My birthday is coming up in two weeks, which means a bunch of you lovely hos probably haven't bought me a present yet. So, I'm here to help you.
(Did I just call you lovely hos? Anyways.)
Now, I don't know what I want, because, I mean, let's face it: I NEVER KNOW WHAT I WANT EVER. We could get all deep and talk about how this applies to more than just birthday presents and extends to my whole life, but NO. We're talking about birthday presents because, well, I HAVE PRIORITIES, PEOPLE.
Since I don't know what I want though, here's a list of things NOT to get me:
1. Lip gloss. Or Chapstick of any sort. I don't wear lip gloss because my hair gets all stuck to it and then I look like a fool. Also, I lose chapstick like... I don't know what.
2. Body wash/perfume. First of all, do you guys think I smell? I have so much body wash lying around that I actually had to PUT SOME IN STORAGE, PEOPLE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW OUT OF CONTROL THIS IS?* Also, I'm way too damn picky about my perfume, so just don't waste your time and money. [This doesn't even kind of apply to lotion. I go through lotion like water. Maybe faster.]
3. Jewelry, unless you're Mr. Man, in which case: get me jewelry, love.** I'm sorry, I just feel weird getting jewelry from other people. Except bracelets. Bracelets are cool. I don't know. It's a quirk of mine. IT'S CUTE, OKAY?
4. Books. I love reading, really, I do, but, I mean, at least ask what is on my reading list first. Because like, yeah, my reading list is LITERALLY 189 books long and growing every day. I might love you forever for a Barnes and Noble gift card though.
5. Decorative pillows. Yeah, okay, they're cute and I like the ones I already have, but that's about a trillion and I never know what to do with them all because like, y'all never coordinate so they don't all match, and I only have ONE couch and ONE bed, people. This is really all your fault.
I guess whoever gets to them first can give me crayon lego men from this etsy shop. AREN'T THEY CUTE?!
Or, or, OR, the cupcakes. And that's all the help you get.
*This is mostly because some of my furniture is in storage. There's not just a storage unit with my name on it storing all my body wash. How intense would that be though?!
**You don't have to. You know, think for yourself. :)