Thursday, January 14, 2010

Broken-Heart Letter

"Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now."--dmr

Dear Boy A,

First and foremost, I'm pretty glad that you don't know I have this blog. I talk about you a lot. Most of it is good, but this letter might not be so much.

You broke my heart. Period, end of story. But you know that already.

We were good together, in every way. People say that no one falls in love in high school, but we did, and we knew it. Everyone around us knew it. Even our parents were preparing themselves for us to get married. I never told you this, but when we went prom dress shopping my parents joked that I should just buy a white dress so I could wear it again for our wedding everyone was sure we'd have in two years. Not only that, we took our relationship seriously and actually talked about getting married after a few years of college.

And then one day... we broke up. I don't know why, to be honest. When people ask me why, I say it was because we were going off to college, or we were bored, or we needed a break, or we got in a stupid fight and were too proud to apologize.

But, none of that's true. I think part of it was that we both got cold feet. I think we realized we were 17 years old and were already with the person we thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives with and it scared us. We didn't know how to handle what everyone around us already "knew." I think the pressure was too much.

However, why isn't really what broke my heart for so long. The point was that we were apart, and that sucked. But what was even worse was what happened after.

Not speaking to me for three months? That was lame.

Dropping out of school, starting to drink and do drugs, and basically become someone that most of the people I know from high school are disappointed in because you had so much potential? That is really lame.

Becoming a total jackass though? That was entirely uncalled for. You were always sarcastic and rough around the edges, but a nice guy I still can't believe half the shit you put my through. You gave my phone number out to people, even ones you barely knew like your managers, and encouraged them to call me when they were drunk for kicks and giggles. I got a phone call about how much you missed me from another unknown person every holiday for over a year, and I could hear you giggling in the background. Do you know how hard it was to sit there, Christmas Eve, and listen to someone I didn't even know tell me that you still loved me and were on your way to my grandmother's house, when I knew that was you in the background laughing? That was beyond jacked up. I got voice mail after voice mail like that, most from people I didn't even know. When I finally got up the guts to call you and tell you to knock it off or take me out of your phone since you clearly weren't taking the let's-still-be-friends part of our break up seriously, you apologized and acted like a nice guy again, but you were just playing me, which I found out pretty quickly.

I cannot believe you told a bunch of the people I went to high school with that you were just using me the whole time we'd been together; that you cheated on me and I really meant nothing to you; that you wanted to see how long you could play the smart girl for a fool and how bad you'd break her heart after. Sometimes, in my most self-doubting moments, I believe it. I really believe I was the stupid girl that fell in love with a boy that never cared. But I know, I know, that's not true. You don't take a girl you're using for sex ring shopping and apply to all the same colleges and spend every waking minute with her. You don't stay up late to watch her sleep or talk about your future together and let her hang out alone with your mom and sister and offer to dig her car out of freak snow storms in March. You don't look at her the way you looked at me and you don't defend her against your friends the way you did for me and you don't waste a year and a half on her. I know nothing you told them was true. So why the hell would you say it?

(This post has been brought to you in part by Mama Kat's writer's workshop. Mosey on over there and see what everyone else wrote about!)


  1. Oh, I am so sorry that happened to you. I know that it was very traumatic! I am sorry for your loss! I can tell your feelings (and LOVE) for him was so strong.

  2. Wow! That is really messed up. You must be kind of glad that you aren't with him now because no one deserves to be treated like that. And you know you definitely came out on top because you're not a jerk-face. That's right. I said it! Jerk. Face.

  3. I am sorry that boy did that to you. He will have it done to him and karma is a bitch!

  4. Oh honey - that's terrible. This post reminded me SO much of me and my high school sweetheart - but he didn't take the jerkiness quite to that extreme after the breakup. But we broke up in a similar fashion and no one (including us) really knows why. The good news is, now (6 years later) we're friends again. And that feels good.

    Also, he'll grow up. He'll realize that you were both SO YOUNG, and hopefully he'll realize that you were an important part of his life for a long time.

  5. even though i don't know you personally, i'm pretty sure i'd give you a really big hug right now. unless you're not a hugger. then i might just send you a box of chocolates and whatever your idea of a good movie is. :)

    i wish i had answers as to why guys pull jerk moves when its totally unnecessary, but i got nothin' except for the plain and simple fact that they're just young. but that doesn't really mean anything.

  6. Oh, sooooo been there. I had 1 boyfriend that pretty much did exactly what you just outlined in your post and just like you I knew he was full of *bs*. I knew that what we had was real.
    I think he knew it too.

    Only by then it was entirely too late.

    Sucked to be him. Just like it sucked to be your ex when he realized it too.

  7. What a jerk! It sounds like you definitely got the good end of the deal, because now he's wasting his life on stupid things and he doesn't have you!

  8. What a painful story. I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak.

    If I could give my 2 cents: Sounds like your ex has some emotional problems and is not capable of handling relationships or break ups. If he is doing drugs to boot then that just proves the point. He is a wreck. And wrecks make for terrible long term partners. Good riddance.

    All of his post break-up harassment is just an unfortunate extension of his own pain. It has nothing to do with you, just pathetic loneliness on his part.

  9. Oh dear, that's terrible. I'm sorry that happened to you. He don't deserve you! *bear hug*

  10. Oy. No excuses. Sometimes people turn against the very thing they cherished - simply because they know they wrecked it. Sorry he made it so painful. And yes, I'm sure it *was* wonderful and genuine. Sucks when people change.


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