general panic and what is quickly becoming my most often used word.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck fuck. Fucking fuck fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fucking fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fucky fuck fuck fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

HAVING NO MONEY SUCKS.

I'M SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOUR VIRGIN EYES.

BUT NOT REALLY.

p.s. After writing this, it was brought to my attention that Nicole once wrote a post eerily similar to this a long time ago. But with a different word (Vagina!) so you know, props to Nicole for being more creative than me.

In Which All The Panic Became Something Good

I don't know if you guys saw my tweets this morning, but they went something along these lines:

"It's really fun finding out that a fact you made a lot of decisions based around was wrong. #Not."

"My life has become one round of misinformed decisions after another."

"我不知道。(I don't know.)"

This is because (to make an excruciatingly long story short) I found out that learning Chinese has been a total waste of my time, career-wise, because international treaties (I want to study international law) are written in French. And while, yeah, they're translated into Chinese, that's really not the dominant language of international law and I really need to learn French to make it anywhere.

Uhm. Cool.

I panicked when I found that out. Mostly because I've wasted a year learning a really difficult language that I apparently don't need and now I'm too far into my major to switch to French. Also, I'm required to study abroad to graduate and I was already working on applications to go to China for eight months in January and yeah I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT IF I DON'T NEED TO.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Spending eight months abroad would be amazing. But... I'm very much a home-person. I need my family and my friends. I was terrified to go for that long alone. If Mr. Man could come, okay, maybe I could handle that, but 8 months without him or my family or my friends? No. NONONONONONONO.

Not if it's not worth my time, at least. And apparently, it's not.

And then there are all the other decisions I made based on the China-for-8-months-thing -- like signing a lease that only goes from May-Dec because I won't need a place Jan-Aug, but now suddenly realizing that HOLY CRAP I NEED A PLACE TO LIVE.

I talked to my mom on the phone for multiple hours about all this today. We've got it pretty much figured -- I'll keep the lease I have and just move into my own place in January instead of going to China. I'll still go to China in the summer for 10 weeks to fulfill my international requirement to graduate, but now that I'm not spending a whole semester there I'm actually going to graduate on time instead of a semester late like I was going to have to. Which is a HUGE relief.

And, and, here's the best part: Because I'm going to be here that semester, I don't *need* to take a lot of summer school like I was going to have to to make up for basically taking a hiatus (one of the issues about going abroad 8 months was I could only take 1 class while I was there, instead of 5 I would have in the US). But, if I do take 2 classes during the summer, just 2, then I can actually get my minor in psychology like I've been wanting to and STILL GRADUATE ON TIME! I love psychology and have been wanting to study it but was going to have to stay a whole 'nother semester to do so, putting me at graduating a full year late.

So, RECAP: this morning: I was a double major graduating in December 2012. Tonight, I go to sleep a double major with a minor in psych graduating in May 2012.

A Change In Direction

As you guys know, there's been drama in my life because some of my IRL friends read this blog and use it against me (to some extent). Yet, I've been hesitating to write this blog post for a long time now (read: months), mostly because I'm afraid it'll start drama of it's own. But now it's getting to the point where something's gotta give, and this is it.

I'm not ending On the Pursuit. I love this blog, and it's been a wonderful way to meet people over the past year.

However, after all the nonsense that went down with Friend and a few other instances that I haven't talked about here as much, I've become uncomfortable talking about things going on in my life now simply because of who does read this blog, I've decided that a change in direction is necessary.

As you may or may not have noticed in the past month, I haven't really blogged about anything going on below the surface, other than the accident and thinking I'm fat. But a lot has been going on, a lot that has reduced me to crying myself to sleep pretty much every night this month. I've tried to ignore all the IRL drama, and just be myself on here, regardless of what people think, but I just can't do it as long as people who read this blog will give me hell about my honest opinion about things. Which sucks, because, some of these people are my closest friends, and wonderful friends offline. So I've been needing a place to talk and be honest, so I started another blog like I've said once or twice before that I thought I should.

No, I'm not going to link up to it. The whole point is that I want to be able to talk about how I feel like one of my best friends has seemingly abandoned me for no reason, and I have no idea why, without someone I know in real life going to him/her and saying I feel this way, when, honestly, I've basically given up dealing with it. I need a place where I can go to cry, to rejoice, and to think out loud without losing a friend over it. And this just isn't that place anymore.

