Confession

I want to transfer schools. There, I said it. I want to get out of College Station. I want to be at a school that I feel challenges me academically.

Really, honestly, I just want to go back to Dallas. I want to transfer to a school in the DFW area and live there surrounded by my friends and family and museums and things you do in a city and stop feeling like I’m going to break down in tears every day because I’m so miserable in this city TOWN.

Except I can’t transfer because I have too many hours.

Well, that’s one part of it. One part that, two parts pride – I don’t want to admit that I chose wrong when I chose A&M. I want my Aggie ring. I don’t want to run back to home with my tail tucked between my legs. I don’t want to feel like I failed. I want to have made the right choice the first time for once in my life.

Also, I refuse to take a step down in the hierarchy of good schools. A&M is a damn good school. UNT? UTArlington? Texas Women’s? Not nearly on the same level as A&M. TCU and SMU are about the same level, but they’re private and I can’t/won’t pay that much for school. Again, pride. If I were going to transfer, it better be to a hot shot school, like Rice, or Tulane, or some other Ivy League-ish school. Not that those are cheaper.

Really, what I at this actual moment want is to be happy here.

This unhappiness is something new that’s cropped up in the last six months. I don’t know what prompted it. All I know is that since December, maybe November, I’ve wanted to get the hell out of here. I used to love A&M – Aggie through and through, blah blah blah, whatever. Now I want to burn this town to the ground. (FIGURATIVELY, NOT REALLY.)

I want a niche here. I want to feel like I fit in, like I have a solid group of friends.

I want to depend less on others for my happiness.

I want some big crazy change.

I want to stop thinking that moving to California will solve all my problems.

I do want to move to California though.

I want to stop going to bed with a heavy heart and waking up with tears already in my eyes because the alarm went off. I want to stop counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until I’m back in Dallas.

I want, I want, I want.

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Cheer Yourself Up, Kid

I've been complaining a lot lately, so this is my attempt at being happy.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
--Jules de Gaultier

Life isn't about "finding" yourself, it's about creating yourself.

-George Bernard Shaw


"We are unusual and tragic and alive." - Dave Eggers


"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
-Jimi Hendrix


"The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."
-Benjamin Franklin


"When love is not madness, it is not love."
-Pedro Calderon de la Barca


"Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense."
-Mark Overby

Also, let's all celebrate, because this was post #200! Woooo! :) Thanks so much for reading!

Grade Disputes, Moving, and My Coffee Addiction

So, yeah, like, A&M screwed up my grades this semester. Pretty hardcore. Like, at this moment, I have an F in my oceanography class. The class that I definitely DEFINITELY got an A in. My prof didn't care enough to respond to the several two emails I sent (neither did the oceanography dept head), which was frustrating because let's talk about how an F in that class isn't helping that whole getting-my-scholarship-back thing. So I was forced to go to the school and bitch out speak with the head of the geosciences dept, who figured out the problem and is going to kind of fix it maybe, hopefully by July when my prof gets back from some research trip that apparently keeps him from having contact with the rest of the world.

I'm sorry, but no. Just no. There's NO WAY YOU ARE ANYWHERE THAT YOU CANNOT BE CONTACTED. Not in this day with the level of technology we have. NOT WHEN YOUR RESEARCH INCLUDES SATELLITE COMMUNICATIONS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Deep breath.

I moved on Saturday. It's not very exciting. But it happened. I live in a duplex now. I like it. It was a stressful move and there was definitely some tension between my old room mate and I that hasn't been/won't ever be resolved, but I've given up caring at this point. I've been avoiding talking about it here, but one day I will.

I have too much on my mind.

All that plus my sick puppy back home plus the stressful mini semester I'm taking have led to a very unhappy Valorie. And unhappy Valorie drinks lots of coffee. In the past 24 hours, I've probably had half a gallon, easy. That's insane. Combined with almost no "real" food, it's been one long stomach ache, which has really meshed real well with the stomach aches from the stress.

But to end this blog on a good note, I sent in a secret to Post Secret today. Also, I finished reading Candide, by Voltaire. Check it out if you get the chance. :)

More Social Interaction, Please

Okay, so yeah, fine, I admit it: I need social contact almost constantly. I need to be talking to someone, or at least be near someone almost all the time.

