Way" by Randy Rogers Band on repeat. However, I'm sure this isn't all being single includes. But I'm so used to jumping into another fling or relationship right after this part that I don't know what comes next.

So, confession: I still have a lot to learn.

edit, later: My cousin tweeted this today and I just had to quote it: Single isn't a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others. Needed that today.

This post was brought to you in part by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

mental health day.


Lately, I've been feeling exhausted all the time. Sick absolutely constantly. I've gotten to a point where I'm half-assing everything because I just don't care anymore. I'm totally burned out on everything. Dropping everything and driving somewhere else is looking more and more appealing.

So, I took a mental health day. Other than go to class, I didn't let myself do anything I didn't want to all day. I made sure today was about me and my needs. Because without that, I was going to entirely lose my mind. So, all I did all day was:

Journal for more than an hour.
It's amazing how many things you can discover about yourself during a free write.

Read some JD Salinger.
The Glass family has a tendency to make me feel alive again.

Lay in the grass and feel the ground beneath me.
It was the first time I felt stable and entirely solid in weeks.

Eat waffles for breakfast, poptarts for lunch, and pudding for dinner.
Yes, comfort food. Yes, entirely comforting. No, I don't regret it.

Read over writing I haven't touched in months and gotten back in touch with characters.
I missed spending at least an hour a day writing. I need that back in my life.

Turned off my phone and went to bed at six.
I needed sleep so desperately. I feel like I can physically see things more clearly now.

Watched about three hours straight of Friends.
Like the Glass family, those six remind me that we are alive and real.

I think I'll do it all again tomorrow.

What do you guys do on your mental health days?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sometimes, Right Now


Here's a little something you should know about International Studies majors: We're always planning trips and dying to go abroad and talking about how the second we graduate we're going to move to another country and work for a non-profit or the UN or be an ambassador or do something for the State Department.

I'm told it's inspiring. I'm told we're some of the most liberal and idealistic people on this campus. I'm told our dreams are impressive.

I'm also told we're really hard people to date.

In a school where dating is almost always geared toward marriage, Aggies at some point developed a mentality of 'why bother?' if we know it's not going anywhere. Which has its merits, I'm sure. It means though that people find it hard to commit to someone who is constantly on the verge of escape, that will never stay but will always leave.

And I totally get this. I don't want to get too involved knowing that I'm leaving for China for three months next summer and that December of '11, I'm embarking on some insane world trip which I don't plan on returning from until Fall '12. I don't want to risk wanting to stay when all I've ever really wanted was to leave.

If I'm being honest, I'm okay with being single. I enjoy my freedoms right now. I like being independent, I like not owing anyone anything. I like being on my own. I like that I don't feel as grounded, that I could take off whenever, that I could fly.

But if I'm being really honest, I have to admit that there are things I miss about being stable, about having a boyfriend.

I miss knowing that I definitely had something to do on Friday or Saturday night.

I miss going to scary movies and having a hand to hold.

I miss having someone who would be there to take care of me if I was sick.

I miss sharing secrets late at night under the stars.

I miss sit-down meals and date nights.

I miss being able to depend on someone.

I miss getting flowers and laughing over little inside jokes.

I miss not playing games and not dealing with the hook up culture.