Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year :)

Happy New Year, everyone! Here's an Irish blessing for everyone, from my family to yours:

May the road rise to meet you,
may the wind be always at your back,

may the sun shine warm upon your face,

the rains fall soft upon your fields and,

until we meet again,

may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Bye, 2010. Hey there, 2011.

I didn't participate in Reverb 10, but I read everyone else's responses to the prompts and loved them, as well as thought on them on my own. I don't think I could encapsulate 2010 into one word, but I think I've gotten it in one phrase:

I should have...

I should have known you would be no good for me. I should have written more. I should have apologized. I should have taken more pictures. I should have tried harder. I should have traveled more. I should have been careful. I should have focused. I should have been grateful. I should have enjoyed myself.

I should have, I should have, I should have.

I know those all sound negative. But, even though there were many parts of 2010 that I loved and wouldn't give back for the world, overall I think this is the only year I ever ended on an unhappy note. And really, I know this isn't just The Darkness talking; these are legitimate things that I wish I could change. 2010 was a rough year; I lost both family pets, almost died in a near-fatal car accident, and slammed head first into my Quarter-Life Crisis.

That said, I did learn a lot in 2010. It was a year made for learning about myself, the world around me, and where I fit into it. I know that will continue, and that's exciting.

But for me, I want 2011 to be about carpe diem, seizing the day; Do Epic Shit. If the Mayans were right and this is the last full year ever, then it will be a year of laughter, of pictures, of inspiration, of doing what's right. I'll continue to learn, and to grow; barring all catastrophes, I'll graduate from college. I'll live alone for the first time, and I'll take advantage of that to the fullest. I'll spend a good part of it abroad, and hopefully I'll master one language, perfect another, and start yet another. I'll stop calling myself a writer, and actually write.

I know I'll make mistakes. There will be things I look back on that will make me cringe. But that's okay. 2011 will be a good year; I will make it so.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

R.I.P. Angel

I don't really know what to say here.
We had to put my cat to sleep earlier today. She's been very sick, beyond help.
But she was 14 years old; she lived a good life.

A comfortable life.
Hell, more than comfortable. She was the queen of our lives.
Angel dictated everything and anything that went on in our house.

Once, my parents even returned a bedspread because she didn't like it.

It feels like our little kingdom is without it's queen now.
I miss her sassiness more than anything.
That's the perfect word for her.

Rest in Peace, sweetheart.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Merry Christmas... late as always.

As always, I'm a few days late.
But I had to go through these and edit them.
As well as finally acquire some internet access.
Since we're in the middle of moving
(I know... AGAIN. And, and BACK to DFW. I KNOW.)
and our current temp apartment doesn't have internet.My cousin, Emily, with their adorable new puppy. It was like a giant ball of fluff.

Merry (belated) Christmas from my family to yours. :)

Did you guys all have a wonderful Christmas? And for my non-Christian friends, did you have a wonderful Saturday? :) How many of you are caught in the blizzard?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Declaration of Womanhood

I hold these truths to be obvious (as well as somewhat bitchy, and only kind of satirical) that all Women are human, that sometimes Women cannot be perfect. That it is the right of Women to occasionally lose their shit, that though they try their best to "do it all," it is their privilege, their duty, to stand up and protest when the expectations of Society and The Media have become too much.

Article One: I am a real woman. I do not have the body of an adolescent boy; I'm not all straight lines and no hips. I'm healthy and I have curves. Learn to like them or try dating other men.

Article Two: Me saying, "I want to be single," does NOT translate to, "Try harder." It also doesn't mean, "Buy me something," or, "Express your undying love for me." Sometimes though, it does mean GTFO.

Article Three: I fart sometimes. I also burp, sneeze, bleed, and cough. Sometimes I even poop. I'm not made from some combination of fairy dust and porcelain skin that exempts me from all that. They're all natural bodily functions. Get over it.

Article Four: "No," does not mean, "Yes."

Article Five: I am not your damsel in distress. I do not need you to ride in on your white horse and "save" me. I can handle my own shit, and if I can't, I'll ask for help.