There are times when I don’t want people around of course – you know, when I’m going to the bathroom. Or in a really foul mood. Or crying hysterically. Or uh… That’s about it. And I’m even flexible on the crying thing.

Am I alone on this?

(Excuse the pun.)

It really doesn’t even need to be my friends or my family or Mr. Man 24/7. It just needs to be people. Really, honestly, we don’t even have to acknowledge each other all that much. Ordering something from a barista at Starbucks is good enough for me for a while. Hell, making eye contact is good enough.

I need a cat. Or a room mate that doesn’t hate me.

Oh God, I’m going to become that crazy cat woman that lives alone.

Plus, cats don’t like to cuddle. I like cuddling. I need cuddling. I was made to cuddle. I can only watch so much Friends or Sex and the City or dance around my room to music before I need to physically look someone in the eye or talk to them or hug them. Touch is my love language and I need someone to come home to every night that will watch TV or eat dinner or gripe about how much our lives suck as broke students with me. I realize that’s not cuddling, but I don’t cuddle with everyone. That would be weird. I mean, hello, I’m from TEXAS, we have this thing called “personal space” down here. We don’t just run around touching everyone, that’s why we all drive our own cars to work and don’t have any semblance of public transportation yet; we don’t want to have to touch people we don’t want to.

Anyways.

Maybe what I need is a puppy.

Except no, because I already have a puppy, and she’s getting really old and probably –gulp- dying, and let’s not talk about how I have cried several times since we realized she’s deaf and in a lot of pain on Sunday because I will start crying again.

It’s not even just seeing someone, or touching someone though. I just took a 30 minute break from writing this to talk on the phone to Mr. Man and already I feel less lonely. Talking to other people online, even people who I’ve never met or whose voices I’ve never even heard, is good, because it’s still a person who is talking TO me.

The funny thing is, I totally got myself into the situation that led to all this thinking and upset. I decided to stay in College Station for summer school until July 1, fully knowing that the town would be practically empty because all my friends would go home. I thought it would give me plenty of time to write and read (plus keep my job a little longer), except I have no drive to do any of that when all I want to do is cry because all I freaking want is a hug from Mr. Man.

Seriously, am I the only one that feels a physical need for hugs?

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Let's Chit Chat Some, Yes?

The break from blogging was good. And entirely necessary. Some things have changed since then, but they've changed for the better.

I still have that "secret" blog. I'm not going to use it anymore, I don't think. I don't have any plans to at least. I'm still going to hold on to it, for the sake of memories, and maybe someday I'll post the link.

I made it through another round of finals intact. School while I was gone was overwhelming. Maybe you remember me talking about how I'm not going to spend a semester in China anymore? I thought I might minor in psychology, but I'm not going to pursue that either. As much as I love psychology, it would be a waste of my time and my parents' money for me to pursue that. Instead, I'm just going to graduate early and spend the spring of 2012 (what would be my last semester) traveling or working or finishing off everything on my 101 in 1001 list.

Speaking of my 101 in 1001 list, I had to do some editing for it. Some of them weren't going to be possible and some just weren't things I wanted to do anymore. And some, like giving up technology for a day, were a combination of both of those things. I crossed stuff off though -- getting a tattoo. The heart on my foot is something I've been wanting a long time; it reminds me to walk through life with passion and to take every step with love. Corny for the win. I also, literally as I was writing this blog post, bought a new pair of TOMS. Mr. Man's puppy CHEWED my artsy pair and my white ones are falling apart (thanks, Munich), so that's exciting. And my friend Stephanie and I took a spontaneous trip to Houston to eat at the Hard Rock last week, so that's my #11. :) I'm about a fourth done!


Oh, movie recommendations! Nightmare on Elm Street is scary (see it) and The Losers is hilarious (DEFINITELY see it).

Now, I want to hear about you guys. I know a lot of you have just gotten out of school for summer and etc. What are your plans for this summer? If you're not a student, what ARE you up to?

Me Versus Who I Want to Be

I have this problem. (Well, I have two: One is that I can't spell "problem" correctly the first four times I type it. Also, "the.") It's this problem that makes me kind of cringe and worry that I'm going to freak out 20 years down the road and be the mom that up and abandons her family because she has a mid-life crisis that really probably should have been a quarter-life crisis but it wasn't because I convinced myself that everything was okay when it probably wasn't.

