job requirements, magical universe shenanigans, and how I'm probably turning into Phoebe Buffay

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I don't eat my hair or sing songs about malodorous cats, but the older I get, the more I identify with Phoebe Buffay (from Friends? Come on, guys). That is to say that now more than ever, I have a strong belief in putting things out there in the universe. It's more than what you give is what you get (though that's a good start). Instead I've started to notice the value of picturing what you want and making it come to life by just believing that it will.

An example: When the boyfriend and I were looking for a place to live here in DC, I immediately fell in love with the third one I saw: A reasonably priced basement apartment with a backyard, great indoor lighting, and a lot of space. He was afraid we wouldn't get it, but I was so sick of looking at apartments and wanted this one so badly that I just decided it was already ours and I stuck to that story, even when it wasn't looking to be the truth.

Spoiler alert: We live in that apartment now.

When people would ask me, "Oh, are you looking at more places?" I would say we weren't because I "knew" we were moving into this one. I had no effing way of knowing that, but I was trying to put it out there in the universe and see if it worked out.

I'm not trying to say I have magical powers (though that would be cool). It's more that once I decided that this was the apartment, I started treating everything like that. I talked with the landlords like we were already friends, establishing a good rapport with them. Other apartments I saw? I told them that I'd seen a better one that I'd probably move into, and would only consider others if they could give me a better price.

And I think that whenever you really want something, that's an important step to take. You're not just going to be handed whatever you want because you want it. I think we've all learned that by now. But really making decisions about what we want (as opposed to "yeah...I guess I want that..." thoughts) are the first step in a good action plan. Decide you want it. Picture it clearly. Tell other people you want it. All that will help you get to the last step: Make it happen. Talking about it helps you figure out what you need to do next to make it happen. And then all that's left is to do and to have.

I talked the talk, and now I walk the walk. Or, you know, something slightly less gangster sounding. And now that I have the apartment and I'm settled in, I'm talking other talks.

One is that I'm a wedding, portrait, and travel photographer. I mean, I am; I have a photography website, now I sell prints from photos I've taken around the world, and I've taken photos of people for their engagements, for their senior portraits, etc. But I haven't done a wedding *yet.* But I will soon, and I know that because I know it, just like I knew with the apartment. A bride will hire me, soon. And soon, I'll start making enough money through photography to quit my day jobs.

Until that day? I'm going to quickly find a job that can replace my current part time job (which I'll talk about in a whole other post). It will be a job that gives me some flexibility with my hours, and that will incorporate my natural creative talents. It may not be THE BEST JOB EVER, but I won't go home crying or feeling dejected most days I work. I will like the people I work with, and I will feel at least a little useful.

Are you listening, Universe? As Phoebe said, I'm putting good vibes out right now. You do your half, I'll do mine.

What are you guys asking for from the universe? Tell me about it in the comments and we can all put out good vibes for each other, and take that next step toward making it happen. *cue acoustic guitar*

Oh hey, it's almost March. That's cool.

Holy wow, guys - its almost March! And true to my list of goals for February, I've decided to offer up sponsors spots here at Simply, Valorie for the month of March. I really believe that putting up a few ads out here in the blogosphere can dramatically up your readership and your subscribers; I believe that because it has absolutely happened to me. My views per day has skyrocketed in the last few months since I started putting up a few ads, and it doesn't show any signs of slowing down.

In the spirit of transparency: The money I make doing this will go directly into me advertising on other blogs (ads for both Simply, Valorie and Valorie Clark Photography). I think everyone likes to know where their money is going right?

So here's what I've got going on:

Sponsor spotlight posts will go up on the 15th of the month (or the Monday directly following). And your ads totally don't have to be pink to go up (but if they are, props). 

Sound like something you'd be interested in? Sweet.  Get in touch with me here: valorielovely {at} gmail {dot} com.

Also? I'm always available for guest posting and writing reviews! Just email me if you're interested.

Valentine's heart shaped cakes, invincible summers, and how much of a bitch our internal voice can be

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Back in 2010, I talked a lot about the Darkness. I went through a pretty rough time back then, and even though I did again this past fall, I didn't want to talk about it as much to my friends, to my family, and to you guys.  That was a bad decision. I should have opened up. I should have made it clear how much I was hurting. I should have asked for help.

There was one person I turned to. In September, I started seeing a therapist. It was hard, because my family had always seemed like a strictly don't-need-outside-help family. But by turning to a complete stranger, I discovered something I probably never would have found out otherwise: I was not the first person in my family to see a therapist, and I won't be the last.

