Wednesday, July 18, 2012

288 ounces of juice that changed my definition of normal. asshole juice.

Call me crazy, but I recently invested in something called the BluePrintCleanse. I know, I know, "A JUICE CLEANSE, VALORIE? WHAT THE ACTUAL?" I know, everyone said this to me. Here's why I finally did it:

I had spent months feeling lethargic and getting a little sick frequently. At first I thought it was all psychological, just reactions to all the stress and the new environment in DC, but the more I did research into the symptoms I realized it might just be my body holding on to a lot of toxins and not getting rid of them well. I was also spending a lot of time just sleepy... for no reason. I'd sleep 8 hours a night and still be tired the next day. I did a lot of reading and concluded that a fast or cleanse could help my body do a sort of 'reset' that might help end all that.

I considered going at a juice cleanse myself - I researched how much DIYing it would cost but, I realized that a) that would all be hard, and I wouldn't have the patience and I probably wouldn't make the recipes well, and that b) I would never ever actually fucking do it if I didn't have to pay someone to make me do it. I don't have the motivation to stick to it all on my own. The fact that I would pay an arm and a leg and MY WHOLE ENTIRE FACE, BASICALLY in order to do this cleanse would make me stick to it.


I'll admit it - I was nervous going into this. I was vaguely afraid my body would go into shock because I rarely eat my vegetables (sorry, Mom and Dad!). I was approximately TERRIFIED that I'd be hungry the whole time, or not have enough energy for work. But I wasn't hungry because, oh hey, you're drinking six 16 oz juices a day, plus a whole lot of water and guess what? THAT'S A LOT OF LIQUID TO PUT IN YOUR BELLY. Luckily, they mostly actually taste okay.


#1: Green juice. Basically, it smells and tastes like a liquid salad, but with notes of apple and lemon that make it a little sweet. I was afraid it would take thick and leafy, but it has a really nice thin consistency. This was the one I was most afraid of, but ended up being my second favorite (which is good because you drink it twice a day). 

#2: P.A.M.: Pineapple, apple, mint. This one was my favorite! I actually looked forward to drinking it on the second day and on the third I was sad when I was done with it. The initial taste is very fruity, kind of tropical, but it has a minty aftertaste. Of course, this one made me really cocky, so I started thinking that if all the other juices were this delicious, I was going to be the mothereffing juicing CHAMPION which, well, was false.

#3: See #1.

#4: Spicy Lemonade: Water, lemon, agave nectar, cayenne. This one is basically the lemon cayenne detox, just not 60 oz of that a day. Good, but the bite of cayenne lingered a little too long for me. I had this one at 4 pm the first day (I started around 11 am), so I expected to be STARVING by this point, but I wasn't.

#5: If you don't like the taste of beets, you will hate this. I'm just saying that up front. Turns out I don't mind the taste of beets (who knew?) so I thought it was okay. That said, I can see why Nicole said it tasted like dirt - in a way it kind of smells like soil after rain. You're so not wanting to try this right now are you?

#6: Cashew Milk. GUYS, I WAS SO EXCITED FOR THIS ONE. I mean, Nicole said it tasted a mothereffing liquid cookie. How can liquid cookie be bad?! But, I hated it. It was kind of thick and left my mouth feeling really fuzzy, which made me gag. The scheduling of this means I started trying to drink it around 10 pm the first day, thinking I'd down it and be asleep by 12:15. Turns out, THERE'S NO DOWNING THESE JUICES. On the first day, it took me so long to try to drink it that I started watching a movie to keep me company and then fell asleep before I finished it. When I woke up, I assumed that seven hours without refrigeration was too long and had to throw it out. Same happened the second day. The third day, I finally discovered that if I mixed half of it in the morning with 1/2 cup (measured) of coffee, and did the same at night, I could handle it. I have a feeling it would also taste okay as a smoothie, but I never tried that.

The sixth one was when I finally thought "WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO? I CAN'T DO THIS. ABORT, ABORT, ABORT." 

Me, day one, juice one.
Was I hungry?
Yes. Not the whole time - the first day not at all. The second day a little in the evening, and the third day just yes for the first half of the day.  That was mostly my fault though - the way the cleanse is designed you shouldn't be hungry. Calorically, it's a step down for anyone - all six juices have a combined 1070 calories, but somehow you don't feel like you're missing much. Plus, you end up drinking ALL THE WATER too, so your stomach feels comfortably full frequently. However, because I didn't once finish the cashew milk, where all the protein and fats are, I was consuming down somewhere around 850 calories, which did leave me pretty hungry at times. Again though, the whole PAID MY FACE FOR THIS made it easy not to break it.