We, therefore, in appealing to Common Sense, do declare that we are not some superhuman being that can do everything and anything, be everything and anything, and still show up for dinner looking like we just stepped out of a Victoria's Secret catalogue; that we are absolved from the more inane expectations of The Media and Society, and anyone who tries to tell us otherwise is going to get punched in the face.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

the most productive insomnia of my life.

It is 2:20am as I write this. I've been up since 9am yesterday morning. But I'm not tired because WEEEEE INSOMNIA.

I will hate myself for not taking sleeping pills tomorrow, but for now I'm okay with that because this has been the most productive insomnia ever ever ever.

Normally, I'm not at all productive this late at night. I don't do anything but sit around and cry on facebook about how I'm so tired but can't sleep. HELPFUL, I KNOW. But tonight, GLORIOUS TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS, I have finished packing up for my impending move in a few weeks, uploaded 100+ photos to my flickr account, did some actual writing not at all connected to this blog post, decided what to get people for Christmas, cooked a *big girl* meal, researched a camera lens I really want like whoa, did some research for my trip to China next summer and began filling out an application for that, and danced around like a lunatic to good music.


I'm not sure who the hell this new productive Valorie is, but I'm a fan of her. SHE GETS SHIT DONE. SHE HAS HER ACT TOGETHER. HOW LONG DO YOU THINK I CAN TYPE IN CAPS BEFORE I JINX IT?

Also, this new productive Valorie started a tumblr recently, Inspiration Everlasting. It's where I (and productive Valorie -- we might be two different people, it's still up in the air) just blog anything seen/heard/noticed that inspires me, that I think is beautiful, that makes me smile. I'd love to connect with any of you who have a tumblr there too, so hit me up on that link and please feel free to submit anything you see that inspires you! :)

By the way, I just want to say how awesome you guys are. Y'all's support these past few post, especially for ones like The Nouns, which became y'all's favorite post over night apparently, has really been great for me to see with how stressful life has been recently. So, you know, you guys rock and yay. Thanks. BUT ENOUGH WITH THE MUSHY.

I was going to try to leave you with photos from Rock the Republic (which is most of what I uploaded to flickr tonight and you should TOTALLY check out --> here <-- but Blogger seems to not feel like uploading pictures consistently. Is anyone else having that problem? I may try again tomorrow, so check back. :)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The One About Sprinklers

I know what you're thinking. She's blogging about sprinklers? What the fuck? Things are really going downhill around here.

It's okay. I'm kind of thinking that too. It's like, my life has gotten to the point where sprinklers have to actually be a legitimate subject on my blog. How pathetic am I?

Okay, but here's what happened. A certain amount of time ago, a few friends and I were out at a dance hall in town. Just the girls, hanging out. Being single and awesome. You know. We'd been asked to dance a few times, no big deal. That is, until one of the guys becametotally fixated on me, which was okay for about FIVE SECONDS, which is about how long it took him to start talking to me about sprinklers.

SPRINKLERS, PEOPLE. THIS WAS HIS FLIRTING. HE TALKED TO ME ABOUT SPRINKLERS FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. Did you know there's like five different types of sprinkler systems frequently used in America? No? Really? Is it because you DON'T CARE KIND OF LIKE ME?

I don't want this to turn into a dating advice blog. Lord knows I'm pretty much the least qualified person to be giving dating advice anyway. But, at the risk of giving bad advice, I will say this:


I don't care if that means coming up with a list of topics to talk about and reviewing it occasionally. I don't care if that means practicing lines in the mirror before going out. I don't care if that even means trying them out on your friends for feedback. Do whatever you have to, because if you find yourself talking to a girl about SPRINKLERS for any period of time and you're NOT talking about getting in swim suits and playing in the sprinklers, nor are you the guy who came to fix her sprinklers, then you are not getting her number at the end of that conversation, my friend.

So, you know, there's my most recent horrifyingly awkward dating story. For the record, I DID try to change the subject, several times. I tried bringing my friends into the conversation. I also tried simply WALKING AWAY. Nothing would deter this guy!

PROTIP, boys: If a girl just GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY FROM YOU while you're in the middle of a sentence, that's probably a sign that you should just give up. Just saying.

And now you should tell me your horrifying dating stories in the comments so I stop wondering if I'm the only one that attracts these crazies. Ready go.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Nouns.

