I've been single since mid-May, and while I've mentioned it once or twice here on the blog, I've been hesitant to talk about it much. Not because I'm just that heartbrokenOMFGI'MGONNADIE, but because I haven't been.
I've been angry and sad and disappointed. I've felt like the universe cheated me. I've felt like an idiot for investing so much in a relationship that ended.
But, mostly, I've just felt... relieved. The last few months I spent trying to reconcile the pressure of commitment and my own internal voice saying, "No. There's too much left to do."
Waking up and wondering if this - DC, politics, a home without dogs - was "it" was a giant red flag. I cared deeply about my ex, and still do, but I was having to work really hard to try to want that life for the rest of my life. I was trying to convince myself I wanted a future that I don't actually. Finally, I had to admit that being in a relationship that limited my options on where I wanted to live, how often I wanted to travel, what I wanted to say with my life made me feel really trapped.
We had our problems too - it wasn't all about my need for an option to leave. Neither of us were perfect, we both made mistakes. Some mistakes worse than others. But, really, at the end of the day, that's not what matters. It took me realizing one day that I had to stop choosing either our relationship OR my happiness.
A word of advice: If you ever find yourself in a situation where you've having to choose between your happiness and a relationship, a commitment, or a person, seriously consider picking your happiness. I know everyone says not to; that it's selfish to pick your happiness. But it's not necessarily - because if you're not happy, no one else is going to be either.
So, what does this mean for me now? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not tied to DC in any way once my lease is up in September - maybe it'll be time for a Jeep and a trip somewhere else then.
Until then? A lot of life as a single lady. I need some space for myself, to figure out who I am without someone else's expectations, needs, and wants influencing that.
Truthfully? I'm looking forward to this chapter of life -- I don't know that I've ever had this kind of space (single and halfway across the country from my family and friends) to just be myself.
I've been angry and sad and disappointed. I've felt like the universe cheated me. I've felt like an idiot for investing so much in a relationship that ended.
But, mostly, I've just felt... relieved. The last few months I spent trying to reconcile the pressure of commitment and my own internal voice saying, "No. There's too much left to do."
Waking up and wondering if this - DC, politics, a home without dogs - was "it" was a giant red flag. I cared deeply about my ex, and still do, but I was having to work really hard to try to want that life for the rest of my life. I was trying to convince myself I wanted a future that I don't actually. Finally, I had to admit that being in a relationship that limited my options on where I wanted to live, how often I wanted to travel, what I wanted to say with my life made me feel really trapped.
We had our problems too - it wasn't all about my need for an option to leave. Neither of us were perfect, we both made mistakes. Some mistakes worse than others. But, really, at the end of the day, that's not what matters. It took me realizing one day that I had to stop choosing either our relationship OR my happiness.
A word of advice: If you ever find yourself in a situation where you've having to choose between your happiness and a relationship, a commitment, or a person, seriously consider picking your happiness. I know everyone says not to; that it's selfish to pick your happiness. But it's not necessarily - because if you're not happy, no one else is going to be either.
So, what does this mean for me now? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not tied to DC in any way once my lease is up in September - maybe it'll be time for a Jeep and a trip somewhere else then.
Until then? A lot of life as a single lady. I need some space for myself, to figure out who I am without someone else's expectations, needs, and wants influencing that.
Truthfully? I'm looking forward to this chapter of life -- I don't know that I've ever had this kind of space (single and halfway across the country from my family and friends) to just be myself.
You are certainly young enough to choose happiness and I know you'll find it. Do your best to enjoy the single life!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're taking it well & learning from it! I have a million things I'd love to say over a glass of wine, but here I'll just say keep going, you're doing great & have fun making plans for the fall! (and enjoy DC to the fullest!)
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Sometimes its better to take time for yourself, and figure out what is best for you! Your blog is absolutely adorable and i love it lots!
ReplyDeleteyou go girl. that is what i have been all about for the past few months (basically since January) and I have loved it. i am myself without worrying what someone else is going to think of me. which is awesome. and totally relieving. pressure's off! :)
ReplyDeleteI've been in that position before. you can do this. And it will be an incredibly liberating time in your life. seriously. i learned so much about myself during that time. :) XO girly!
ReplyDeleteChin up, boobs out, and cheers to happiness!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI like your idea of a Jeep and a road trip. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is a gift. Enjoy just being YOU and having the freedom to do and go wherever you want. This is an exciting time in your life- live it to the fullest and figure out who YOU are without someone else... then you can be the best you WITH someone else.
ReplyDelete