Living out loud and being honest and sucking it up.

Since April I've been doing this thing where I'm not censoring myself on this blog anymore. Because, I mean, what the fuck is the point of that? It's my blog. I'll be me, you'll be you. If it doesn't work, okay.

Which is exactly what happened. I've gotten closer to people through this. A lot of you encouraged me. Encouragement made my behavior extend even further into my real life. But, there were the friends that didn't like my honesty.

I just call them people now.

Like yes, it sucks. Friend breakups are sometimes worse than romantic breakups. It doesn't matter if the ending is simply growing apart, passive-aggressive bullshit that gets swept under the rug, or an explosion of fire and OMFGIHATEYOUGODIE.

I've gone through all three. It's like... I never really know what to do, especially with the passive-aggressive. Do I try to pretend nothing happened? Do I apologize?

Then I remind myself: No. I'm an adult. If I want to get a tattoo and write a book and sleep at Mr. Man's and have a try-anything-once attitude and talk about sex, that's my prerogative. Plus, it's not like I'm being the girl that slept with 1000 men. {Sidebar: I'm not sure if that disgusts me or inspires me. STD: disgusting. Doing what you want and living life on purpose: inspiring.} I don't have to apologize for being who I am. If you don't like it, shove it don't read. Don't hang out with me.

We're adults here. We choose who we spend time with. Novel, I know. So, while it sucks that some of my friends people don't like the honest side of me, I'm sucking it up. I'm realizing that I can't please everyone, and that's okay. It is okay to be me, to live my life out loud, with purpose, and for some people to not be okay with that. It's good, even. I may ruffle some feathers, I may stir the pot, but if no one ever did that we'd never make any progress.

anniversaries.

"You will try to run and he will let you,

but he will be standing exactly where you left him
when you went ahead and lost your mind.
Not because he has nowhere else to be or because he's a pushover,
but because he understands you are worth waiting for.
And you are, not because he proved it to you,
but because he gave you the time to realize it yourself."

--Anais Escobar

RIP Precious

There really isn't a whole lot I can say about this. She's been sick. Her body was falling apart. She lost all ability to walk on her own. She could barely lift her head without shaking.

We couldn't let her live in pain anymore.

We rescued her when she was almost three years old.
She'd been abused by her previous owners and it showed.
But we were patient with her and showed her that we wouldn't hurt her and eventually she learned to trust us.
She had the most wonderful personality.
She loved to go on really long walks.
Never once did she hurt another animal.
She slept next to my bed every night.
And would lay her head in my lap every chance she got.

She was my best friend, my confidante, the love of my life.
She's been there for me for the past ten years.
I shared exactly half my life with her.
Now I'm having a hard time believing she's gone.
I miss her more than words can explain.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."
-Anatole France

Rest in peace my beautiful baby, you wonderful soul.
<33

July 21.

Dear July 21st,

Yes, I see you there on the calendar. I know, you're back again. I still hate you. You're still the worst date of the year. But you know what? I'm not letting you own me this year. I will have a good day today. You cannot bring me down.

--Valorie

birthday resolutions.

Remember when I told y'all last year about how I make resolutions every year on my birthday (instead of New Years')? Well, that whole picture-a-day thing only lasted about 100 days. I'd like to say I'm trying it again this year, but who are we kidding? I've already missed the first (and only) two days. So, this is my 20 year resolution instead. Whatcha think? :)


(Obviously, inspired by the "Keep Calm and Carry On" posters.)

keeping perspective

{via.}

I turn 20 tomorrow and to keep myself from completely freaking out, this is me writing a few things down and keeping my life in perspective; telling myself that maybe I haven't changed the world, but it's not like I've accomplished *nothing.*

I once moved someone to write a beautiful song about me.

I can give good advice about books and life.

I have given a present that made someone cry with happiness.

I am mentioned in a book that millions of people have bought and loved.

I've inspired both hatred and love in others, which means I'm my own person and doing something as opposed to nothing.