See, there's the me that I see evolving, or maybe has always existed. She's pretty quiet, is a worrier, keeps to herself, is pretty loyal to what friends she has, occasionally does stuff that pisses off her parents like get tattoos and piercings and basically live with her boyfriend when she's in town, but really, other than that, doesn't stray outside the lines much. She's a little obsessive, okay maybe a lot, and is definitely hurt easily. She's crazy guarded, scares easy, keeps her past a secret, and isn't big on trying new things, but kind of wishes she was more brave. In fact, her parents and boyfriend kind of worry that she is totally incapable of taking care of herself in an emergency situation. She watches movies and sometimes goes to parties and plans her future obsessively, down to the time she'll go to bed when she's 50 (all right, maybe not that extreme). She wants to be an international human rights lawyer and get married before she's 27 (all right, 25) and raise kids and live happily ever after, the end. She'll probably be a stay at home mom when her kids are born and she'll get crafty as hell and she and her husband will have sex like once a month or something, because that's boring but it fits in with all the other patterns of her life. She also oversimplifies and overexaggerates, worries a heck of a lot about her weight, and really just wants to be hugged ALL THE TIME.

And then there's the me I want to be. This kick ass woman that could beat someone up if called upon, especially if it would save her life, is loud and straightforward, enjoys drinking too much and having fun. She's impulsive and hella funny, and also really hot and totally aware of her appeal to men, like whoa. She wants to become a professional writer or photographer and wanderer a la Nicole of nicoleisbetter.com and maybe, just maybe, she'd recognize that yes, she's already fallen head over heels in love but that doesn't mean she needs to marry him tomorrow. She'd be open about the fact that she has a dark past because she knows that she could help other people by being so.

In my head, this woman would realize that she's smack in the middle of a quarter-life crisis but knows that it'll be okay because she really just wants to change the world and have an effect and figure out what that actually fucking means so she can go do it already. Also, she's not as easily hurt as I am and she depends more on herself for happiness instead of her boyfriend's love or mom's approval. She does crazy shit like quit her job that she hates and buys random plane tickets to France, because she's brave like that. She's also would have gotten over her fear of trying new things and tried pot long before I did, and she also probably would have grown a pair and told that guy that she liked through most of high school how she felt. This woman would probably get married, but not have kids because as much as she loves them, she wants to be able to move to China to work on site for a year and not have that disrupt the kids' lives. Instead, she could be the awesome aunt to all her friends' kids that spoils them and tells them exciting stories about that one time an elephant tried to kill her in Kenya (okay, that one DID happen to me, but still). She lives out loud, does epic shit, and wouldn't really need anyone, except her husband and her momma, she's totally tough and people would describe her as awesome and a vixen, whatever the hell that means. She is also the type of 20-something that instead of just blogging about her quarter-life crisis and how it's freaking her out that she is two people at once but feels like she has to pick one, she'd actually GET OFF HER ASS AND GO BE THE WOMAN SHE WANTS TO BE INSTEAD OF JUST DAYDREAMING ABOUT IT.

Aaaaaand, deep breath.

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edit:// A follow-up to this post, about one year later: Ea Alis Propriis Volat

  

It's Simple, Really

I'm back from my hiatus. :)

I've been realizing that it's the little things in life that matter.
I mean, I've always known that, you know? How many cliches tell us that, right?
But it hit me that I forgot that because of everything else that's been going on.

I resolved to be more happy during my hiatus. It's like that one Click Five song says -- There's always going to be something in your way, so what can you say? You're going to have a good day. (Those are totally not the right lyrics, I paraphrased. Deal.)
(Also, go watch the video that links to. They're awesome. You gave me music recs, now I'm giving you one. Also, they're cute. Enjoy. Thank me later.)

So, simple things. I've noticed it's these things that make me the happiest. Getting a job and making all As and being on summer break? That makes me happy. But it's the little things that make life joyful.

Like really delicious snacks.


Reading next to a pond.


Flowers.

Finally getting the tattoo I always said I would.

Lime green nail polish.
Volunteering to help a kid learn how to read.
Spending a sunny day by the pool. Spending a rainy night curled up in Mr. Man's arms and watching planes take off.
Waking up in the morning to sunlight streaming through the window.
Singing along to Avenue Q during long drives.
Laughing with my friends. Making friends through Twitter. And Blogger, too. :)

You know. Simple things.

How have you guys been?