But, if I don't know you IRL, and you want the link, shoot me an email (check the sidebar) and I'll hook you up. Most of you guys have been so supportive and wonderful, and I hate to offend you, because it really is only a few people who are causing a hell of a lot of grief. So, please, please, don't be offended.

No, this is not an April Fool's Joke.

I love you guys. :) I'll post again soon.

On Hairtastrophes and Why Mall Massages SUCK

I mentioned in my Weekend Whoop! post that my Saturday was fun with a sprinkling of catastrophe, right?

Or should I say hairtastrophe?

It was awful. Traumatic. I mean, first, I couldn't catch a break with the whole masseur (male massageguyperson) that had no idea what he was doing and left me BRUISES that made Mr. Man wonder why I'd even bothered to let anyone give me a massage but him. AND PAY MONEY FOR IT, MAY I ADD? At least I can pay Mr. Man with a kiss and dinner, which I was going to make anyways... but I digress.

So, my back is still pretty sore from that. I'm pretty sure the man came close to dislocating my shoulder, too. ARMS DON'T BEND THAT WAY, DUDE. And the most insulting part? HE WAS WEARING DOCTORS' SCRUBS. You work in a MALL, dude. Seriously.

But then, THEN, I go to the hair salon where I've been going since I was ELEVEN, and the woman I normally go to had some emergency so they stuck me with this other random INTERN. You see where this is going. I AM A REGULAR CUSTOMER AND HAVE BEEN FOR EIGHT YEARS. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

-sigh- So, I tell her I want this cut to the left:
And I know, I KNOW, the picture isn't the most excellent quality. But you can see the length and the layering and the kind of sexy shagginess. It's pretty darn obvious! Instead, I get this bob (below). Which, while I have finally gotten to the point where I can admit it's kindofmaybe cute, IT'S MUCH SHORTER AND NOT LAYERED. (It looks like it is because I have it tucked behind my ear, but I assure you it's not.) I AM INSECURE ABOUT MY HAIR PEOPLE. I don't like it that short.

That terrible photo (in which I look angry and like I have a doublechin -- I don't) is after I restyled it. The way she styled it was poofier than I like, which made it look shorter, and also like I sort of maybe had a PERFECT SPHERE FOR A HEAD. I almost cried when I first saw it. What have I gotten myself into, I asked? I cannot tie this up in a ponytail if I'm late for class. I now look about 16. This is not okay!

I am not a fan.

Conflicted.

I REALLY need y'all's help with this.

I'm having a bit of drama in my life, and my wonderful blog here is kind of a part of it.

See, one of my friends is very much not okay with how much I talk about Mr. Man on here and on twitter. Friend wants to cut me out of his life because he is so upset about this. I told Friend that if he didn't want to hear about Mr. Man anymore, Friend should just stop reading my blog and I'd agree to not talk to him about Mr. Man. Then Friend tells me that really the problem is that he's "in love" with me and is either going to stop being friends with me or I'm going to have to stop talking about Mr. Man at all. I feel that I should be able to talk about Mr. Man however and whenever I want though. I'm not going to censor myself for one person. On top of that, he implied that if he and I were never going to be "us" he didn't want to be friends at all, and that I should have known that this was all or nothing.

This devolved into a lot of fighting, during which he admitted that every time he knows Mr. Man and I are together, he drinks until he passes out. So now I feel guilty, because even though I'm not handing him the bottle, I know how he's finding out.

I don't want to cut him out of my life, and I don't want to be cut out of his. But I'm sick of him making me feel guilty about ever having feelings for anyone else. So, my question to y'all is: Should I scale back my friendship with him, make it clear that we're not going to able to be as close as we were before, or should I end this blog and start a new anonymous blog so Friend and I can stay close and he won't be able to read it? What would y'all do?

Oh, and don't worry, you can say whatever you want. He already knows I feel this way and won't be at all surprised by this post.

Call It Vulnerability

Call it vulnerability, call it loneliness, call it depression. Call it whatever you want, but this post is all those things and a little more. It's not happy, okay? So if you need happy, go somewhere else.

I hate College Station.

There. I put it in print. I love the reputation Texas A&M has and the education I'm getting here, and I love the idea of the Aggie Ring and the traditions and being surrounded by good country folk and whatever else. I love everything about this school... except the fact that I feel like I have no one here. Cyndi is in Houston, Katie in Arizona, Travis at Tech, Mr Man in Dallas, etc...

