Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Simply, Valorie Way to Make Banana Banana Bread

A lot of people (read: women who cook) post recipes to their blogs. I always kind of figured that I'm a little too broke-ridiculous-college-student-y and not nearly grown-ass-woman-housewife-cook-y to do that, but then a few days ago I had an experience that made me realize that, nope, I am not too ridiculous to talk about something I cooked because, let's face it, no one all calmly and pretentiously thinks 'oh, yes, let me just boil this salt now, mmm...' while cooking.

Instead, this is what we all really think while trying a new recipe: eff eff eff, am I doing this right?

And so here is a realistic recipe that will help you make a delicious early fall treat the way you actually think about making one:

How to make Banana Banana Bread the Simply, Valorie way:

You will need:
4 ripe bananas, mashed
1/2 cup of butter, softened
3/4 cup of brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
2 cups of flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. salt
A lot of panic
A lot more sass

Wake up in the morning - realize that those bananas you bought and told yourself you were going to eat for breakfast every morning to be healthy haven't been eaten yet. Instead, the skin is starting to turn almost black. The more it turns black, the less you want to eat them. Wonder what the hell to do.

See the recipe for banana banana bread pop up on pinterest. Think 'oh hell yes.'

Run to the grocery story. Get epically lost trying to find cinnamon. Maybe wonder if it's a bad sign that you're getting lost in a grocery store where there are signs EVERYWHERE. Start wondering if maybe this is a metaphor for your life, but then stop because -- Do you really want to pull at that thread?

Sing out loud and to yourself. Refuse to notice that you're not even wearing headphones and the song you're singing is not the one being played over the speakers in HEB.

Go home and clean your kitchen because you want it to 'nice and sparkly' before you mess it up by spilling flour an hour later.

Look for a big bowl. Realize none are clean and you have to do the dishes.

Finally, 12 hours after you decided that the bananas were a problem, mix together the butter and sugar in aforementioned big bowl until 'creamy'. Realize that 'softened' butter is not butter that has been sitting in the original packaging on the counter for five minutes. Microwave it. Burn it. Eff, eff, eff. Try again. Get it right this time.

Add everything else except the flour and mix well. Think that maybe since the recipe described the bananas as 'mashed' it would have been easier if you mashed them first. Get crap all over you trying to simultaneously mash the bananas and stir everything else together.

Once that's done, stare at the mixture. Wonder why it looks so runny. Remember that you forgot the flour. Reach for it, and somehow spill most of it on the flour. Stare at it for a second, feeling defeated.

Salvage two cups of flour from what's left in the bag. Stir that in. Pour it in a greased loaf pan, and stick in an oven heated to 350. The recipe calls for 55-60 minutes, but notice that yours is definitely done 30 minutes later. Be confused by huge misrepresentation of how long it takes to cook. Be rull glad you checked on it.

Leave on a wire rack and let cool. Except don't because you're an effing college student and don't know what a wire rack is, much less own one. Think that it sounds painful somehow though.


Or don't, because as you mentioned on pinterest, you don't even like banana bread, you're just making this for your boyfriend who does. And he's not even going to clean your kitchen for you. Rude.

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