The Nouns.

{I don't honestly know whose this is. But it isn't mine.}

I've gotten to the stage after a break-up where I flirt with basically everything that moves. Well, and is male. Mostly. Anyway, this is a dangerous stage for me. Because I inevitably end up meeting (or just noticing) someone really cool and deciding I'm totally ready to be in a relationship again BUT I'M REALLY NOT THIS TIME.

And even though there are about five really cute and/or sweet guys in my life right now, I'm just going to keep screaming that in my head. And at y'all. Because they don't listen. Get excited.

So instead of texting them, I'm going to sit here and admit that I've gotten to a point in my life where there are some things I just won't compromise on. I've dated enough good guys (and more than enough bad ones) that my standards are high now. Come join me up here, won't you? And so, I present:

Nouns I Promise Not to Put Up With Anymore
{This list has been inspired by this post by The Frenemy. And yes, I did also agree to the Manifesto.}

• Anyone who doesn't think Friends is awesome.
• The DRUG DEALER.
• The guy that jokes about rape.
• One word text messages.
• Broken promises.
• The inability to understand that I like to be alone sometimes.
  
• Anyone who doesn't like my friends or family.
  
• Anyone who thinks depression is something you can just "get over."
• Lies.
  
• Stupid dating games.
• Slackers with no ambition.
• Guys that have slept with more girls than they are old.
  
• Someone whose feelings toward me I just kind of have to guess/assume instead of KNOW.
• The is-this-a-date-or-are-we-just-hanging-out moment.
• Someone who doesn't like to read.
• Skinny jeans on men. [Amended on 12. 11. 2010 -- some guys totally can pull this look off. Yum.]
  
• Guys who preach to me.
• Email ask-outs. CALL ME, YOU WIMP.
• Anyone who doesn't find me impressive.
• The guy that isn't okay with me having more boys who are friends than girls who are friends.
  
• Clingy guys.
• Guys that don't like to cuddle.
  
• People that party more nights of the week than they don't.
• The guy that thinks he knows what's best for me. I am a grown ass woman, I can take care of myself.
• Someone who makes me feel like I need to act differently around him.
• Jealous boys.
  
• Anyone that doesn't want to live loudly and voraciously.
  
• Someone who uses a pet name more than my real name.
• Guilt trips.
  
• The guy that I'm only interested in because he has a job and seems relatively stable and healthy.
  
• Bad tippers.
• The guy that has to act totally macho in front of his friends. The DudeBro.
• Anyone who doesn't think I. Fucking. Rock.
• The guy that's still in love with/hung up on his ex.
• Anyone that doesn't get my humor.
• Guys named Alex. (Sorry.)
• Someone who won't be up front and honest with me.
  
• Rude boys.
• The straight up refusal to dance. Ever.
  
• Somebody who isn't as excited about me as I am about him.
  
• Guys with no fashion sense whatsoever.
  
• Someone who thinks Texas is the best thing to happen to the planet ever and never wants to leave ever ever. Like, what?
• Boring people.
  
• Guys that do not stop calling me "Val," no matter how many times I say not to.
  
• SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T GET HOW LEGIT AND AWESOME I AM.

So, a deal: In return for these things, I promise not to settle or be a crazy bitch. Well, 99% of the time. And yes, I totally get that I'm probably going to end up dying alone, but I'm okay with that at this point.