But those stories aren't mine to tell.

It was such a relief to know I had my family's support behind me though, because what I learned next made me realize that I needed, and still need, all the support available to me.

As my therapist got to know me, he sent me to a psychiatrist. He dropped hints for why, but it wasn't until the psychiatrist said "Do you know what Bi-Polar Disorder is?" that I realized I was being diagnosed with something significant and long-lasting.

I didn't tell anyone what they told me immediately. I needed to digest it on my own; I didn't want anyone else's opinions influencing what I thought. A couple weeks later, I started reaching out to people, but abruptly stopped again. I was told, by a well-meaning individual, to stop sharing. That this disorder was something no one else should know about me, because it would change what they thought of me.

Well, to hell with anyone who's opinion has changed. Because, frankly, this is who I've been for a long time; longer than most people have known me.

I will be honest: learning that I have Bi-Polar scared the hell out of me at first.  BUT when I thought about it, I realized it explained so much:

• The writing sprints I went on during  high school where I didn't sleep for nights in a row but instead stayed up writing then went to school the next day, not tired at all.
•  The crushing weeks at a time when I didn't want to have friends anymore and only went out because I felt obligated.
• In college, my total inability to get out of bed for anything for weeks, followed by weeks when I would not only go to class but would participate, would do all my work for the whole semester, and still find time for friends.
• My weird habit of making tons of friends and keeping up with all of them for a while, followed by pushing them all away and cutting them out by any means possible.

So, I'm not really any different now, except that I know what's going on, and I know why. Though BPD is scary (and anyone who has it knows why), it's such a relief for me to know, because now I feel like I can handle it.

In late September, I hit a low point. I came out of it by late November/early December but I knew that it would come back for me soon because of the stress of moving. I hit an up cycle in early January, and it lasted until the crushing frustration of not having a real place to live and feeling a little unwelcome in DC. After weeks of seeing ALL THE APARTMENTS, there were several days when all I had the energy to do was sit on my friend's couch, watching reruns of Bones, and eating Valentine's heart shaped cakes.

Now that I have a place to live and a little furniture to sit on, I'm doing a little better. I'm still a little lower than normal, mood-wise, but I can make myself get out of bed, and I'm not going through a box of cakes a day. My feelings are still hurt more easily than normal, and I'm incredibly sensitive to rejection: two symptoms that I know mean I'm not doing well.

But I know things will level out soon. I'll feel better as spring and then summer comes, and maybe I'll hit a manic stage where I want to DO ALL THE THINGS and GO TO ALL THE PLACES, but things will chill out again. And now that my boyfriend knows, a few of my friends know, and my family knows, there are people who can bring my attention to what's going on when I don't notice it myself.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is this: Acknowledging that something is going on is hard; seeing a therapist for the first time was hard. But it's harder to do battle on your own. Because when you have depression or bi-polar disorder, it is a battle -- it's a daily battle to not listen to the voice in your head that tells you that you're not good enough, to just give up, to withdraw or to do something stupid. It's feeling like you're stuck out in the cold alone, with only the terrible things you tell yourself when you're at your worst to keep you company.

That voice in your head is a bitch some times. And frankly, a liar.

So you need your back up. If people tell you not to tell, don't listen to them. Always tell. Tell someone what you're feeling. Even if you think they won't care. Even if you've never met them. Hell, tell me. In fact, I'd love for you to tell me, because then we can fight this together.

And if people's opinions of you change, fuck them. Chances are, this has always been part of your personality, at least a little. Don't let the fear of judgment stop you from taking care of yourself. As Albert Camus once said, "In the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer."

Find that invincible summer. And if you can't, let someone help you.

Fill in the _____ Friday - 2.17.2012

1.  The love of my life is    myself. For now. If I get married, that my change, but if I'm being honest, I love myself more right now - I think we all have to love ourselves before we can truly love someone else.

2.   Falling in love is    finding someone who loves to coddule on the couch and watch movies as much as I do .

3.  Marriage is    something I look forward to (someday), but it makes me nervous. I guess I take the idea of marriage very seriously, and I don't want to screw it up. I want to be sure, you know?

4. The longest relationship I've ever had was   all at once? A yearish. I did the on and off game for like four years with one guy, but there were such long gaps between ons and offs, it felt like several different relationships .