It's not even that I don't have people I hang out with here. I have Ayla, I have the Stephanies, I have Dan. And I have that whole group that comes with Ayla and Dan and Stephanie.

Except... I really feel like they're not *my* friends, per se. Most of them. I feel like most of them are Ayla's friends and that they just put up with me. Like they know that I'm Ayla's room mate and she likes me most of the time, so they just deal with it. But if they can get away with ignoring me, they will.

It's not even that I want to move to Houston or Dallas or Arizona or wherever. I wouldn't. I'm not going to be clingy and follow my friends. I just want to go somewhere where I don't constantly feel like people are looking past me, looking for Ayla. I don't want people to only remember my name so they don't feel totally rude asking me where Stephanie or Ayla is.

I mean, I do have Ayla and Kassie and one of the Stephanies (the more level headed of the two, honestly) to count on. Except... I feel like I do Stephanie more harm than good. Her old room mate is angry with her right now over something related to me that Fephie had no control over. Until recently her best friend and I weren't speaking, and even though neither of us wanted to put her in the middle, she definitely ended up there. And Kassie's always so busy... working two jobs, super involved at her church, involved in school. She impresses me a lot, actually. We hang out when we can, but our schedules don't always align, which sucks. And Ayla... Well, I love Ayla to death. But it's hard to be friends with someone who you resent more and more because you feel like once she enters a room people stop paying attention to you.

I've haven't felt so surrounded by people and yet so very very alone since the end of my sophomore, beginning of my junior year of high school.

I've felt like this for months. Actually, no, I've felt like this the whole time I've lived here. It kind of went away because Fephie and I were hanging out multiple times a week last semester, and it's not as bad as it could be because I know I always have Mr Man waiting for me to "come back home," but I wish I didn't feel so alone when I was at school. I wish I didn't feel so invisible all the time.

I wish I could be like JD Salinger and have the courage to just be alone.

Am I or Am I Not?

Tonight, I'm irritated. And kind of offended. And kind of ready to punch people in the face.

See, here was my plan for tonight: one of my good friends from high school is in town. I got some people together, we were all going out dancing after the football game, it was going to be a good time. Then, if we weren't exhausted by two or three, maybe everyone would go home so she and I could hang or we'd all hang out and watch movies together.

Instead, no one showed up at the time agreed upon, which was a good two hours after the game ended. They asked us to wait for them, so while we did, I cooked for roomate and high school friend because we were all hungry. They didn't even have to ask, it was just done. Then, when we did go out, the place we went was totally dead, so we left before midnight, went to the apartment, and watched a movie. They all asked me to cook for them, so I did. Room mate asked me to do the dishes, so I did. They then ate all the food I made without leaving any for me.

I did all this instead of hanging out with the friend from high school, partially because she was saving her stupid drunk room from arrest (which I know was totally out of anyone's control, except maybe stupid drunk room mate), and partially because even when she got back, I was still in the kitchen.

I didn't complain about any of this. I was obviously (to myself) extremely angry, but I didn't say anything except to my friend Kassie, and not even until she was leaving and we were alone outside because, oh, by the way, I had to take the trash out too because my room mate
wouldn't. This was after she had been insinuating (aka: saying directly) all night that I never clean the apartment or do anything, which is total bullshit. I clean just as much, if not more, than she does, mostly because I KNOW mess bothers her -- I'm a naturally messy person, but out of respect for her, I keep it clean. Also: Who stayed home from the football game and cleaned the whole apartment for aforementioned high school friend? Oh right, me. The only reasons the dishes weren't done was because our water was shut off for maintenance for a while, which she knew. Who cooked before going out? Oh, me. Who didn't get to hang out with her friend that lives four hours away? Oh, me.

Who asks all our friends to do the dishes all the time? Oh, her. Who sent someone out to get her jacket from the car instead of doing it herself? Oh, her. Who was texting all her guy friends asking them to come bring her food, even though she hadn't invited them to hang out earlier? Oh, her. Who made me cook instead of just doing it for herself when they wouldn't bring her food? Oh, her. Who then neither thanked me nor left me any food after I cooked it? Oh, her.

And yet, somehow I, the one basically waiting on them all night, was getting called high maintenance and demanding. Yes, this makes perfect sense. Obviously.

Valorie
Sent from my iPhone