An Open Letter About Why I Sometimes Really Hate the News

 {Source is each individual stations' website.}

I've had a cold for the past day or two, and colds make me fussy. We're talking teething toddler levels of fussy. And when I'm teething toddler levels of fussy, I hate everything with a passion and am very vocal about it. Especially the news.

And, I mean, here's the thing about the news, any news. They're all over-dramatic in ways that ARE NOT FUN. I mostly watch CNN and MSNBC (and the Daily Show and the Colbert Report), if that tells you anything, but I'm not here to bash them, or FOX, or ABC, or the Borowitz Report specifically. Mostly because the Borowitz Report is awesome and hilarious. But also because everyone is biased in their own ways, whatever. Really, I'm just here to tell all of them to get their acts together.

Dear Every News Outlet Ever,

Please stop saying that this has been the hardest winter for the US in a long time. It's not even winter yet. Check your calendar. WINTER STARTS ON DECEMBER 21ST, GUYS. Also, if you're trying to make people sit up and pay attention, saying this is the hardest fall ever is not only correct, but also more attention-grabbing because then people are like "WHOA, it's only fall and the northeast has already had a bajillion inches of snowfall?! Holy crap!"

Stop talking about how anything increases "exponentially" when you obviously have no idea what "exponentially" means. Let me help you out:

• Exponentially means something is increasing or decreasing at a rate of x multiplied by itself a designated number of times. i.e. If the temperature is rising exponentially, that means that if it started at 80 degrees, it would immediately rise to 6,400 degrees (80 times 80), then to 512,000 degrees (80 times 80 times 80)... Do you see where this is going?
• If you're going to say that the temperature in your car rises during the summer from 80 to 120 degrees Fahrenheit, a better word would be dramatically and/or quickly.

For that matter, please just learn the definition of any word you're going to say on television. This is more so you stop looking like a dumb ass than for my benefit. Promise. 

Seriously stop employing scare tactic language. I get that this economic downturn sucks, but you guys repeating daily that we're probably all going to go broke and die alone in a box if Europe's economy isn't saved isn't helping. It makes people nervous and start keeping their money under their mattress, which makes the situation worse and makes them look stupid. Also, if an economist scolds you on live national television for calling the current economic climate worse than 2008, maybe listen. He probably knows what he's talking about. I'm looking at you, Christine Romans of CNN.

For the love of God, cover real news. Yes, water-skiing squirrels are real cute, but let YouTube and the rest of the internet cover that. Also, if your prime time lead story is EVER AGAIN about the Kardashians or Jersey Shore, I'm never going to watch again (and I hope the rest of the internet doesn't either). Leave those guys to E! - that's their job. You do YOUR job and cover things that actually matter to our lives.