Thursday, December 23, 2010

Declaration of Womanhood

I hold these truths to be obvious (as well as somewhat bitchy, and only kind of satirical) that all Women are human, that sometimes Women cannot be perfect. That it is the right of Women to occasionally lose their shit, that though they try their best to "do it all," it is their privilege, their duty, to stand up and protest when the expectations of Society and The Media have become too much.

Article One: I am a real woman. I do not have the body of an adolescent boy; I'm not all straight lines and no hips. I'm healthy and I have curves. Learn to like them or try dating other men.

Article Two: Me saying, "I want to be single," does NOT translate to, "Try harder." It also doesn't mean, "Buy me something," or, "Express your undying love for me." Sometimes though, it does mean GTFO.

Article Three: I fart sometimes. I also burp, sneeze, bleed, and cough. Sometimes I even poop. I'm not made from some combination of fairy dust and porcelain skin that exempts me from all that. They're all natural bodily functions. Get over it.

Article Four: "No," does not mean, "Yes."

Article Five: I am not your damsel in distress. I do not need you to ride in on your white horse and "save" me. I can handle my own shit, and if I can't, I'll ask for help.

We, therefore, in appealing to Common Sense, do declare that we are not some superhuman being that can do everything and anything, be everything and anything, and still show up for dinner looking like we just stepped out of a Victoria's Secret catalogue; that we are absolved from the more inane expectations of The Media and Society, and anyone who tries to tell us otherwise is going to get punched in the face.


  1. amen sister. amen. :)

    i'm reminded of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

    I run a house, I raise three children, oh oh oh, but lucky for me i have you to tie my shoes!

  2. Oh, Valorie, we may not know each other, but can I please be forward and say that I think I love you?

    I laughed so hard while reading this, and I love how true it is. Absolutely love your blog.


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