{I don't honestly know whose this is. But it isn't mine.}

I've gotten to the stage after a break-up where I flirt with basically everything that moves. Well, and is male. Mostly. Anyway, this is a dangerous stage for me. Because I inevitably end up meeting (or just noticing) someone really cool and deciding I'm totally ready to be in a relationship again BUT I'M REALLY NOT THIS TIME.

And even though there are about five really cute and/or sweet guys in my life right now, I'm just going to keep screaming that in my head. And at y'all. Because they don't listen. Get excited.

So instead of texting them, I'm going to sit here and admit that I've gotten to a point in my life where there are some things I just won't compromise on. I've dated enough good guys (and more than enough bad ones) that my standards are high now. Come join me up here, won't you? And so, I present:

Nouns I Promise Not to Put Up With Anymore
{This list has been inspired by this post by The Frenemy. And yes, I did also agree to the Manifesto.}
  • Anyone who doesn't think Friends is awesome.
  • The guy that jokes about rape.
  • One word text messages.
  • Broken promises.
  • The inability to understand that I like to be alone sometimes.
  • Anyone who doesn't like my friends or family.
  • Anyone who thinks depression is something you can just "get over."
  • Lies.
  • Stupid dating games.
  • Slackers with no ambition.
  • Guys that have slept with more girls than they are old.
  • Someone whose feelings toward me I just kind of have to guess/assume instead of KNOW.
  • The is-this-a-date-or-are-we-just-hanging-out moment.
  • Someone who doesn't like to read.
  • Skinny jeans on men. [Amended on 12. 11. 2010 -- some guys totally can pull this look off. Yum.]
  • Guys who preach to me.
  • Email ask-outs. CALL ME, YOU WIMP.
  • Anyone who doesn't find me impressive.
  • The guy that isn't okay with me having more boys who are friends than girls who are friends.
  • Clingy guys.
  • Guys that don't like to cuddle.
  • People that party more nights of the week than they don't.
  • The guy that thinks he knows what's best for me. I am a grown ass woman, I can take care of myself.
  • Someone who makes me feel like I need to act differently around him.
  • Jealous boys.
  • Anyone that doesn't want to live loudly and voraciously.
  • Someone who uses a pet name more than my real name.
  • Guilt trips.
  • The guy that I'm only interested in because he has a job and seems relatively stable and healthy.
  • Bad tippers.
  • The guy that has to act totally macho in front of his friends. The DudeBro.
  • Anyone who doesn't think I. Fucking. Rock.
  • The guy that's still in love with/hung up on his ex.
  • Anyone that doesn't get my humor.
  • Guys named Alex. (Sorry.)
  • Someone who won't be up front and honest with me.
  • Rude boys.
  • The straight up refusal to dance. Ever.
  • Somebody who isn't as excited about me as I am about him.
  • Guys with no fashion sense whatsoever.
  • Someone who thinks Texas is the best thing to happen to the planet ever and never wants to leave ever ever. Like, what?
  • Boring people.
  • Guys that do not stop calling me "Val," no matter how many times I say not to.
So, a deal: In return for these things, I promise not to settle or be a crazy bitch. Well, 99% of the time. And yes, I totally get that I'm probably going to end up dying alone, but I'm okay with that at this point.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Goals. And Other Things That Are Really Cute But Apparently Useless To Me.


Yeah, about that.

"I'm going to spend my days writing instead of wasting them doing useless things (I'm looking at you, facebook). My goal is to have a novel finished being written by September 1. I'll revise, revise, revise starting the 2nd. I'll take the next step (finding an agent, publisher, etc.) by December 1." [from this post.]

Hahahaha. That's cute. Tomorrow is December 1. I have not finished the novel I was talking about then. I haven't touched it since roughly September 15th. Whoop?

I'd like to make excuses -- School was overwhelming! Boy troubles! Depression! Illness! Waaah! But, really, as true as those are, I don't want to use them. I should have dedicated more time. I should have been better about it. If this is something I really so desperately want, which it is, then I should be accountable to that dream.

So, this is me being accountable to that dream. I'm doing my own NaNoWriMo, except in December because... Well because December starts tomorrow and I'm sick of waiting, dammit. I will start with a whole new idea from scratch (which means I need to come up with a whole new idea sometime before midnight), and put the novel I talked about in August on hold so I can look at it with fresh (ahem, fresher) eyes in a month.

