Wednesday, June 20, 2012

the realization that whether I got here by fate or choice doesn't matter. what matters is that I'm here.

I haven't been around much the past two weeks - the last two posts (1, 2) were pre-written and scheduled; they were thoughts pre-thought out, feelings pre-felt.  If that makes sense. Maybe it doesn't, it's 2 am as I write this after all.

It hasn't just been the blog I've been absent from; I've been absent from life a little. I've been avoiding friends, avoiding family, avoiding bonding too much with my new coworkers, avoiding being with anyone and everyone as much as I can until I figure my own shit out.

I've been so absent because I've been so angry. Those feelings that went live Monday - the frustration, the homesickness - those were real feelings that I'm still feeling, probably just as much as two weeks ago when I originally wrote them, but for different reasons now. But that's not why I'm here.

I'm here to talk about the why - I was mad at myself, as I mentioned, for having made a mistake. I perceived - correctly or not - that I had moved across the country for a relationship that didn't work out, as well as a slew of other decisions that seem questionable in hindsight. I ignored the Valorie of December 2011, who had actually made the choice to move. The one who had been excited about an internship in DC, and who was moving here for the internship, not the boy. That the boy was moving to DC too was convenient and exciting, but not planned. That the internship turned out badly was unfortunate, but not something I could have guessed.

Everyone does the best they can with the information they have, right?

I was trying to comfort myself by repeating to myself, 'It'll all work out - these things happen for a reason.' Then one day I just stopped and I wondered: "Do they happen for a reason? I mean, DO THEY?" I was angry - had fate or my own choices led me to a point in life that I was so angry about? Were those options - fate and choice - mutually exclusive?

As the few people I really talked to during that time can tell you - this was all I could think about. It was all I could talk about. I was a woman possessed - did fate lead me to DC? Were these experiences mapped by some sort of otherworldly puppeteer? OR, did my own judgement - good or bad - get me here? Do my future decisions actually change anything or am I just going to do what someone else planned for me anyway?

You know what I realized? That honestly, really truly absolutely HONESTLY: It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter if fate or choice led me here. It doesn't make these experiences less real, it doesn't change what I've learned about myself, and it doesn't change who I am going forward.

Because at the end of the day I did something. I graduated from college and I did something with my life.

What difference does it make if it was predestined? What about if it wasn't?

We only have one life. Even if you believe in reincarnation, you still only have ONE LIFE as this person, in this body. And if you spend all your time wondering if the big moments in your life are shaped by your choices or by a puppeteer's, you're going to miss the important part - the LIVING part. 

The HOW? The WHY? Those may be important questions - but don't let them consume you. The answers only matter minimally - how you got here, why, they don't matter nearly as much as the fact that you are here. Right now. Something - who cares why - may change tomorrow, so don't worry about it too much.

Do something. Just, go do something. If it was destiny, it was destiny. If it wasn't, it wasn't. It doesn't matter, as long as you just do something.


  1. Loved this post. I have a tendency to dwell on the how and why's of things. I just need to sit back and say "it's happening and that's that".

    I get homesick all the time but I always have to tell myself that I am happy where I am physically and emotionally.

    Good luck with everything :)

    <3 Jamie

  2. I've found one of the most helpful practices when I'm feeling overwhelmed by the need to DO SOMETHING yet not being sure what the big picture "something" is is to just do the next thing. Even if it's small :)

  3. Regardless of whether you're where you are because of fate or your own decisions - you are where you are. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had - leading you to where you are - and that's all you can do again in the future.


Commenting? How lovely. Please try not to talk about dead cats.