Tuesday, May 1, 2012

a list of things I'm generally anxious about, like dying alone on the street with the dogs

This blog is a pretty positive space, over all. What can I say? I like to have fun. (Who doesn't?)

But occasionally, I get a little real, and this post is going to be one of the ones that's a little real.

So if you're one of those people who likes the internet because it makes everyone seem like they have their lives together and are wildly successful and happy ALL OF THE TIMES, this is a post you won't want to read.

Here's the thing. Today is May 1st. My internship ends on May 11th. That is ten days away AND I DON'T HAVE A LEAD.

A lead on a permanent job that is. The place where I'm interning is experiencing budget cuts (who isn't?) and can't afford to keep me on. So I'm job hunting. I'm sending out my resume and applications. Each one seems more intense than the last, and every time no one calls me back it seems more soul-crushing than the last time.

(Seriously, Every Company Ever, you don't even send thank yous that I spent time applying for your position? EMAILS ARE FREE. YOU CAN EVEN AUTOMATE THEM.)

Everyone keeps telling me, "It's just the economy. No one wants to hire. Just keep your chin up, someone will call you soon."

But in my head all I can think is, "What if it's not 'just the economy'? What if it's me? What am I doing wrong?"

And all that anxiety and all that fear is making all the other anxieties and fears sound very loud in my head. More soul-crushing than not having a hiring manager call you back (or even email, jeez), is the voice in your head that every time you hit "apply" says "Oh, why bother? You won't get this one either."

I wish I could say that I had a lesson to share within all this, but I don't. All I've got is this laundry list of other things that I'm anxious about these days and the hope that putting them in writing will at least make them seem a little smaller and free up more of my brain to work on actually applying for jobs.

My Laundry List of Legitimate Things I'm Generally Anxious About
 Not getting a real "career job."
Not even being qualified enough to be a waitress/bartender/barista should I not get a "career job."
Valorie Clark Photography failing. 
Never photographing another wedding.
Dying cold and alone on the street with the dogs. 
(I literally tell my boyfriend that this will happen to me about once a day. He's used to it.)
Not making rent.
Going into debt.
Never making enough money to travel again. 
Having to move back in with my parents. 
(I still love you, parents. Don't look at me that way.)

Here's the thing: I know that worrying about these things doesn't make it better. I know that my parents or my boyfriend will help me out if I need money for groceries next month -- they're not going to let me starve. I know that someone will hire me and that I'm actually quite qualified for the jobs I'm applying for. And, if I don't get a "career job" tomorrow, I'm still overqualified to be a waitress. I mean, I have actual serving experience. Someone will hire me for something. 

It will be okay. I'm not going to die cold and alone on street with the dogs.

What are you guys generally anxious about these days? Maybe sharing will make us all feel better.

(This is literally the cheesiest [and not-greatest] thing I've designed in a while, but I needed a little reminder. Maybe it'll help you too?)


  1. i know what you mean. being grown up sucks sometimes. good luck with the job hunt! things have a way of working out for the best, even when it doesn't look like it will.

  2. Well, I would share my list of current anxieties, but you already wrote it. I'm in a really similar place at the moment... I don't have any answers either. It's frustrating but I am trying not to go into full out panic mode. This post makes me feel less like I am the only person dealing with this stuff, so thank you for that. :)

  3. Job hunting is always so nerve wracking! I hope the best for you, good luck!

  4. Looking for work IS a full time job. I'm hoping just writing about the stress and worry has helped "name" it and ease some of it. I know I typically feel better once I've acknowledged how I really feel and "name it". Then it's something that I can sort of manage, instead of having a general sense of anxiety without putting it in some sort of box.
    I was job hunting 2 years ago when I relocated from Seattle to NC. The seeking and applying and wondering if your resume got to the right person...that stuff can make you crazy.

  5. We've ALL been there! Never ever question your passions though. If the heart wants something bad enough it'll happen!!!


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