Excuse me, I have work to do. :)

P.S. Did any of you participate in NaNoWriMo this year? How did it go for you? Did you finish? Did you "win?" Is it going to be the next Water for Elephants?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Today, I...


I miss Sweet Eugene's coffee.
I miss playing with puppies.
I miss watching reruns of Inuyasha late at night.
I miss walks in the park.
I miss laughing at nothing.
I miss tickle fights.

I think I'm starting to feel a little better.
I think journaling daily is helping a lot.
I think I'm starting to remember how to smile.
I think I actually might like being single.
I think I may still need medication.
I think getting a puppy may be in my future.

I am thankful classes are already done for the week.
I am thankful that I get to spend this weekend with my family.
I am thankful for friends that make sure I get out of the house.
I am thankful my parents are moving back to DFW.
I am thankful for blue skies.
I am thankful for supportive readers that encourage me almost every day. <3

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Darkness

I sat staring at this blank screen for about an hour. I didn't know where to start. I knew this was something that needed to be put into words -- not as a cry for help but as a moment to be truly honest about something that I normally hide from everyone, but I didn't know how to say it.

The fact of the matter is that I've probably had Seasonal Affective Disorder since middle school. Or maybe it's Major Depressive Disorder. It's never really been cleared up. I've had bouts of depression during spring/summer, but it's always been worse during the winter months, when I feel like everything around me is dying.

That's how I feel right now. Like I'm dying. More specifically, I kind of feel like I'm drowning. Like I can't breathe correctly. Like I'm swimming against a very strong current, a current that is trying to drag me down to the ocean floor. You know how when you're underwater, you can't hear anything correctly? I feel like that too, like the whole world is out of tune, like there's some kind of impenetrable membrane separating me from everyone else.

Perhaps I should say here that I'm not suicidal. At all. I want desperately to run away because I feel trapped in this town, or perhaps just trapped in my own head, but I know that I'll be okay again and that makes this bearable now.

This is the worst I've ever felt though. It's like I can't function properly. My heart and mind physically hurt, like every heart beat and every thought is a physical exertion that I just won't be able to complete again. I'm exhausted constantly. My whole body aches. I've been sick for weeks now. I can't sleep for days at a time, and when I finally do sleep getting out of bed is a multiple hour long argument that often includes me crying at some point. In fact, I cry for no reason these days; I'm crying as I type this just because I'm thinking about crying. I feel like I'm losing my mind and there's nothing I can do from teetering on the edge of total collapse as the walls close in around me.

And yet, I have no desire to be on medication. It's partly from a pride stance, but it's also because I don't want something that will "even out" my mood. I still have good days. In fact, I have days where I feel like I'm flying, like I'm unstoppable, like the world could not be more wonderful. I've had a day like that this week. I remember how to laugh on those days. And I don't want the meds to take those days away because if I can't fall asleep hoping the next time I wake up will be one of those days, I might actually lose my shit all together.

But nights like tonight, when it takes all my willpower to not just curl up on the floor of my closet and cry, or use one of my even less healthy coping mechanisms, I start to think maybe I should set my pride on the shelf along with the good days, and take something to at least make me feel like I'm going to make it to spring.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

things we never want to hear.

It's funny how once a break up becomes part of your past, you tend to forget how frustrating and gut-wrenching and just utterly maddening it can be. All you remember is the heartbreak and the sadness. Or at least, that's all I ever remember.

But right now, I'm in the middle of the anger and if I don't say something about it, I'm going to lose my mind. It's this one line he said:

I always thought you were too good for me.

No. Just no. When you find someone who is "too good" for you, you do anything you can to hold on to him/her until you can't any longer. You do anything you can to keep him/her in your life. You don't push them away until they feel utterly worthless to you. You just don't.

Please, don't lie to me.

