Saturday, December 11, 2010

The One About Sprinklers

I know what you're thinking. She's blogging about sprinklers? What the fuck? Things are really going downhill around here.

It's okay. I'm kind of thinking that too. It's like, my life has gotten to the point where sprinklers have to actually be a legitimate subject on my blog. How pathetic am I?

Okay, but here's what happened. A certain amount of time ago, a few friends and I were out at a dance hall in town. Just the girls, hanging out. Being single and awesome. You know. We'd been asked to dance a few times, no big deal. That is, until one of the guys becametotally fixated on me, which was okay for about FIVE SECONDS, which is about how long it took him to start talking to me about sprinklers.

SPRINKLERS, PEOPLE. THIS WAS HIS FLIRTING. HE TALKED TO ME ABOUT SPRINKLERS FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. Did you know there's like five different types of sprinkler systems frequently used in America? No? Really? Is it because you DON'T CARE KIND OF LIKE ME?

I don't want this to turn into a dating advice blog. Lord knows I'm pretty much the least qualified person to be giving dating advice anyway. But, at the risk of giving bad advice, I will say this:


I don't care if that means coming up with a list of topics to talk about and reviewing it occasionally. I don't care if that means practicing lines in the mirror before going out. I don't care if that even means trying them out on your friends for feedback. Do whatever you have to, because if you find yourself talking to a girl about SPRINKLERS for any period of time and you're NOT talking about getting in swim suits and playing in the sprinklers, nor are you the guy who came to fix her sprinklers, then you are not getting her number at the end of that conversation, my friend.

So, you know, there's my most recent horrifyingly awkward dating story. For the record, I DID try to change the subject, several times. I tried bringing my friends into the conversation. I also tried simply WALKING AWAY. Nothing would deter this guy!

PROTIP, boys: If a girl just GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY FROM YOU while you're in the middle of a sentence, that's probably a sign that you should just give up. Just saying.

And now you should tell me your horrifying dating stories in the comments so I stop wondering if I'm the only one that attracts these crazies. Ready go.


  1. I had a guy ask me if I wanted to do his laundry... First I was thinking that the guy was just an ass, but then he started taking about getting his sheets dirty and washing them. It was seriously the weirdest and most vulgar thing I have heard. I anyone has to spend 10 minutes explaining a pick up line... they would be better finding one on Google. Laundry? Really!?

  2. I'm 5'2" and we were once at a bar where this guy who was- no kidding- at least a head shorter than me kept following me around and asking me to dance. We ended up leaving because he would not leave me alone in spite of the fact that I kept telling him, "No!" and walking away from him.

  3. I went on a double date and at the end of the night... my date still didn't remember my name, since he'd been too busy staring at my friends chest the entire time. Just like her date. Self esteem builder that was.

  4. remember that one time when I introduced you to this creeper? yeah, my bad.


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