5. The key to a good relationship is   being open and honest with each other .

6. I feel loved when    he does something nice that I don't expect - sending me a sweet text message, buying me flowers for no reason, etc .

7.  My favorite quote about love is   ...huh. I don't actually know that I have one. Maybe Marilyn Monroe's: "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." I think that's good way to put every relationship in perspective, for everyone .

 

Did you guys link up with Lauren? If so, let me know! I want to read your blanks this weekend!

Also, if you missed it (hmm, new readers?) I promise to be back Monday Tuesday with a new REAL post actually written by me. It's been a long time coming, and while I'm nervous about unveiling it I can't wait for you to read it. So see you Tuesday! 

 

Have a great weekend. Enjoy your Monday off, Americans. :)

Guest Blogger! Miss Amanda Jill & The Windy City

Hey guys! I want to give a big thank you to everyone who helped me out by contributing as a guest blogger while I was moving, as well as all the wonderful people I've gotten to exchange emails with as they've been introduced to my blog for the first time through these great bloggers. I've enjoyed reading all the comments, and hearing about a lot of my friends' coolest adventures. So seriously, thank you. You've made this move a little less crazy and a little more fun. 

That said, I will be back starting next week. Actually, starting tomorrow with Fill in the Blank Friday, but I've got a good post coming up for you guys next Monday that I've been working on for a while - so come back to check on that. 

ANYWAY. This last guest post is written by one more fellow Aggie (I've already had Jacob and Amy) - Amanda Jill. I never got to meet her in person while at A&M because it's such a huge school, but I've enjoyed reading about her life, her take on College Station, and now her big move to Chicago. I hope you guys love her just as much. Drop her a line, why don't you? :)

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You know that song, "She's gone country?" My life is just like that, except completely opposite. I'm a twenty-two year old designer from deep in the heart of East Texas that made a journey to the big city of Chicago. Here's a sliver of how I ended up here and my thoughts thus far. enjoy! 

It was a question I had become all too familiar with. "What are you going to do after graduation?" Well, you know what, I didn't know -- I still technically don't and I've come to realize that it's okay. 

I recently graduated from Texas A&M University (as well as miss Valorie) and had no clue where my life would take me. I had gotten so tired of people asking my what my plans were. I almost made a shirt simply so I didn't have to answer that dreaded question ever, ever again. 

Well here it is guys, I graduated from a prestigious university to move to an unfamiliar city and... work at a bar. Yeah, you heard me. I moved to the big city of Chicago from the middle of nowhere, Texas just over a month ago to serve people food and beverages. I love it so far. The first couple of weeks of city life were overwhelming. I only knew a total of one person and had never even been to this city until stepping off the plane. 

What might you ask caused me to pack two suit cases and take off on a plane to a city I'd never even been to? Good question. I'm still not really sure, but I can tell you that I'm glad I did. Although I'm a college graduate living as a "struggling artist," I'm learning more than I'd ever imagined. It's times like this that matter most. When I'm 45 years old and telling my children about my life story I can't wait to tell them about my adventures in Chicagoland. 

When I'm not working at the bar, I'm freelancing from home. It's a nice balance. I get to meet new and interesting people, which is always an exciting experience, but still get to design.  

If someone asked me 6 months ago (maybe even 2 months ago) what my plans were, i'd have never  said, "Oh I'll be a graduate and working in Chicago at a local bar!" With that being said, I wouldn't change it for anything (okay that's a stretch… there are some really awesome things I might trade it for). I have no idea how long my journey in Chicago will last, but for now it's what I've come to love. If you find yourself in the city, hit me up! 

 i'm amanda jill. i'm a recent college grad from texas a&m. i'm a big design nerd and have learned to openly admit it. i love bright colors, shiny things, ampersands and straws. check out my blog and design work at www.theamandajill.com. oh and i tweet (sometimes about random, stupid things) but follow me anyway -- @theamandajill. who doesn't love new friends? plus i'm awesome. 

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Thanks again to all my guest posters. I appreciate the crazy out of you guys. :) <3

In case any of you missed them, here they all are again: Amanda from Teasingly Diverse on starting over in Tennessee; Jennifer of Chaos Wrapped in Chocolate-Covered Grins talking about her move to England; Amy, the author behind Crazy Random Happenstances talked about keeping courage in the face of hard decisions; and Jacob from La Vie Quotidienne dropped by to write about his big move to CHINA that happened YESTERDAY. Again, it was all great stuff and I love them all for it.

See you kids on Monday. :)