I really could have lived without hearing that. I would have preferred to be told almost anything else. Hell, I think I would have preferred he agreed with me when I said I felt like he never thought I was good enough for him.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one that went through this during a break up, so I asked people on twitter to tell me the line they hate to hear most in a breakup, the one sentence they could live without. This is what they came up with:

It's not you, it's me. -@kcessna
God told me we can't be together. -@kcessna
Here's your ring back. -@desa155
There's things in my life I want to do that don't include you. -@desa155
You'll be better off without me. -@anglin12
We can still hang out. -@anglin12
I still love you. -@anglin12
Things are different than they were at the beginning. -@TrevinoJake
I can't let feelings get in the way of this decision... I want a divorce. -@bfdchris
I found someone else. -@kevinized100
You're a great guy, more than any woman could ask for, just not what I need. -@sejose24

I have to thank these people for being so kind as to share those memories with me. Especially since some of them shared their frustration with the line too. I wish there was something we could do or say to counteract the anger, to make it better. Even if that meant just forgetting. Especially when it just feels like a downright lie, or is completely offensive.

What he said is reverberating through my head. I have turned the line over and examined it a hundred times and it never gets any better. I can't wait until the day when I'm over this.

Thank you to all who have reached out to me and assured me that that day will come. <33 I appreciate you guys more than I know how to express.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Confession is defined as an admission of misdeeds or faults. (You know, according to Google. And we all know how right Google always is.) Well, this is my confession:

I have no idea how to be completely single. Since the seventh grade, I have not been completely single for more than a month. There were times in high school and college where nominally I was, as in we weren't "exclusive" or whatever. But I really don't think I've ever not been involved with someone.

I have no idea how to be alone.

I am completely 100% single rightthissecond and I want to stay that way. I want to meet this single Valorie, this girl who I've never even seen. I'm a little sad that I didn't get to meet her as a teenager, but I assume she'd be cool as a twenty-something too.

Because, let's face it: I need to learn how to be alone.

Right this second, being completely 100% uninvolved with anyone is involving a lot of running, a lot of crying, and listening to "You Start Over Your Way" by Randy Rogers Band on repeat. However, I'm sure this isn't all being single includes. But I'm so used to jumping into another fling or relationship right after this part that I don't know what comes next.

So, confession: I still have a lot to learn.

edit, later: My cousin tweeted this today and I just had to quote it: Single isn't a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others. Needed that today.

This post was brought to you in part by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

mental health day.


Lately, I've been feeling exhausted all the time. Sick absolutely constantly. I've gotten to a point where I'm half-assing everything because I just don't care anymore. I'm totally burned out on everything. Dropping everything and driving somewhere else is looking more and more appealing.

So, I took a mental health day. Other than go to class, I didn't let myself do anything I didn't want to all day. I made sure today was about me and my needs. Because without that, I was going to entirely lose my mind. So, all I did all day was:

Journal for more than an hour.
It's amazing how many things you can discover about yourself during a free write.

Read some JD Salinger.
The Glass family has a tendency to make me feel alive again.

Lay in the grass and feel the ground beneath me.
It was the first time I felt stable and entirely solid in weeks.

Eat waffles for breakfast, poptarts for lunch, and pudding for dinner.
Yes, comfort food. Yes, entirely comforting. No, I don't regret it.

Read over writing I haven't touched in months and gotten back in touch with characters.
I missed spending at least an hour a day writing. I need that back in my life.

Turned off my phone and went to bed at six.
I needed sleep so desperately. I feel like I can physically see things more clearly now.

Watched about three hours straight of Friends.
Like the Glass family, those six remind me that we are alive and real.

I think I'll do it all again tomorrow.

What do you guys do on your mental health days?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sometimes, Right Now


Here's a little something you should know about International Studies majors: We're always planning trips and dying to go abroad and talking about how the second we graduate we're going to move to another country and work for a non-profit or the UN or be an ambassador or do something for the State Department.

I'm told it's inspiring. I'm told we're some of the most liberal and idealistic people on this campus. I'm told our dreams are impressive.

I'm also told we're really hard people to date.

In a school where dating is almost always geared toward marriage, Aggies at some point developed a mentality of 'why bother?' if we know it's not going anywhere. Which has its merits, I'm sure. It means though that people find it hard to commit to someone who is constantly on the verge of escape, that will never stay but will always leave.

And I totally get this. I don't want to get too involved knowing that I'm leaving for China for three months next summer and that December of '11, I'm embarking on some insane world trip which I don't plan on returning from until Fall '12. I don't want to risk wanting to stay when all I've ever really wanted was to leave.

