Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
It's funny how your heart works.
You meet someone. You two click -- he makes your knees weak just by looking at you, or is as passionate about cheese and wine as you are, or hates Olivia Munn the same way you do. He does yoga, or shares the same deep faith you do, or has a career that makes you admire him. He makes you laugh, or can talk politics, or just makes you feel a bit more alive. Basically, he does something right. And maybe you start to think hey, this one might be *the one.*
But then something goes wrong. He learns to like Olivia Munn, or decides to change career paths, or just becomes lactose intolerant. He does something wrong, or he stops doing something right, or maybe it's even your fault. Whatever it was, you've stopped feeling alive when you're together. You go your separate ways.
It doesn't happen every time, but maybe this time you're heartbroken. You eat a lot of ice cream, or you stay in bed for a week, or you go out and drink a lot. You do whatever it takes to get him off your mind, to make you stop feeling like you're drowning in your heartbreak. Eventually, the immediate pain fades, but then you're left feeling bitter and empty. You swear off dating for a while, or maybe you even swear off dating forever.
You do your own thing. You realize you don't need someone else around to hate Olivia Munn, or to still enjoy your yoga classes, or to feel alive. Slowly, you remember how to be happy on your own. You stop drinking as much, you start to laugh again, maybe you rescind your decision to never date again ever.
Then, one day, seemingly out of no where, you notice someone. Maybe it's the guy that's always at Starbucks at the same time as you every morning, or he sits down next to you in class, or you meet randomly on a plane. Maybe it's someone you've always been friends with, but something has changed.
You're hesitant, but a long talk over coffee, or a few sweet text messages, or a grand gesture make you think that maybe you shouldn't brush this one off. He doesn't do any of the same things the other guy did -- he doesn't do yoga, or would always pick beer over wine, or is apathetic to politics. But he has a lot of dogs, or agrees that Jon Stewart hosts better interviews than Stephen Colbert, or is incredibly invested in the volunteer work he does. And it turns out that you think those things are good too.
Without even consciously deciding it, you allow your heart to open just a little bit. You're not head over heels yet, but there's a little flutter of something there, and you find yourself thinking that maybe you could try at least one more time.
Love, loss, hope, repeat.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
When I left for Montreal, my main thought was, "Okay, yes. Leaving the country. This will cool that intense desire to travel that's been gnawing at me for the past few months." I mean, I really didn't leave the country once all of 2010 (the first year that's happened since I was born) so I just thought I was just restless for that reason.
Since getting back from Montreal (and getting a $600 voucher to Delta), that desire to leave is more fiery than ever. All I can think about is where I want to go next (Boston? Seattle? San Diego? The Caribbean? Mexico?). I was hoping that finding out I'm definitely confirmed for my program for China this summer would help tame this desire (weeeee!), but NO. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TRAVEL.
So, I've been flipping through travel books and looking at other people's pictures online and looking up flight fares and planning trips with friends and and and not studying. Which is a huge problem since I had two tests last week and the LSAT yesterday. I TOOK THE LSAT YESTERDAY. How is that even possible? How am I that far in my educational career?!
Well, I'm graduating in December. That's how. I could graduate in August, but I don't want to work hard this summer. And also, I want one more Aggie Football season. But also because how can I already be graduating?!
I'm sorry, but, WHAT THE ACTUAL WHAT? Wasn't I like, *just* a freshman in college? Wasn't I like, *just* going through the worst heartbreak of my life and trying out modeling and moving out of my parents' house for the first time and dating a Marine and and and...? What do you MEAN that was more than two years ago? What do you MEAN I'm a senior in college now? What do you MEAN I get my Aggie Ring on April 15? What do you MEAN I won't be in College Station next spring?
I mean like, yes, I AM HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW.
How is this real life?
Get me out of this city right now. Take me somewhere where I can marvel at something else, something constant, just so I can stop marveling at the fact that I'm almost a Real Grown Ass Woman and that I feel like my life has changed over night, morphed into something that I'm not sure I'm quite ready to handle.