Was it hard? 
No, but it was complicated. 16 ounces of juice is a lot of liquid and in between each juice you're supposed to drink water or herbal tea. You have to leave 1-2 hours between juices, and have to finish the day's juices at least 2 hours before going to sleep. It was also tough because I had to work all three days I was juicin', so I had a hard time sticking to the schedule perfectly.

Okay that was a ton of information; how was it and was it worth it? 
Overall, I'd say yes. I mean, I spent three days going to the restroom 2-4 times an hour which was ludicrously inconvenient, but it was worth it. I felt like I had more energy while I was drinking the juices and even exercised two of the three days I was juicin', which surprised me.

I also was in a better mood than normal the whole time, which also surprised me because I mothereffing love food and I mainline coffee so I expected to be THE FUSSIEST EVER.

I had fussy moments - I think on three separate occasions I told one of my coworkers that if I didn't have the cleanest colon ever and mothereffing laser eye vision by the end of the three days, it wasn't worth it (hint: I don't, but it was). These moments normally happened while I was making coffee or serving gelato to customers, which was the worst kind of temptation ever.

NOTE TO YOU GUYS: If you work as a barista/in the food industry, don't torture yourself by going to work while you're doing a juice cleanse.

BluePrintCleanse does send you a nice little tote and ice packs so you can take your juices to work though. :)

Even though they say it's a three day cleanse, it's actually like a week long undertaking because before the cleanse you have to cut back on coffee, alcohol, and meat, then AFTER you have to reintroduce those foods again slowly, so you know, don't make plans to go out with your friends the whole time you're on it. Unless they're juicin' too. ALL THE JUICIN'.

Starting the first night, I had the most vivid and awkward dreams ever - I'm talking WOULDN'T DETAIL THEM ON THIS BLOG awkward. Apparently that and increased creativity (which I also felt) are totally normal symptoms of doing something like this though - probably the change in chemicals and routine.

While not why I did the cleanse, it was also nice to see myself drop a few pounds. Of course, I gained back most of the weight when I started eating you know, REAL SOLID FOOD again, but I permanently lost a couple pounds during the whole week I was prepping and reintroducing foods. I'm not mad about that.

I was a little afraid that, like Andrea, I'd discover I had a terrible food allergy like gluten or sugar, but the cleanse just reinforced that 'OH HEY VALORIE STOP DRINKING MILK YOU'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT YOU DUMBASS.' So, that's fine, I guess.

Most importantly, the three days of juicing helped me to break a lot of bad food habits I have. Like I've mentioned, I've never been a healthy eater, per se - I didn't eat lots of fried foods or junk food, but I had too much bread and fatty things like Nutella in my diet and not enough fruits and vegetables. By the end of the second day (June 27th - here's PHOTO EVIDENCE) I was actually craving solid fruits and vegetables and made a list of things that sounded appealing so I'd remember them when I could have solids again. This change of diet has helped me keep some of the weight I lost during the cleanse off. It's also helping keep my mood up and making me feel like I have more energy, so that's been wonderful.

But, really, the best and worst thing about doing three days of BluePrintCleanse? It showed me how effing bad I was feeling before and how good I'm SUPPOSED to feel. It turned my sense of normal upside down and now my life will never be the same. It's probably a good thing, but for now I'm still a little angry.

Me, with my skin all glowy and pretty the day after the cleanse ended. Also, I swear I'm wearing clothes in this photo. Probably something I should never have to clarify, huh? One shoulder shirts for the win!


  1. interesting. i've always wondered if these work. good to know

    1. I had my doubts too, but they definitely work. I loved it! :)

  2. i so wish i had the self discipline for this

    1. I really didn't think I would, but it wasn't very difficult! Unfortunately, they don't ship to Germany. :(

  3. so glad you had such a good learning experience doing this! thanks for including the link to my page :)

    and good luck with real food!

  4. I'm glad you were able to stick to it! I tried doing a fruit cleanse once and failed on the first day...I have no self control haha

    <3 Jamie


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