Wednesday, August 11, 2010
things I wish college would teach me but probably won't, so I'm doomed to never know. EVER.
The other night, I was at KJ's house with Cyndi and the power went out. To entertain ourselves, we started discussing shit like politics and how stupid Sarah Palin is, and also how disappointed we are in the US public education system for not teaching us things clearly vital to our lives. So, without further ado (who the hell came up with that phrase, by the way?) these were our top 6 things that we really wish college would cover because, I mean, what in the actual fuck am I going to do when I graduate and still don't understand how this shit works?
1. How to do my taxes. There are too many fucking forms and rules and it's apparently different in each state which is just really inconvenient because once I have my diploma in my hand, Texas can pretty much go fuck itself, except Dallas and Houston because they're pretty awesome. Except not always because the humidity and the 111 degree days and the GAH. Anyways, apparently I'm supposed to like file taxes next April and I just don't. Even. Know.
2. Social skills, in all situations. Things like: What to say to a cop when caught in a compromising situation. How to deal with your ex best friend dating your ex fiancé. Avoiding people efficiently. How to break up with someone without it turning into a shitfest. How to keep your dignity (and your stomach contents) during an intense interrogation. What to do if ET phones you. How to insult people in ways that don't involve "your mom," or "you are!" Throwing a good dinner party and how to politely tell people to get the fuck out at the end of the night.
3. How to dress so you don't end up on peopleofwalmart.com. Also, how to do your makeup so you don't look like a prostitute or a clown. Basic hygiene would also be good. Because like, there are some people who definitely go through life without learning that and when I'm sitting next to you in class I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR STENCH.
4. Using duct tape effectively. This is knowledge that could save your life. Maybe. I'd know for sure if I actually had acquired this information. Because I'm pretty sure duct tape can be used to close a wound. Also, to make a prom dress. And fixing basically everything. Except I don't actually know how to do any of those things, so if I'm ever stuck in the woods with a knife and duct tape and I'm injured, I'm basically fucked. So also, advanced survival skills, please.
5. Flying a plane. You know, in case both pilots faint or just freak out, or there's another hijacking, or the pilot is also the only doctor and some woman is giving birth and so they need another pilot so the original one can pull the baby out. THESE THINGS HAPPEN PEOPLE. And I for one wish I knew how to fly a plane so I could STEP THE FUCK UP. Yeah, that's right, I'LL BE THE ONE SAVING YOUR LIFE. Well, I would be, if I knew how the fuck to fly a plane!
6. What to do when the zombies rise again. I mean, I know I'm supposed to like, aim for the head, but what do I do when I run out of bullets? Or gas? Should I hotwire a car? Can someone teach me this skill, because I'm pretty sure Google won't be around during the zombie invasion. What is the optimum number of people I should travel with to protect ourselves and remain inconspicuous? How fast can zombies run, because if I need to train to outrun them, that'd be good to know in advance. And also, like, is it an airborne disease? Or genetic? Max Brooks says it's passed through bites, you know body fluid-to-body fluid contact, kind of like STDs, but let's not go there because sex with a zombie? Gross. WAIT. WAIT. If I offer to have sex with the zombie will it not eat me? Can zombies get erections? I'm tempted to say no, but Stephenie Meyer decided that vamps can have sex and impregnate people despite their TOTAL LACK OF BODY FLUIDS, so fine, fuck with folk lore. WHY DON'T I HAVE THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS YET?
So, come on, College! Life 101, please. STEP IT UP.
Also: Yes, zombie Palin. All your worst fears combined.