Wednesday, October 10, 2012

relationship hangovers, geology class, and the concept of waste.

I spent my summer single. I didn't go on dates, I didn't do much of anything except work, read, drink and -- unfortunately -- come home to The Ex every night.

That's right - we broke up in May, but he didn't move out until September 30.

It's a long story why, but I'll save you the head scratching and just say that yes, it was terrible and awkward and basically felt like one really long hangover. You know the hangover I'm talking about - the one where you wake up and think "Jesus, why did I think making out with him/riding that mechanical bull/taking eleventy billion tequila shots was a good idea?" Except it was a person, and I was looking him in the face every day and wondering, "Jesus, how did we ever get along well enough to date? For over a year? To move in together?"

But I suppose those answers are neither here nor there. 

The weird thing about living alone now is not that I suddenly miss him - I don't - it's that I feel this weird sense of confusion, like I've wasted a lot of time, somehow.

The thing about dating someone for a long time is that it's like taking a course in another human being. You learn their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick, what they dream about, where they're going, and what they're afraid of. You learn all these little details, their ins and outs so to speak. When you're together, it's great - you feel like the only person in the world who could know this much about them, who can speak with authority on them - but when it's over, it feels useless, and part of you doesn't want it to be.

Ending a serious relationship with someone feels like getting an A in a geology class when your major is English.

When it's over, you're left wondering: Was it a waste? Wasn't it? You got the experience, you learned a lot, but to what end? Was it worth it? 

What I'm trying to say is: What do you do with all that knowledge about your ex? You can't use it in your next relationship, but you can't just forget it either. No one else wants to hear about it, and I wouldn't share it with anyone anyway. No matter how badly the relationship ended, I just think there are some things that should be left sacred, between the two.

So what do you do?

Monday, October 1, 2012

emotional upheavals, re-prioritizing, and a promise of return.

It's been a Tough Couple Months, guys.

Putting that in writing - capitalized, at that! - made me realize how true it was. How true it is. Seeing that here, in the Compose a Post screen made it real, more than I cared to admit up until now. Admitting it is both the hardest and most relaxing thing I've done in the past few months.

Because, here's the thing: It hasn't all been bad, though there's been more bad than good during these Tough Couple Months. It's just been one emotional upheaval over another. There's been the realization that several members of my family are aging and sick, and I might lose them soon. There's been The Grad School Decision, personal life crises, serious financial crises, living with The Ex, a job that demands more than I ever expected it to, losses of friends and gaining new ones, big and little disappointments, total failures, and trying to learn French. There's been too much alcohol, moratoriums on alcohol, bitter fights with myself about everything, and attempts to just be nice to myself as I try to navigate these waters.

This is just how life goes. Sometimes, things are simple - you don't have much going on, it feels easy. And sometimes, you think the Universe is testing to see how much weight you can carry before you collapse.

I didn't collapse, but the Tough Couple Months aren't over yet. There have been times when I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only for it to be extinguished again. This time, it seems like the light is real, but I'm frankly exhausted and afraid of getting my hopes up too far.

Right now, I'm doing a lot of general re-prioritizing in my life, which typically happens third when I'm going through tough times, right after alcohol and sleep. (Which, really, need to be re-prioritized too.) And with that, I'm hoping that I'll be returning to this blog. Posting has been sporadic (at best) during the Tough Couple Months, and while I know the general vibe over here includes a lot of snark, it doesn't generally include a lot of whining.

So that's where I am. I know it's not an "excuse" or even much of an explanation for my absence, but I am alive still, and I'll be back for real soon.

At the moment though, what I really want is to hear from you guys - what have you been up to the past few months? I've been out of touch with everyone and everything online, unfortunately. So, where have your lives taken you?