If I'm being honest, I'm okay with being single. I enjoy my freedoms right now. I like being independent, I like not owing anyone anything. I like being on my own. I like that I don't feel as grounded, that I could take off whenever, that I could fly.

But if I'm being really honest, I have to admit that there are things I miss about being stable, about having a boyfriend.

I miss knowing that I definitely had something to do on Friday or Saturday night.

I miss going to scary movies and having a hand to hold.

I miss having someone who would be there to take care of me if I was sick.

I miss sharing secrets late at night under the stars.

I miss sit-down meals and date nights.

I miss being able to depend on someone.

I miss getting flowers and laughing over little inside jokes.

I miss not playing games and not dealing with the hook up culture.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

How to get your Big Girl Badge

aka In Which I'm Not So Much an Adult as I am Just a Really Tall Child. Except Not Really Because I'm Only 5'3".

Every once I'll find myself thinking, "Look at me! I do grown up things now! I'm an adult! Weeeee!" and then I realize that by using exclusively exclamation points and still saying "Weeeee!" I'm really not qualified for my Real Life Adult stamp yet. But I have gotten my Big Girl Badge, and this is how:

Things my room mate does: Cook chicken pesto pizza for dinner.
Things I do: Cook macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs for dinner.

Things my room mate does: Wear business attire to her Real Adult Job.
Things I do: Quit my job because it's boring and I want more time to sleep in the mornings.

Things my room mate does: Pay rent on time.
Things I do: Forget that I don't get to live here for free. Frequently. EVERY MONTH.

Things my room mate does: Take her MCAT and prepare to graduate next May.
Things I do: Have to look up what MCAT stands for and consider dropping out of college for a semester.

Things my room mate does: Eat a well-balanced breakfast every morning.
Things I do: Forget every morning that I'm lactose intolerant and have milk with my cocoa puffs.

Things my room mate does: Put on makeup in a way that makes her look super professional and cute.
Things I do: Somehow make it to 20 and STILL not know how to put on eyeliner correctly.

Things my room mate does: Take her essential vitamins every day.
Things I do: Take my fruit-flavored chewy vitamins every day.

Things my room mate does: Sit right next to me and study for her test tomorrow.
Things I do: Write this blog post and wish there were little kids trick-or-treating in our neighborhood to distract me further. Also, CANDY. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE......


Monday, October 25, 2010

emails to remind me that heartbreak is a universal thing, and that best friends are our soulmates.

From: Me
To: Cyndi

He told me he loved me. That's why this is upsetting me so much. He told me he loved me one night when I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up because he was stroking my hair and he whispered it in my ear because he thought I was still asleep. He's the first really good guy who has loved me who I actually had feelings for back (since the high school version of Mr. Man; let's face it, Mr. Man kind of sucks now). He's the first guy that ever shared my political views, that would drop everything and travel if he could, that opened doors for me, that gave me his jacket when I was cold, that wanted to do mundane things with me like go grocery shopping just because he got to be with me, that would rub my back without me asking, and that not only took my dark past in stride but let me hear about his secrets too. He was the Northeastern blonde-haired blue-eyed boy that I've always thought I'd end up marrying (you know, if Rupert Grint was unavailable). He said 'coffee' with that cute Yankee accent and literally gave me goosebumps and made me weak-kneed when he kissed me. Do you know he's actually the first guy that used the word 'beautiful' to describe me? And 'sexy.' No one else has either called me those things -- I get 'pretty,' or 'hot,' but never 'Beautiful.' And yet we could still totally geek out and watch old reruns of Inuyasha together and study together somewhat diligently and fall asleep on the couch cuddling.

I know I said I was going to be careful, that I'd guard myself, that I wouldn't fall for this one. But fuck, by the time I said that I was already way over my head. And I would really desperately like to hate him, but that truth of the matter is that if he knocked on my door rightthissecond and said it was a mistake, that he loves me, that he hates himself, I'd probably take him back. And I really just hate myself for that.

