Really, honestly, I just want to go back to Dallas. I want to transfer to a school in the DFW area and live there surrounded by my friends and family and museums and things you do in a city and stop feeling like I’m going to break down in tears every day because I’m so miserable in this
Except I can’t transfer because I have too many hours.
Well, that’s one part of it. One part that, two parts pride – I don’t want to admit that I chose wrong when I chose A&M. I want my Aggie ring. I don’t want to run back to home with my tail tucked between my legs. I don’t want to feel like I failed. I want to have made the right choice the first time for once in my life.
Also, I refuse to take a step down in the hierarchy of good schools. A&M is a damn good school. UNT? UTArlington? Texas Women’s? Not nearly on the same level as A&M. TCU and SMU are about the same level, but they’re private and I can’t/won’t pay that much for school. Again, pride. If I were going to transfer, it better be to a hot shot school, like Rice, or Tulane, or some other Ivy League-ish school. Not that those are cheaper.
Really, what I at this actual moment want is to be happy here.
This unhappiness is something new that’s cropped up in the last six months. I don’t know what prompted it. All I know is that since December, maybe November, I’ve wanted to get the hell out of here. I used to love A&M – Aggie through and through, blah blah blah, whatever. Now I want to burn this town to the ground. (FIGURATIVELY, NOT REALLY.)
I want a niche here. I want to feel like I fit in, like I have a solid group of friends.
I want to depend less on others for my happiness.
I want some big crazy change.
I want to stop thinking that moving to California will solve all my problems.
I do want to move to California though.
I want to stop going to bed with a heavy heart and waking up with tears already in my eyes because the alarm went off. I want to stop counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until I’m back in Dallas.
I want, I want, I want.