I sat staring at this blank screen for about an hour. I didn't know where to start. I knew this was something that needed to be put into words -- not as a cry for help but as a moment to be truly honest about something that I normally hide from everyone, but I didn't know how to say it.
The fact of the matter is that I've probably had Seasonal Affective Disorder since middle school. Or maybe it's Major Depressive Disorder. It's never really been cleared up. I've had bouts of depression during spring/summer, but it's always been worse during the winter months, when I feel like everything around me is dying.
That's how I feel right now. Like I'm dying. More specifically, I kind of feel like I'm drowning. Like I can't breathe correctly. Like I'm swimming against a very strong current, a current that is trying to drag me down to the ocean floor. You know how when you're underwater, you can't hear anything correctly? I feel like that too, like the whole world is out of tune, like there's some kind of impenetrable membrane separating me from everyone else.
Perhaps I should say here that I'm not suicidal. At all. I want desperately to run away because I feel trapped in this town, or perhaps just trapped in my own head, but I know that I'll be okay again and that makes this bearable now.
This is the worst I've ever felt though. It's like I can't function properly. My heart and mind physically hurt, like every heart beat and every thought is a physical exertion that I just won't be able to complete again. I'm exhausted constantly. My whole body aches. I've been sick for weeks now. I can't sleep for days at a time, and when I finally do sleep getting out of bed is a multiple hour long argument that often includes me crying at some point. In fact, I cry for no reason these days; I'm crying as I type this just because I'm thinking about crying. I feel like I'm losing my mind and there's nothing I can do from teetering on the edge of total collapse as the walls close in around me.
And yet, I have no desire to be on medication. It's partly from a pride stance, but it's also because I don't want something that will "even out" my mood. I still have good days. In fact, I have days where I feel like I'm flying, like I'm unstoppable, like the world could not be more wonderful. I've had a day like that this week. I remember how to laugh on those days. And I don't want the meds to take those days away because if I can't fall asleep hoping the next time I wake up will be one of those days, I might actually lose my shit all together.
But nights like tonight, when it takes all my willpower to not just curl up on the floor of my closet and cry, or use one of my even less healthy coping mechanisms, I start to think maybe I should set my pride on the shelf along with the good days, and take something to at least make me feel like I'm going to make it to spring.