And I totally know this is normal and that every one goes through this and that even though I think right now that he's over me and that I'll never be over him and that my life is over, it's not. So you don't need to remind me. I know I'll be okay. I'm just going to buy some hair dye and some ice cream and I'll be okay soon. But right now, I really need someone else to hate him too, so even though you met him for about five seconds, and know nothing about him, I really need you to tell me that you hate him too.

From: Cyndi
To: Me

1. I read all of this.
2. Hate is a strong word and I refuse to apply it to a singular person. Inanimate objects, sure. People by themselves, no.

But I'll say I hate boys like him.

Boys like him, and like Z. Those boys who are so ridiculously good to you, you initially start out scared for how things'll turn out, because it can't be true. So you edge off a bit, then fall in like Alice through the rabbit hole. And things are seemingly perfect because he seems like the closest you'll ever find to a soul mate because you have the same taste in music, have the same weird habits and can have debates about stupid things like typography. Because he said all those things you've been dying to hear and kissed away every insecurity and instance of self doubt.

But the moment it all ends they leave you in this state of self-loathing. Of wondering why you can't hold on to the only thing you thought was worthwhile in your life and the only person you thought would love you that way. And you live with replayed silly memories as well as the instant that you knew things were over. And you know you'd take him back no matter what. Because lets face it, in my case, Z has been beyond douche, and I'd like to think I wouldn't, but if he so much as skyped me right now being like "I miss you, lets give us another chance, etc." I'd be down for it in a heart beat.

And you know what. It's not normal. Everyone goes through it yes, but its not normal. Because no one should have to feel like this. No one deserves it. No one can act like (or should act like and claim) that this is normal or that you'll ever be okay again. Because you won't be. No matter how subtly this'll change you in some way. And how can that be okay? You'll recover. That's a sure thing. But you've also lost something.

Yes. I hate boys like him. That's the aspect that's ok to hate. I hate them with every fiber in my being and every tear that I shed and every breath and beat that courses through me.

From: Me
To: Cyndi

You're right. I don't hate him. I never could, even if I wanted to. Even if I was okay with hating another human being. But the fact of the matter is that he is another real life person with a thoughts and feelings and a heart beat, a heart beat that once lulled me to sleep and convinced me that everything would be okay, that it was finally safe to be truly happy. And if nothing else, I'll always care deeply about the idyllic few weeks we had before the real world came in and reminded us that nothing is perfect, that happiness is followed by sorrow, and that love is fleeting.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Rock The Republic

Just a little iPhone shot to show you what I'm doing this weekend. I work for the Maroon Weekly now and I'll be at Rock the Republic, a music fest in Bryan, TX all weekend. If you're there, find me in my Maroon Weekly shirt and say hi! :)

Sunday, October 17, 2010



"I have no advice for anybody; except to, you know, be awake enough to see where you are at any given time, and how that is beautiful, and has poetry inside. Even the places you hate."

-Jeff Buckley-

Thanks, Nicole. :)

Friday, October 15, 2010

weekend plans.


Find a Halloween costume.

Get some sleep.

Take a bubble bath.


Read something not school related.

Catch up with my friends.

Play with a puppy.


Be outside.

What are your plans for this weekend?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

things that make me smile.

I could be upset right now if I really wanted -- Mr. Man and I broke up, summer is going away and Texas seems to be skipping right to winter, school is stressful, one of my teachers is an ass -- but there are just too many things to smile about.

Old reruns of Pinky and the Brain.
Meeting an online friend in real life.
Planning to meet another some time soon.
Walking my friend's dogs with him in cool weather.
Feeling like the universe is giving me each day as a personal gift.
Knowing I'll be seeing my cousin in Dallas this weekend.
Having friends that remind me they love me every day.
Donating money to a nonprofit I barely even knew existed. (Thanks, Olivia Rae!)
Knowing that people like the guys doing Pedal for Prevention exist.
Starting my Wreck This Journal.
Getting a photography internship with a local newspaper.
Laughing, a lot.
Eating whatever the hell I want.
Teaching a little girl how to read.
Considering a new tattoo.
Finding some new pen pals.
Joining campus organizations that are doing something good for the world.
Living life loudly and voraciously.
This one week of fall weather Texas is giving us.
Feeling healthy enough to go running again.
Reading inspiring blogs.

What are you guys smiling about these days?