I saved ten lives, at least one of which was a child's.

I've been proposed to.

I have stood up for myself and for others.

I've been told numerous times that I give the best hugs.

I came to terms with myself and am living my own life deliberately.

I have seen more of the world than people twice, thrice my age.

I have given a child the best gift they can be given -- knowledge and a hug.

I have fallen head over heels in love, been bitter and broken hearted, put myself back together, and dived head first into soul-quenching love again.

I think that's pretty good for 20 years, don't you? Here's to another 20 years of small accomplishments that add up to big things.

Colorado.

I told y'all a long time ago that my parents are moving to Denver, right? Well they pretty much finished moving about a month ago and I finally got up there to visit them this past week. Pictures? I think so.









1. A sea turtle at the Denver Downtown Aquarium.
2. The Denver Cupcake Truck. If you're ever in town, try to catch it!
3. A bird. Have no idea what kind. Seen while hiking.
4. Fork in the road & flowers seen while hiking.
5. The top of the mountain near where they're living.
6. Flowers seen while hiking.
7. Grass. Hiking.
8. My kitty, Angel. She doesn't like having her picture taken, can you tell?
9. Taken at the Red Rocks Amphitheater.

The best part of this trip, honestly, has been spending time with my puppy. She's getting old (13) and I'm really afraid she won't be around much longer. But look at this adorable picture! She does this kind of thing all the time. Yeah, we're cute, huh?

Fill in the blank.

{via.}

So, I haven't blogged in like a week. I've been busy. I'm in Colorado with my parents and furbabies. My next post will be pictures. Get excited.

1. My favorite thing about this week has been spending time with my furbaby, Precious. She's getting old, but she's definitely still got some life in her, and that makes my heart so happy.

2. The weather this week has been cold and rainy! They say Denver has 300 days of sun a year. I call BULLSHIT. Today has been the first sunny day since I got here on Sunday. Just saying.

3. The last (interesting) item I received in the mail was a copy of the Economist magazine. Not super exciting, but I liked it.

4. The last movie I saw was the end of Constantine. I've seen it a few times before, and every time my reaction is "uhhh... WHAT?"

5. If I could be doing anything I felt like today I would be back in Dallas, hanging out with my friends. Scratch that, I'd make all my friends go to the beach and rent a cabin and we'd party and swim and get really sunburned. Yay!

6. As a teenager I was well, I'm still a teen. But since I won't be starting Tuesday (eek!) I think I can safely say I've been compulsive, a brat, and had no self-confidence, despite my brazen behavior.

7. I wish I could trade lives for the day with Mr. Man. Sometimes I can tell exactly what he's thinking, but there are times when he surprises me, even after knowing each other for six years, and I'd like to get inside his mind just for a day. Also, I want to know what he's getting me for my birthday. Surprises make me anxious!

Sometimes, our memories leave more than scars.

{via.}

Destructive torrent of memories,
Spinning, swirling, spilling over,
Subsiding, slipping away briefly,
giving me a moment's small respite,
Only to come back again,
even stronger than before.

These memories are a bomb:
It goes off every morning
and I spend the whole day
putting me back together,
but the pieces, the pieces, well,
they just don't fit quite right.

If only, if only, if only:
They'd disappear, go away
settle like the dust of bombs,
float away like flood waters.
Then, I may sleep a whole night,
a night without tears or screams.

--Valorie, 6.30.2010, 6:38 pm.

Sometimes, our memories take something away.

This is the first poem I've written since mid-2006. I used to be quite prolific with my poetry, but then I just...stopped. A lot when down the summer between my sophomore and junior year of high school, and by the end of it I couldn't put a pen to paper. I had been robbed of all inspiration, of all capability to write poems like I once did.

This poem... well, it's shitty compared to what I once could write. What I think I can write. But it's a start. It's me taking that capability back, robbing my own memories as it were, and trying to pick up where I left off in hopes that someday those memories won't be like a bomb going off every morning.

Inspired in part by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.