Tuesday, August 23, 2011

the elephant in the room. the big, graduating elephant in the room.


This is a stream-of-consciousness post. I'm sorry if at parts it doesn't make sense, but if I didn't get it out I was going to lose it. 

I'm back stateside now. [Photo blogs and more about China will come soon.]   

I'm back stateside and back to real life. The real life where I have to write my senior thesis, asap. The real life where I'm graduating from college in December, in four months. The real life where I'm supposed to be applying for jobs or grad schools. The real life where everyone expects me to have my shit together, and I don't.

I talk about this a lot. This whole not having my shit together thing. I know sometimes I think I'm really really sure; I'm like, FOR REAL REAL THIS TIME GUYS.

But now it's crunch time, and I'm NOT for real real sure. Yet, post-graduation plans are all people seem to want to talk to me about these days. And no one wants the "I'm not sure" answer. I'm sure there are hundreds of people in the same position as me being asked the same question and giving the same answer, but right now I feel like the whole world is watching me. Everyone is waiting to see if I can sink or swim, but no one seems ready to throw me a line if I need some help.

Right now, I'm just paralyzed. I'm not sinking or swimming: I'm just barely keeping my head above water. Everyone is watching and it's taking me all my will power to not close my eyes and scream at them to just leave me alone for a second so I can figure my shit out. Jesus, let me think. Please.

I feel like I have so much to prove, to everyone - to my parents, to my boyfriend, to my school, to everyone who ever wrote me a recommendation letter, to everyone who ever scoffed at me for being proud that I'm Hispanic even though I have green eyes and blonde hair, to my status as a first-generation American on one side of my family, to the UCLA legacy I haven't acted on, to the side of the family that's watching me be their first college graduate this generation, to the old bosses that said I'd go far, to my fucking next door neighbor when I was twelve who was the first person to ever call me 'brilliant' - but I don't even know what I'm trying to prove.

That's the scariest part. It's all this pressure to prove that I'm something when I don't even know what that something is. It's too much pressure, it's way too much, and I feel like I'm being set up for failure.


  1. Take a deep breath, sweetie. You have nothing to prove. For goodness sake, you are about to graduate college, you spent a summer in CHINA! Not many people can say that. You just have to breathe and keep moving forward. Let life lead you. I know that seems so vague right now, but I am speaking on experience.

  2. my advice - not that you want it but here it is - is to enjoy college for as long as you can. I had a job fall in my lap a month before graduation but honestly I would have been happy to keep working at Blue Baker as I was my senior year. I'm a year out and still have no idea what I "want to do" - and all those nay-sayers shut up eventually. (except for my grandma, but she's old & stubborn)

    remember it's your life, and whoever actually loves you will stick around and have your back.

    and I have a couch you're welcome to sleep on come December when you're poor and broke (you liberal art majors! tsk tsk!)

  3. girlfriend, i feel like you are putting this pressure on yourself. i'm not there to see how people are actually treating about this to know whether or not my assumption is correct, but i think you need to quit worrying about what everyone else is thinking and just focus on yourself. shut the window that is your life and ignore those outside voices. they are not you. they do not live your life.

    you are the one to make your decisions. and you're not going to be a failure or fall short of anything unless you let other people run your life for you. just relax a little bit. i hope writing it all down helped you put some things in perspective though. sometimes writing just makes everything better, whether you post it to blog world or not.

    life will rock. just let it :)

  4. It's easy to feel like you need to fit in to a "success box" (meet the standards taht you think people around you have for what is considered successful). If you spend to much time trying to live up to what you think other people expect of you you'll lose sight of what you expect for yourself, what you want for youself. And the kicker is that 99% of the time what you think other people expect of you is all in your head.


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